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anon.
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anon
hi,
I’m dating a wonderful man, who was my friend for two years before we took the plunge. Now, 3.5 months in, I’m feeling like he’s not himself. he says he’s over his ex wife of 6 years ago, but she continues to make his life hard by keeping him from his son. I’m helping him with that. But I’ve noticed him say a couple times “I was single for so long I don’t remember how to be in a relationship.” Where I used to ignore this before and chalk it up to him just wanting to do more, I’m wondering if this is just an excuse? Is it possible for someone to have difficulties getting back into a relationship after having been single for years? He had situationships but nothing like me. I’ve met his fam, he posted me on FB, we are talking marriage. I believe he hasn’t been in a serious relationship. But shouldn’t the actions come naturally?
He’s 42 I’m 45 and I feel insecure at times with this statement he made. Like is it that he’s forgotten how to be single or is it that he doesnt want to be w me? He says he’s fallen in love w me, and he says he loves me and does everything a man in love would do. I”ve been engaged before and feel more love from him in the 3 months than I did while engaged. But sometimes I wonder if Im being used so he isnt alone any longer?mama
It doesn’t sound like he’s using you to avoid being alone. He’s probably struggling, but it’s only been a few months. I’d give him some time.
I was single for a VERY long time after my divorce (about 15-ish years). I had “situationships” as well but wanted to be on my own while I raised my kid. When I finally started seriously dating to find a serious relationship and found my current beau, it was tough balancing the needs of myself and the needs of my relationship. I had been on my own so long and enjoyed that independence and didn’t want to lose it entirely so I was dealing with a lot of internal conflict during those first 6 months or so. I don’t know if there was ever a lightbulb moment but I gradually got more comfortable with myself in the relationship.
That’s just my perspective. It’s about learning how to balance and he may be trying to work that out in himself and it may have nothing to do with you. Give him and the situation some time. Or talking to him about how his comment is being perceived by you might help you both see what page you each are on.
Raven
How old is the son?
& in regards to that, maybe you should take a step back & let him handle it…anon
So a little background
he and I met online, while I was on a 3 month break from someone. Me and current guy went on one date. i like him a lot. However he didn’t pursue me. So I went back with the previous guy. But told current guy the situation and he agreed to remain friends. Covid came and we were all on lockdown and so I’d talk to current guy a lot, but again he’d leave me hanging and I was with old dude. Months pass I get engaged, still talking to friend. However, i always wanted friend. Months pass and I start having issues w fiance and he’s there never making me leave, but showing me other sides to situations until one day he finally tells me get away, and I did. Then I was single for a few months, about 7. I was loving it. But still wanting friend. We start getting closer, he makes his feelings known I tell him about mine and here we are. He says hes loved me the entire time. So here we are and with someone like him, who is so open about his feelings, I feel he’s not open in this regard.Hes a wonderful man. I love him. He’s in love with me. But I feel he may have jumped into this. And maybe I did also. But now we are in it deep, we talk everyday and never tire of eachother, our families love eachother and i’m just dealing with this insecurity.
As for the son, I would stay away from the situation but my bf is a good man, I feel he may have lost the drive or the strength to go against this family. Whereas I been helping him with this (even while friends) for 2 years. And it pains me to see such a good father dealing with this abuse.
The child is 8Maddie
He’s dealing with a lot, but if he’s going to be with you then showing up for you needs to be a priority, too. And he’s 45, a mature adult, so he knows he needs to be stepping up for you. The context that’s important isn’t how you met, it is why he said this in the first place. How things are unfolding between you and if it makes you happy or he seems absent, if there’s movement in a positive direction (as mama said, he could and should be getting more comfortable showing up for the relationship as time is passing), if you spoke to him about why his comment bothers you?
I wouldn’t assume he’s “not himself” either. This may be exactly who he is in a real relationship versus a regular friendship. Which means you need to gauge that if the dynamic continues as is, are you really compatible? Or because your feelings are strong and you waited so long to be with him, do you want something to ideally work more than it actually works in reality? Is he truly emotionally available?
If you feel things are moving too fast and it’s not so organic or comfortable for YOU at this speed and he’s also making comments about not being used to a relationship after being single for so long, then it’s okay to communicate with each other and slow things down a bit. It’s only been 3.5 months and in certain ways, that’s very early and you’re still getting to know each other even if you were friends before. One of the most important measurements of compatibility is how you navigate hard times and issues together: if you both can communicate well, if there’s trust building, and if you can overcome issues together. So basically, things are getting real and you’re seeing if the relationship really works for you or not, which believe it or not has little to do with how much he likes you. He can really love you, but things can still be unstable or rocky if the foundation for an emotionally healthy and mature relationship isn’t there.
Things can still work out here, but it’s important to discuss these things with him even if it seems scary.
Kamdy
He left you hanging once: he did not pursue you after you went on your first date. He left you hanging for a second time during covid. And he will leave you hanging again. When somebody shows you who they are believe them. You fell in love with a fantasy.
anon
He didnt leave me twice, after the first date he didn’t continue with me because he said he was going through a divorce and broken and didn’t want to do that to me. But he remained my friend. He sometimes asks me if he had told me his feelings a year and a half ago before I got engaged, would I have left my fiance and I said yes, but then I also wasn’t sure. he says he loved me from day one but saw my value and didn’t want to burden me with that but hed check FB and see pics of me and my fiance and it would anger him. He reached out to me after a few months, found out I was engaged and then felt horrible but started giving me advice after I asked him, as I started having problems. I then ended my engagement and he immediately started inviting me places. But i didn’t go because i had to be alone and heal. Then after some months he made his intentions known and I agreed to get into a relationship with him and that’s where we are now.
Kamdy
So you never properly dated him? You were texting with him while you were in a relationship with another man (emotionally cheating). After he told you to end the relationship you ended it. Now you jumped into a relationship with him. No wonder you are having second thoughts.
anon
Well, the relationship w fiance was toxic, I was being used for my money & emotionally abused. Everyone told me to leave. He was the last person to tell me. He was actually always trying to make me see the good in my fiance. While everyone else was telling me to leave, my bf ws the one person who didn’t push me that way. It wasn’t until my fiance and I started fighting and I was calling my him at 11pm to talk that he started telling me to rethink things, or at least take a break. it was 3 months after that, when I finally get away from fiance.
Now that I’m dating my guy, he has told me that he feels guilty for not giving me good advice when things started going sour bet fiance and myself. He said he didn’t want to be the cause of the break up but looking back now he should’ve been honest. He also has said that he didn’t want to take me away from fiance, at the start of the relationship, because I would’ve looked at him as sleazy. So he decided to keep me as a friend because he didn’t want to lose me from his life.
He said he searched fiances FB and found pics of us and it broke his heart and he decided to have situationships with two women, but they weren’t me, so he walked away.
When I was finally free of fiance, he invited me out that weekend but I was so emotionally done (fiance was a severe narcissist) so I stayed home and didn’t leave my house for months. But friend continued to invite me out but very sporadically. I said no every time. But I was wanting him more and more because of how long we spoke and how much we had in common. However, he would disappear on the weekends. But now we are together.Kamdy
Why did you attract an abuser? Why did you stay in a relationship with an abuser? Why did you get engaged to an abuser? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself. And try to work with a licensed professionalnto heal yourself from your past relationship.
anon
I was emotionally detaching myself from him while in the relationship and doing the mental and emotional work before I physically left. I know why I attracted him and I know why i stayed. And if this doesn’t work with current guy I’m ok with being alone. In fact before he came into my life as a romantic partner I was enjoying my time completely alone.
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