Dating and over thirty.. Radio silence and ghosting

I’ve been going through the same thing for years. In the middle, I had a three year relationship with a college romance that got rekindled, but we broke up, and it’s back to this. Not sure if it’s something I do wrong, a sign of the times, a sign of the men, a combination of all three…dating just seems a lot more difficult for me than it seems to be for everyone else. And yes, I have dealt with the “everything is great,” and all of a sudden the guy breaks it off or vanishes. As for him not texting you for two days…my advice is to wait it out and get busy doing other things. It sounds stupid, but when this sort of thing has happened to me, it’s almost like I feel the guy is testing me to see how clingy and needy I can be and if I will reach out and text them. This early stage of the relationship is very nerve racking because it almost seems as if one errant text can send everything awry and change his perception. My thought is, he is busy with something…whether work, family, other women (perhaps, since you’re not exclusive, and although I too have issues with the dating multiple people at at time men don’t seem to as much) and he will be back in touch. Perhaps since you said “NEXT weekend” he figured he’d let you enjoy your time with your child and be in touch closer. As tough as things have been, we have to keep faith that something will work out…after all, something DOES work out for everyone else at some point, no…and we can’t assume every guy is a jerk. Maybe he is just giving you space to enjoy your mom time.

The best ghostbusters advice I can give you is this:
1. Date more than one guy at a time so you don’t get fixated on any one of them (the key is for them to get fixated on you).
2. Never pursue a guy – meaning don’t ever initiate, and I mean never, in the beginning. Let him lead. Give him space to miss you. Missing you is good. Have your own life and passions to pursue.
3. Be relaxed, discuss your passions, ask questions and have fun energy – but maintain your mystery – in other words, don’t talk about past relationships, dating woes, your kids (not at first), or your upcoming colonoscopy – if you know what I mean. The date should be about you and him – and highlighting both of your positives.
4. Do not, I repeat, do NOT, sleep with a guy so early – my rule is three months – better yet, only after commitment. You say this is extreme? Let me put it this way – I only dated for a week before I found my BF – and before that was a four year relationship (with a college BF who I though I was going to marry but long distance could not be changed – when we dated in college – I waited three months), and before that an eight year marriage. If you want a relationship – take it SLOW. Don’t kiss a lot of frogs – just have coffee with them.
5. Ask in the beginning – on the first date – what they are looking for. If they say anything other than a ‘relationship’ or to be ‘married’ or ‘true love’ run your hiney out of there as fast as you can and don’t look back. By way of example – on our first date my BF said he wanted to get married someday and proceeded to ask me a million questions about me – he was very curious – I almost felt like he was examining me – but it was fun – we extended our date and talked for five hours. So look for a guy who is curious about you – is very interested and wants the same thing as you.
6. Always leave him wanting more. The key is to build attraction – so you get under his skin and he can’t stop thinking about you. This is how a guy’s feelings for you grow. If you give it all away too fast or pursue him, this will never happen.
7. Have fun! Dating is supposed to be fun! Even when the chemistry isn’t there or the guy isn’t looking for the same thing – if you keep it light and fun, you can make some great friends and connections. Maybe even matchmake those guys who weren’t right for you with someone else who may be perfect for them. No reason for hard feelings if it didn’t work out. And there are a lot of interesting people in the world!

Hope that helps! Good luck and dont worry about those ghosts!

I think that you are overstressing it and sleeping with the guys way too early. While there is not a rule, sex too early is not good especially when you have not known the person for long. You have to decide whether you want just sex or something long term. You should also talk to the candidates about what they want on the first date and then no do not do as you have done, sleeping together on the first, second, third date, you are too easy to get! Let them chase you, you will get the rewards and surely it is not too hard to hold off on it for that long.

Also, no, do not initiate and try not to imagine the most negative scenarios every time. Pretty much what Jessica said above, follow her advice.

Try to date several and have fun and a relaxed, easy going, fun state of mind. You need to achieve that within yourself first. Otherwise, the guys will feel the desperation. And to emphasize one more time please do not give in so soon. It is worth waiting.

Sorry ladies, but the advice you are giving is terrible. Sleeping together early is fine as long as you aren’t over the top clingy. But you still need to behave like you had a good time and you want to see a man regularly. If you wanted to wait 3 months I would be long gone. It’s not that I can’t wait 3 months, although I would not, but really it is because I would think that you have a very low libido. Sorry, but 3 months is ridiculous.

This is an old post but Laura, I’m with you and Wayne. I’m unlikely to wait 3 weeks, let alone 3 months and with the right man, I’d be open to the possibility of 3 days!

I think it’s down to the individual and when you feel comfortable.

If a man likes you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. He’s not going to break up with you because you had sex. He’s likely to wait around if you’re not ready.

Putting a time limit on it doesn’t make sense to me because it’s more about the connection you have with someone. If you only see the guy 3 times in 3 months, it’s going to be very different to someone you see every day. I’ve had a relationship develop where previously we’d had casual sex many times. It would have been ridiculous to make him wait! So it depends on the situation and the people involved.

Wayne, I think if you found a woman you were totally into who explained she wanted to wait, you’d wait. You’d have to like her a lot. But you’d wait.

For about the gazillionth time… Wayne, what you said is poor advice for most here because very very few women can handle doing what you are suggesting. We women bond through sex and oxytocin. Men, not so much. They can have sex and it’s just sex. I agree that waiting 90 days ia a very long time and not practical, but at the very least a wise girl waits until she’s seen that she and the guy are on the same page. Sex on dates 1 2 or 3 is not a good idea for 98% of the women on this site. Hannah and Laura and some others who may chime in are some of the few who can handle it.

