Dating for 3 months, he's on vacation and I just found out he recently broke up

Hello Maria and welcome.

OK… so here we go. I think you’re a smart girl and your intuition that he’s not over past stuff and is using you as a placeholder is exactly correct. The problem is, you’ve gotten too invested and hooked in too quickly.

I would also be annoyed if a man I was sleeping with was still on a dating site… HOWEVER, as you are not official BF/GF he hasn’t done anything wrong, if you can see that.

Set the standard a little higher honey. Keep sex off the table until you know you are in an exclusive relationship full stop, not just sexually. That’s half the loaf. So now your actions are not matching your words to him that you want nothing less than a serious relationship, can you see that?

He’s told you he’s shopping for furniture with an ex??? Uh, NO.

Based on the info you’ve given here I say he’s a poor risk for a LT commitment and I would take this time while he’s away to unhook yourself and back off. Stop sleeping with him. He’s getting the goodies with no effort. That will not motivate him towards you. As one of our LT posters (Lane) says, you can’t sex a man into a relationship and this is true.

Best wishes.

Hi Stefanie,

Thank you for the reply. I agree 100% with what you said, so thank you for confirming my intuition. I have actually been distancing myself from him while he’s away and the thought of us not getting back together doesn’t seem all that daunting anymore. I mean, this early on in a relationship you’re not supposed to feel what I’m feeling now, right? If it’s this difficult this early on, it’s probably not going to get any easier. I’ve even practiced giving him the “breakup speech” a million times in my head lol :) But it frigging hurts! He is a nice guy and he will make a great bf for someone when he’s ready. How do I get it through my thick skull that I’m just not the one and I deserve better than to sit around and wait for him?

Be really positive in this speech and keep it short. Something like…

“I really enjoy being around you, our time together has felt great. I’m feeling like we may be on different pages though. I want you to be happy doing what you want to do and I notice things like your shopping for furniture with someone else (and one or two other examples), which makes me feel like you may not be up for the same kind of relationship I want. I”m not sure, I could be wrong in what I”m concluding. What do you think?”

And then see what he says.

Now don’t make it easy for him to keep his security blanket! The point here is to get talking genuinely about where you are both at in life and if it’s a match. If it’s not, then you end it. If there is any chance you are indeed misinterpreting where he is, it will come out and you can get some clarity.

Damn. I’m getting good at constructing these conversations for other people!! I hope this helps you!!!

Hahah great advice again, Stefanie! I wish I could have you talk me through the talk with an ear microphone or something :D

The thing is, we’ve talked about this whole thing twice. The first time I told him about my shitty past relationships that for the past couple of years have been sort of shallow and said that now I’m looking for the real deal, a serious committed relationship. I tried to word it so that he didn’t feel pressured, I just wanted him to know what I’m after. He got my point and that’s when he told me it’s hard for him to be in a serious relationship because of past experiences. However, he put in 200% more effort after the talk and I felt secure. For a while. Then when we saw each other less in December, I reminded him of what I want right before Christmas and he said he remembered and that he would also love to spend more time with me. I know it’s too early to judge his actions now (=after talk no 2) because he’s been away the whole time but somehow him knowing what I want and always putting in more effort after he’s reminded of that gives me hope. But I know, relationships – and people – don’t survive on hope alone.

I think your draft speech is great because it would actually make him have to give me some kind of an answer. So far I’ve only let him know how I feel and what I want and then just wait for his actions. He’s not a talker, at all lol ! But even though we were on the same page, I’m questioning whether we really are a match. He just doesn’t make me happy the way I would like him to.

He told you upfront that he has a problem doing committed relationships…

This is not that complicated. When a man tells you this upfront, you being ‘patient’ isn’t going to change anything.

A man who sees a future with you, would never say such a thing.

This is once again, an example of where women do not pay attention to what a man tells her. Instead she makes up a new story in her mind. In your case, you said you were willing to be patient and see what would happen.

You can bring this up once again, if you feel it necessary, yet he has told you more than once he isn’t going to do a serious relationship with you. He likes your companionship, but that is all he is going to offer.

I think Lagirl has summed it up perfectly. If you meet a man who tells you at the very beginning he is looking for something different than what you know you want and need…wish them well, and walk away.
You told him you were looking for commitment, he told you he wasn’t.

Who cares if “they might change their mind”.Why start out trying to fight an uphill battle?

The start of the weeding out process is at the very beginning, when you each reveal what page you are on, and what you are looking for.
It’s been said many times here “if a man says he doesn’t want a relationship/commitment etc, believe him.”
Just use this as a learning experience of what not to do going forward ;)
Wishing you the best of luck

Even Eric says you are wasting your time when a man says such things. Sure there are always exceptions. But odds are he isn’t going to commit when he says such things.

While I think a man could change his mind, I just don’t understand the idea of trying to usher things forward when someome says upfront they don’t want commitment?
It just seems like unnecessary effort and a waste of time to me. But that could just be me.
My personality is very direct and no-nonsense. I believe my time is too valuable to waste.
Now, I’m not calling people a waste of my time, but I tend to be very rational in some respects and look for where the odds are better.
I also don’t want to have to “convince” a guy. Is it a princess mentality to think they should want me enough to put the effort in, or for me to be okay walking away from someone who says upfront they aren’t?
..And that last one was a sincere question. I’m curious what you wonderful ladies think…

Thank’s Stef. I guess I also don’t waste my time because i generally have very accurate and insightful gut instincts that I’ve learned to trust.

While I’m sure that book is a vey interesting read, that woman sounds like someone I could never be. I have never chased anyone who didn’t want me, if anything if that ever seems to be the case, I walk away. I guess in some ways I’m an Alpha female, but also a contradiction- in the sense I am very much a girly girl in tune w/her feminine side that likes a man who wants to take care of me.

Part of that maybe comes from being a single mom who has to do everything (be both mama and daddy) and that includes financially.

Thanks Stef, I’ll look it up.

But knowing me I’ll probably want to punch that woman in the face mulitple times for putting up w/such BS. LOL (I am not advocating physical violence btw)
My BS threshhold is very low, I guess you could say I’ve developed very wide boundaries, but I don’t think thats completely unfair after some of the horrors I’ve been through.

A guy caring about you and DOiNG something about it are two different things. Remember that.

How do you know when enough is enough? When you feel the balance tipped too far over to accommodating him over honoring yourself/maintaining your self respect.

You can always do nothing until you feel clearer about things. Or you can let him know you’ll be busy for a few weeks and you are the one needing “space”… then use the time to get clear. The added benefit is it’s like a page break and then you can start a new chapter with him if you want to change the dynamic.

My short answer is this: If you are happy with the relationship as/is… stick around. If not, I think you should let him go.
And the insecuirty issue is a big red flag in my opinion. It usually continues to pop up in a myriad of ways in the relationship, and ongoing.

Insecurity is one of the most damaging traits in any relationship. I have learned to run from insecure guys, they make my life miserable. That’s just my take…