Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating almost a year, never been to his place, what's your take?
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Vanessa.
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ArmyGF24
My guy (let’s call him Joe) and I actually have a back story. He’s in the army. We dated for a few months a few years ago, and he suddenly disappeared. He says it’s because he knew he was going to be deployed soon, and didn’t know how to handle it, so he chose to just disappear.
A few months later, I was seriously dating another guy, and Joe tried to email me. We texted briefly for a while, and when I told him I have a boyfriend, we stopped texting. Throughout the 2.5 years I was dating the guy, Joe have been periodically emailing me once every few months even though I’ve never answered any of them.
After I broke up with my ex, Joe and I reconnected. We’ve since been dating since August last year (2014). I’m 31 he’s 33. We recently became official this Jan 2015 so we’ve been dating officially/unofficially for 8 months. Purely out of coincidence, we live in the same complex but in different buildings. I have NEVER been to his place and he doesn’t let me see it. However he’s been to my place. He’s never stayed over though since we have different work schedules and it’s just a hassle. By the way he’s in the army.
His reasoning for not letting me see his place is that a while ago he let his coworker stay at his place (apparently the coworker was going through a divorce and had let the ex-wife take everything including the house, so he had nowhere to stay, and so Joe offered to let him stay for a while) and this coworker is over-staying his welcome, even having his mother stay over, becoming a freeloader, and therefore Joe is too embarrassed to let me go over to his place. Joe also says he’s doesn’t know how to “kick” the freeloaders out so he’s trying the passive-agressive way, which has yet to work.
I’ve told him I don’t need to stay over or anything. I just want to see it for myself to see that he’s not hiding anything from me. We’ve been to short overnight trips and stuff and he says if he has another gf, would he go on trips with me. In my head I’m thinking that well, you’re in the army, so you could just tell “whoever” that you need to be training for the weekend and then just go on the trip with me. I didn’t say that outloud though.
So I guess my question is, what are everyone’s thoughts on his excuse that he won’t let me see his place or go to his place because he’s embarrassed? Or does that just sound too sketchy and ridiculous?
redcurleysue
To get rid of the freeloaders just tell him to move and not take them with him.
It is sketchy but could be true. I would just tell him I want to meet the roomie and see what he says.
Andrea
Why don’t you believe yourself or you don’t want to believe? He has a girlfriend. If he was such a generous guy with a kind heart to help people out, he would not feel embarrassed, he would feel natural and proud of himself having a big heart to take this. A man with a bright heart to help others like that will not be shadow.
patsytshirt
He is married or has a girlfriend. His freeloaders excuse is lame
Sin
The excuse is lame. Maybe If I were in your place, I would make up an excuse and go over to his place since you’ll live in the same complex. Alternatively, you could also make discreet inquiries with other people in the complex and see what they have to say.Something is fishy for sure!
Debby
Maybe he’s a hoarder….seriously. One of my good friends is a hoarder.
On the other hand, if what he’s saying is true….do you really want a man that’s such a pushover? He can’t run his own house. That’s a big ol’ red flag to me.
R
Just knock on the door and see who answers!?
Raven
There’s another fish in his parlor…
Gemini615
Debby actually might have an interesting point, just an alternate theory to the other “he has a gf” answers.
My grandma is a hoarder and she won’t let ANYONE in her house. Even when I’ve stopped by, she come out to the porch and block the door so I can’t see inside. I haven’t been in her house since I was 8 years old.
Either way, it’s weird and his excuse sounds lame; there has to be another reason.
Sharon
I thought “hoarder” too.
Ivy
Regardless of the reason why which could be a lie or legit, you absolutely can’t have a relationship with a man that doesn’t even show you his place.
Does he bring you into his life in other ways? Have you met friends?
If he isn’t bringing you into his home, introducing you to his friends, his roommate, then these are all red flags, ones I would not have ignored for one year.
Ivy
Personally, I wouldn’t date a man beyone two months who wouldn’t show me his place. I wouldn’t date him longer than 3 months if he didn’t introduce me to his friends at least. And I wouldn’t have sex with a man that couldn’t even show me where he lives or who he lives with.
Khadija
Hmm….I don’t buy it at all.
He is living with someone and it’s not some down on his luck buddy.Sammy
I would know on his door for sure to see who answers; then you’ll know
Sammy
knock^
Tina
Hey there! Sadly I have to admit to you that I did not read your entire story I literally got to the part where you said he “disappeared” seriously? So you’re not important enough for him to tell you he’s going to be deployed soon? You’re not important enough for him to spend as much time as he can before he gets deployed. Without reading the rest I can tell you anything after his inexcusable disappearance is a load of poo! The one thing we women, and I include myself on this because I’ve done this with my daughter’s father, we do not value ourselves as much as we should. You have to have standards and expectations and I am sorry but if you disappear on me because you know you’re going to get deployed that tells me I am not a permanent or important fixture in your life and it’s time for me to find someone who will treat me with more respect. AND A YEAR?! you haven’t been to his place? Sister friend no! You should have moved on long ago. It’s time to cut that dead weight free and find someone who will love and respect your beautiful self but you must first love and respect yourself! Good Luck
Rose
He sounds married or living with someone. The hoarder theory sounds plausible too. Either way, this is not normal.
Tinah
I have dated him since may 2016 till date i don’t know any of his friends,I have not been to his place before and he gives a lot of excuses for me not knowing his place,we don’t communicate well,a lot of things are going out in my mind right now,I have tried asking him why he don’t want me to know his place and if he is married? But keeps telling me that he loves me,he is not married/have another girl and he is so busy but will make out time to take me to his place and this is 8 good months now. What should I do? Pls help
Hannah
Tinah what you should do is tell him it’s important after all this time that you see his home. Tell him you won’t see him again unless it’s at his home. And stick to it! Either he will invite you to his place or you’ll never see him again. If you never see him again, you know something shady was going on.
Algo
The hoarder theory only makes sense from his place not being seen
But in a year he has never once stayed the night at yours? I mean different schedule, sure, but not once in a year? That makes no sense.My Bf gets up 1hr early when he stays at mine because he wants to Sleep in my bed.
This sounds fishy to me. Especially after disappearing before.
Nat
You don’t know any of his friends and never been to his place, and he REFUSES to let you come, of course there is something shady. Tell him you want to see his place and if he refuses, STOP seeing him completely. Do not look for excuses or listen to his excuses. I’d be suspicious much much sooner.
Eliza
That sounds like excuses. I’d guess he has a wife or gf living with him. It could be that he has a freeloader too but I’ve been in situation where guy has been acting shady and disappearing sometimes. He claimed that he was working a lot abroad but it turned out that he had a gf living sometime with him. I’d seriously go an knock the door (if you know where he lives) and see who’s there actually.
Jarcom
You don’t even have to knock the door upstairs, didn’t you say he lives in a building? Just ring the bell and if a woman replies “who is this?” “I am X gf, is he home?”
Peggy
Yes-give him an ultimatum on this asap when you see him next-he takes you to his place, not at a later date but right then. If he refuses, break up with him. If he shows you,look for signs a woman lives there or see if he is a hoarder-which is an indication of serious emotional issues.
Vanessa
Don’t confuse Tinah’s recent post with the original poster ArmyGF24 from April 2015 who started this thread back then. That’s why I wish people would start their own thread, instead of sticking a new one in the middle of a very old one.
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