Laura, interesting but you’re getting caught up semantics. Call it handling it or whatever you want to. “A girl who sleeps with him out of a place of confidence” – that’s the killer. Most girls aren’t doing that if it’s early on. It’s out of hormones or wanting to create a relationship, not confidence. Or she wouldn’t be here having a meltdown because he didn’t call her after. Some guys don’t care when a girl sleeps with them and some guys do. There is definitely no universal magic number of days, weeks, months you should wait before you sleep with a guy. All I’m saying is most girls, particularly ones posting here for advice, should err on the side of longer until their self confidence and judgment and knowledge of men are sufficient enough to spot the guy who they are OK having sex with early on no matter what he does after.

I’d say… sleep with a guy on dates 1 2 or 3 only if: your self worth is high, you have good judgment about men, you know what you are looking for in dating, you understand men, you understand yourself and the biggest one, you will not freak or take it as a personal affront if the guy goes silent after sex. If you could think, oh well he missed out, if the guy disappears after sex, then go for it. If not, keep your legs crossed until you’ve spent enough time with him to establish a compelling connection outside the bedroom.

One of my guy friends told me that HE is the one that holds off on sex with a woman. He had a few too many bad experiences with women freaking out after having early sex. He said they started acting like gfs and clingy .. and if he decided he didn’t want to see them anymore he had a few women really freak out on him. One women came knock g on his door one night to beg him not to stop seeing her.

So he decided he would hold off on sex for several weeks to decide how ‘stable’ the woman was and if he was truly interested. Now this guy is in his 40s and obviously more mature than the men who just think with their little heads.. but it shows a man’s point of view on how some women, many women, react towards a man after having sex.

I agree there are few women that can handle casual sex. I am can handle it, but I tend to be money logical than emotional. But all you have to do is read the daily threads on here and you will see tons of women freaking out or pissed off because she feels used that a guy didn’t make her a gf after sex or didn’t even contact her.

The lesson here is don’t do it if you can’t handle it, if he’s the right man he will wait. A relationship isn’t solely about sex.

Sam, wow ahahah, your friend is somehow smart but also he is playing with fire! I would scratch my head big time if a guy was seeing me and not wanting to have sex. Especially if there is chemistry, how on earth can a guy withhold it? I mean, the theory makes sense in a way but in practice is pure torture for the guy (and some girls with high sex drive too) and also is a very confusing sign for even a woman who’s not a “psyco” or an emotional mess.

Did he have any strange story to tell about this? Unless he met one of the many “rule girls”, in that case…how does he even know what’s in for him if the girl is “playing” the same game?

See what I mean when I say that playing games always leads to messy situations?

I don’t even think it’s necessarily about self-esteem issues or whatever. It’s about what sex means for specific people and knowing yourself sexually. For some people, myself included, meaningful, committed, emotional sex is the best sex. Sex is an important act that means something. I personally prefer to wait for a committed relationship that has established emotions and feelings for each other before sex, because that type of sex is important to me. It is NOT a moral thing. I’ve had plenty of casual sex and a few one-time hookups. Fun, maybe, but not as fulfilling and sexy as the sex that meant something. I now don’t want to have sex with some random that could have the exact same sex and probably has with 3 or 10 or 40 other women. I just don’t want that. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. If a dude isn’t down for that, it’s on to the next for me, as I am seeking a relationship.

There is also nothing wrong with liking casual sex. There is nothing wrong with sex meaning something different or meaning nothing at all. It’s not about who can “handle” what, it’s about what sex means or doesn’t mean for you. If you want sex to mean something, then yeah, you will be disappointed if you have sex and find out later that it didn’t mean anything to the guy you had sex with. You are a person who should wait in that circumstance. I know myself to be that person sexually. If sex is purely about getting off and having a good time, which is FINE, then you are not going to be disappointed by sex with someone who ghosts later. You will just be like “well, at least I had some great sex!”

Sam, I think you misunderstood a bit. I am not saying that a woman should have sex right away and can not withhold it. At all. Of course we can, as you said we are not animals!

All I’m saying is, if it feels right, there is nothing wrong with it. Simple as that. And the rule I’m talking about are rules when someone feels that if she is not behaving that way she is doing it wrong, when her personality might be completely different from what the rules say.

Don’t get me wrong, I already said that some of the concepts stated by these “rules” make complete sense and are wise, but only if you are spontaneously behaving like this, and in that case they are not rules, just wise choices you do for yourself.

Regarding your friend, it doesn’t give a mixed signal only If we have great chemistry and the desire is clearly there, and we have the liberty to talk about maybe waiting a bit despite that desire, then yes… I would totally wait if necessary, why not? I’m not going to die!

If we have chemistry and you can tell that we both want it and still the guy doesn’t act on it, I would find it super weird and ask what’s going on.

Carlotta: Good point, you are basically saying something similar to what I previously wrote, and I also totally prefer sex that’s meaningful in a committed relationship, but there was the occasional early sex that (for me) came from having a great connection immediately on all the other levels and that ultimately lead to a committed relationship.

That’s why I am stressing the point that early sex, done when you feel it is right and not expecting necessarily a commitment is not bad.

But I am with you when you say that if you already know what you want and sex is always attached to strong emotions for you, then by all means wait! But you are waiting for the same reason I sometimes didn’t wait: Because it simply felt right for you that way.

There is no absolute right or wrong, who can handle it or not. There is what makes you feel good no matter what the outcome is.

Like a woman waiting to have sex might be convinced that this way the man will take her seriously, could end up being still very disappointed when after all the waiting, the guy still doesn’t want anything serious and just played her. We can’t know for sure. Some guys are master manipulators, some others are genuine.

Sure, the players, sometimes, will be put off immediately if you wait, but some other players will take the challenge even more seriously.

Just do what you feel comfortable with and get ready to own it, no matter what the outcome is. That’s for me the only rule that should be followed.