Dating for 3 months, he's on vacation and I just found out he recently broke up

Thanks ladies for all the comments. If I could think rationally about this, I would agree with you. Especially with Stefanie’s comment that I’m like an addict – that’s the problem exactly!!

Anyhow, the situation has evolved again. The reason I didn’t confront him properly (I did tell him at the bar that this kind of behavior will make him lose me and I won’t look back but I get your point) is that he was really hammered. Puked all over my bathroom at night. Then in the morning when he was acting all ok I got really confused. There were a lot of things he simply didn’t remember, and I realized he doesn’t remember what he did. I was tired, confused and hungover too so I didn’t feel like arguing about it in the morning. Not that I was completely happy with him either.

So, later that day when we saw each other again briefly I told him. He had no idea what had happened and I have to say I felt incredibly stupid having to tell it all to him. He was shocked, ashamed and sorry. I believed him. Maybe I was stupid to do so. I told him I’m not sure I want to continue this anymore and if we keep going, I expect him to treat me with a lot more respect. He said he would. We were really short on time (we met by accident), so we didn’t have time to talk it through.

Yesterday we were at a professional event. At dinner we were sitting at different tables but I noticed him constantly looking at me. At this point he knew = I had told him I was hurt and confused and that I needed time to think. After the dinner he didn’t come talk to me and I was avoiding him. I had planned not to talk to him at all but the booze got me again, so late at night I went to say hi. I frigging hate myself for having done this… I asked him if he was ashamed at all, he said he was and apologized again. I had told him he had told me about his divorce the disaster night and because he had no idea what he had said, he asked. I told him he had used it as a reason why he’s such a mess and not worthy of a real relationship. He had, and he still did seem really depressed and of low self-esteem. I gave him a timeframe: we need to figure out this weekend if we are to continue seeing each other or not. I said in a REALLY tough way and he freaked out, acted really nervous and said no, if that’s what you say then no, let’s not keep this up. I had a strong feeling he didn’t mean it so I told him so and said I knew he would regret it. He said he already did and suggested we meet Sunday to talk about this. I admit I was taking all my hurt out on him in a not very pretty way and he seemed really upset. I may be making excuses again but I felt him being sorry and ashamed was genuine.

Oh and right now he sent me a message asking when do I want to talk. What do I do? Please talk some sense to me… I can’t believe it but I’m sort of calm now. Whatever way this goes I know it’ll be for the best. I honestly have no idea how this will turn out… Help me!

Maria. Big, big drama.

How about week off, talk next weekend so you can both clear your heads.

This has to stop. It’s crazy making.

I’m back again with another update… Thanks Stefanie and LAgirl, I know it’s too much drama at the moment and I don’t want it to be this way. LA, I really do want a stable, happy relationship. I think it’s my insecurity that made me confront the guy drunk – I mean he was there, the opportunity to confront him was there, I wasn’t in control of myself… I do regret doing that.

The recent development is he called Saturday to set for us to meet Sunday to talk about this. We did and I was really positively surprised with it all. He was genuinely sorry for having hurt me. He told me he had lost himself in his past relationships, given in too much and hadn’t really been making himself happy. When single, he had gone into “I’ll do whatever I want, I’ll have full control of my own life” mode and had freaked out as he realized he had serious feelings for me. He was afraid he would lose himself again with me. What he did at the party was, in his own words, his way to prove himself he it hasn’t happened.

I had heard from his friend that at the very same night when the episode took place the guy had confessed to him, super drunk of course, that he wants to be married and have kids but is afraid he’ll screw it up again. So when we talked Sunday I said I felt he was afraid of serious commitment as he fears it’ll go bust. But in relationships you can’t win anything at all if you don’t take a chance and take that risk. I said I had been sensing he needs more space than other guys I’ve been with and I’ve tried to give him that. He said I was right and he appreciates everything I’ve done in this relationship.

The condition I set for him was that I need to able to trust him. Before that party the guy had given me zero reasons not to trust him and that’s what I want. No more seeing others, no more Tinder, no more acting like an idiot when drunk. He said he totally understood that.

In the end we decided to take some more time to think whether we want to continue seeing each other. I want trust, he wants me not to push him and respect his comfort zone. We agreed we’ll have the final talk this week. He keeps contacting me, not all the time and for hours on end but just lightly asking how I’m doing. I’m making him believe I’m busy and happy with my life and I won’t be hurt if this ends. At some level I know I won’t. But I just want to have an answer – there you have it, I want to continue but I don’t know where he stands. What do you think? Will he want to continue and if he does, should I agree? Can two drunk drama incidents destroy a potential relationship?

addressing and clearing the insecurities

The reason would be it will require WORK on both your parts to grow. Just because you voiced your insecurities doesn’t mean it will go away now. Not by a long shot.

YES YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Let HIM do the work of coming forward. And you shouldn’t be “waiting” you should be living your own life. Honey, you have gotten way too invested in such a short relationship. It’s an easy mistake to make, I just made it a few months back and I learned a lot from it. I will go much slower with me in the future and I will take care of ME.

