Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating a new type of guy and have so many questions
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by
Pat.
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Pat
I’m 47, divorced and have been dating for 10 years. I tend to choose working class, smart, funny, edgy type guys. But they all had something else in common, they were emotionally unavailable due to either past trauma, choice, or immaturity.
Now, I’ve met a nice man, a little bit older than me, but he’s a professional, highly educated, and quite serious in life, but in a good way. He’s kind, a little funny (used to have to be a stand up comic for me to like you) and successful. And for once it’s someone who is smitten with me, without me being there already.
The problem I’m having is two-fold. First, he’s so mature! And, yes, I may need some of that in my life, but it’s a huge adjustment when life was just a hoot all the time, with party boys and “f” boys. But, also, he’s in mental health therapy for the past 6 years since his divorce. Divorce was his idea, but family/children (he has 4) issues made him seek therapy, and apparently he loves it and stays. He talks a lot and probably likes a captive audience.
Anyone picking up anything strange about any of this, and also, is it possible to change your type and go for the good guy? I would think seeking therapy to be a good thing, but I always thought it was only temporary, not a permanent thing. And he tells this therapist about me, and now I feel like he is therapy-ing me too! I just usually fall hard, force the person to fall for me back, and then end up heartbroken. Wondering if I should let this new guy take the lead and see if he can get me to fall for him and try something new. He is trying so hard. Thanks for your help.Tallspicy
Do you want to ruin a good thing? Cause it sounds like you might self sabatage this. I go to therapy every week, because my insurance pays for it and it is great to have someone who is not my friends to work challenges through.
Yes, you can change your type, when you finally realize that you deserve more. Think about it like a food you now like, but used to hate. I suggest you keep lazer focus on what he us doing right as a good person and how he treats you. If it feels uncomfortable, do some inquiry… what feels uncomfortable to me about him being a good guy and treating me well? Is it that I don’t believe it, or deserve it or it just feels weird in my body to be calm?
As long as it are attracted to him at around a 7/8 out of 10, keep at it. You can learn to be more comfortable. That’s how you become secure in love and life.
Maddie
A romantic partner shouldn’t be therap-izing you, so is he talking to his therapist about you and then telling you immediately afterwards how to “fix” yourself? If not, then there’s nothing that stands out as being a red flag in your post. Therapy can be whatever someone wants it to be, temporary for a year or two if someone feels after that time the therapist has taught them the tools to cope on their own in the future and they are more healed and happier and better adjusted than when they started. Or it can be permanent if someone likes it and sees ongoing positives from it in their life and can afford it. That’s an individual choice.
As a side note, patterns of chasing after emotionally unavailable men, usually means a lack of emotional availability on your end as well. Changing your type often comes with confronting whatever is keeping your walls up and changing that within yourself. Having a stable and mature partner is a benefit because it gives you the space to do that for yourself if you choose without having someone else pushing all your buttons or dragging you into their own issues and distracting you. If therapy has been working well for him and he seems stable, mature, reliable, and generally like a good person, you can test out if it would be helpful for you too (but with a DIFFERENT therapist than he has!).
Tallspicy
Oh, if he is trying to be your therapist, just say… Bob, I love that you take care of yourself emotionally, but I prefer to keep us focused on us. If there is something you want to try to make us better at communicating etc, happy to, but best to keep therapy in therapy.
Pat
Tallspicy: It just feels weird in my body to be calm! Nailed it. That was an eye-opener! Thanks!!!
Maddie: He hasn’t expected anything from me at all, and has only relayed compliments from his therapist about me (good communicator, etc.) Maybe I will look into some of my own.
I’m so glad I asked and I can guarantee there is truth to all of your points. Self-sabotage, my own emotional unavailability (walls UP!), and my knack to get dragged down into partner’s issues. I’m not sure how to relate to someone who handles their own life so well.
I just love your answers and am so grateful!
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