Dating a separated man

He’s still married…
He’s submitted the documents?
There is a court date set?
They’re living separately?

This is a little difficult for me to answer, because I myself would not date a separated guy, no matter what his circumstances. As in, there would not even be a first date. Divorce is not only a legal process, it’s a mental/emotional process (I’m divorced so I have some experience). He says he has emotionally moved on and that may be true, but he can’t completely emotionally move on until everything is finalized and he has had a bit of time to process. Even a divorce that is not complicated (short marriage, no kids) has emotional aftereffects that need to be processed.

But in your circumstance, if you want to keep seeing him, I would proceed with caution. For starters, two dates is nothing. You don’t know this guy. You say you like him, he’s lovely, he wants a relationship etc– but you need to date him awhile as you don’t know him at all after 2 dates. He may think he’s ready for a relationship but not really be ready (even non-divorced people have that problem). You won’t know if his actions match his words until you date him awhile and get to know him.

I agree with Raven that I would ask more questions about his plans for divorce. You have the right to know what his plans & timeline are if he wants to date you. He claims “divorce is on the horizon in the next couple of months”, what does that mean exactly? If he is cagey about giving you details or does not have a concrete plan for when his divorce will be final, that’s a huge red flag. You can’t possibly expect to be exclusive after two dates so I’d encourage you to keep your options open while you are seeing this guy. I know it’s hard to date a lot during the pandemic but at least keep swiping and talking to others and maybe go on a few dates.

Some states still have legal requirements that the couple has to be fully separated for at least a year before they can even file for divorce. If you live in that State then I would understand why he hasn’t been able to file yet but it still says nothing about his true state of mind.

I get it. Divorce is super expensive today where each party needs to have a retainer of at least $3500 to $5,000 just to start the process and it can easily skyrocket to over $10K+ if one or both of the parties want to fight. Understanding how Family Law works I’m less inclined to make “divorce” an absolute to dating someone because their are special circumstances or situations that can make it irrelevant based on the parties involved such as how important marriage is, or is not to them, can make a huge difference.

A piece of paper (Divorce Decree) isn’t going to make anyone, male or female, more or less ready for a relationship or another marriage. It ultimately comes down to the individuals “state of mind” and until you know what that is you need to tread very carefully. It took me almost four years after my divorce to finally be in a state of mind where I would even consider a relationship again. Even then I was still fighting between not wanting to give up my single life to giving it up but my single life kept winning for a few more years because I truly preferred it over the latter. In those situations a divorce would be immaterial if marriage isn’t even on the mind. However, if it is, then that’s a whole different ball of wax and you really should start off with a “clean slate”—an unmarried man who is in the same mindset as you are, not one who is still in the mindset of ending one with the other.

If you continue to date him, you need to keep your eyes wide open and not only carefully watch him but listen to everything he says because stuff will slip out the more comfortable a man becomes that will shed a lot more light on his true state of mind. BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES!

Dating a separated man doesn’t always turn out badly but they are often not truly over their wife.

My ex started dating a woman 6 months after we split and they have just moved in together 2 years later but I know she went through a lot of heartaches as he wasn’t truly over me until very recently when I met someone serious. He lived with my mum and lied to her about it. He was always saying he loved me still and it got to the point where he would lie about seeing me even though there was nothing dodgy going on- just friends. He is my sons step dad and very close to them so she has had to come to terms with my kids being part of her life as he is still their “dad”. She has handled it with good grace and is lovely to them but it took 2 years for him to see how wonderful she is and stop hankering after us reconciling even though I never gave him a single shred of hope. Its worked out for them now though but I do think that’s because I had no interest in him in any way but platonic.

The other side of that is I dated a separated man last year. I really liked him and we were exclusive after 2 months … until things started to not add up – like him “sharing” ownership of a car and spending Xmas away with her family. Turns out he was very much still married.

The creep still messages me now a whole year later! I’ve never replied but he tries evening couple of months …

So its a dangerous game to date a separated man!