The less you “need” this to work the better off you will be… and ironically the more likely it is he will come forward.

My ex and I were going to see each other this week and it didn’t work out due to our schedules. The ball is now in his court for contacting me when I return from the business trip I’m about to take. If he gets in touch, he gets in touch and if he doesn’t he doesn’t. I will not be making contact with him again, I’ve moved on. There may or may not be a new chapter. I’m not invested in it. Plenty of fish in the deep blue sea and if he’s not it, then someone else will be. When they sense you NEEEEEEEED them, it drives them away. Read the things on this site that say how funny it is that the less you care, the more they want you.

Regardless of what he does, this is YOUR chance to get whole. Take it.

Stefanie, yes I realize that even if we do continue seeing each other, we are far from done with the insecurities. That’s why I’m happy the lines of communication are open now, so to speak, and that is the fact that I see no reason would change in the future.

The reason I’m anxious now is that I somehow thought we would have done this thinking part NC. We specifically talk about it but I suppose I would’ve felt better doing this that way. I know, stupid me for not telling him that. Actually the whole thing, rules of this probation or whatever you want to call it, didn’t even cross my mind when we talked about this and I never expected him to contact me before he’s reached his conclusion. But he is, just texted me again right when I started writing this post. And it’s confusing me! That’s why I feel like I’m just waiting.

You’re right, I should just go on with my life and stop waiting for him. Half of me is prepared for him not willing to continue this and is fine with it. You may not believe it but I don’t want all the drama either. I just wish I could be as calm as I was right after the talk Sunday.

I believe you.

Just reply to him when he contacts you, be brief but friendly. As long as you are not proactively all over him. I don’t think you need total NC right now.

Newbie, thanks for the support! :) I guess I’m doing this here because your comments are way more objective and yes at times blunt than the feedback I could ever get from my friends. But you all really are helping me sort out my thoughts and snap back to my senses, so a big thank you to you all! Especially Stefanie.

Appreciate it Stefanie :)

One thing I forgot to mention is that when we talked Sunday and I told him I thought he was afraid of commitment because we was afraid it would go bust like his first marriage, I also told him he had asked me if I believe in happily ever after. He didn’t remember it at all (too hammered when he had said it) but was very curious about it. I said at this point we don’t need to think about the rest of out lives, just whether we want to commit to each other to see if there COULD be a happily ever after. IMO engagement/marriage is when you agree you will (at least try to) spend the rest of your lives together. And we’re a far cry from that. He said he tends to think of commitment very seriously and consider happily ever after at this point too. Should I read something into this? Or am I over-analyzing? I can’t see how he could know, after 3 months, whether this is for good. Not that I think you should go into a serious relationship just to kill time either but his seriousness here sort of put me off. As well as made me think he is going to say no Thursday.

You have gone into convincing mode and as Stephanie stated… Now he has all the power. You get to sit around and see if he wants a relationship with you.

This is backwards… The man has to want and pursue you without you convincing him he can get past his demons and insecurities…. He should be the one convincing you why he is the right man.

Not the other way around.

I believe the red flags have been here since the beginning and you continue to make excuses for him.

1. He said he doesn’t do relationships well
2. He states he doesn’t want to lose his freedom…. This is true of all men EXCEPT when they meet the right woman and this fear goes away…trust me
3. He gets drunk and kisses another woman at a party in front of you and then blames YOU by saying he didn’t think YOU were serious
4. Early on he blamed you for not being more proactive and reaching out to him… This is totally counter to a man in active pursuit.
5. He is still good friends with the ex and shops with her? Is this the ‘traumatic marriage’ that was screwed up? Interesting they maintained such a tight bond after all the ‘ devastation’ that now makes him fearful of commitment again.
6. He was quickly willing to give up on you in your last conversation until you told him’ he was just afraid and didn’t mean it’. Again… It has to be the mans idea
7. What was his excuse for using tinder as recently as a few weeks ago? This is a man keeping his options open

You have to decide what is best for you, it’s just this early in, it should not be this hard. This should be the honeymoon period…

Given all these insecurities you both claim to have, why not get a professional counselor or mediator involved to teach you both how to work on this. Two broken people are going to have a difficult time fixing both yourselves and be successful as a couple.

I was just going to update you that I think I’ve finally found my peace – and then I saw what LA wrote. A big thanks to you, those indeed are excellent points!!! Even before I read that I had begun to truly believe if he says no, he’s not worth me. Period. I envisioned walking away from him…and it didn’t hurt one bit. I guess because this has been a rocky ride to begin with, I have more or less actively distanced myself from him. Well, at times anyway. I wish I can just stay this cool :) I know I deserve better. Thanks ladies!

WOOHOO! I had the same insights back in November. It’s like seeing the sun for the first time, and you realize it was actually there shining all along. I literally changed my attitude overnight too. And it has stayed that way. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I”m so happy to hear this.