Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating Frustrations- Am I asking Too Many Questions?
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Raven.
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Gaia
So I’m finding that dating sites are making frustrated so I’ve been limiting myself on them. One guy seemed pretty cool but I didn’t think we’d be compatible long term because we are at different stages of our life (my kids are grown, his one was really young and I don’t want to raise another kid) so we never met up.
The others I’ve been weeding through want to be pen pals, never make plans or just say “hey” which is annoying.
Recently I had a fb friend try to hit me up. We are social media friends due to a common music group we are in. He asked if I was single. Told him I was single and dating. He asked if I was dating any exclusively and I said no. He asked how to get in my rotation which was odd but I went with it. I said usually you ask for a date with a plan in place, then I ask a few questions and decide to accept or reject said date. He got butt hurt that he’d have to plan a date to possibly be rejected but said what are the questions. So I asked… are you single and what type of single as the first two questions. He said he was single with no girlfriend or significant other. Answered a few more questions but then he said his last relationship ended 7months ago with his ex wife. So I said, when was the divorce finalized. He was like… it will be in April or May. So I said, if I’m still single then he was welcome to ask me on a date but until then in my eyes he wasn’t single. He freaked out about how he was actually single and then made a rude comment about my own personal situation after I expressed that marriage was important to me and until his was fully dissolved I didn’t see him as single but as a married man.
I’m wondering if I shouldn’t be asking these questions but my gut says they are important. Like why would I get involved with someone with young kids if I don’t want to raise anymore? Why would I want to get with a man not fully divorced so he can sow his wild oats then go back to the wife? Maybe I’m just jaded.
On a bright note, I met a guy out naturally that I might be into… jury is still out LOL… so maybe I can stay off the dating sites for a bit.
Raven
These are the questions you should be asking…
Some of them you can address in your blurb.
By his reaction, your FB ‘friend’ is lazy & hiding something…
Liz Lemon
You’re not asking too many questions at all! You’re asking the right questions. Knowing whether someone has young children, or whether they’re actually divorced and not just in the process of divorce, are major details that you need to know! You’re weeding out the guys you aren’t compatible with, so you’re doing the right thing. Keep doing what you’re doing. And good luck with Mr. In-Person ;-)
Maddie
The questions are perfect and doing exactly what they should be: weeding out the men who would be a waste of your time, including that FB guy! Especially when you’re dating a little older, there’s no excuse for a guy not to be able to able to handle mature conversations. You didn’t ask him anything to indicate you want instant commitment from him or anything other than to make sure he’s single before you get to know him… nothing wrong with that.
Gaia
Thanks! Good to know I can keep trusting my instincts.
As for FB “friend” he’s no longer that. His follow up was to say “well how do you explain 2 kids and no husband, if it’s so important to you!! LMAO just kidding” which I responded to with “Part of my reason for leaving was that we weren’t married among other reasons. Not that I need to explain myself since I don’t waste my time with married men.” His response was “that’s cool girl. I hope I’m single when I’m single. I’m going to hold you to the date and I’ll bring the divorce papers.” I just said “no thanks, I’m good” and blocked him.
It was ridiculous though. Like how could he argue that he was single?!
Mr. In-Person was pretty cool. He answered all those questions in person and then made conversation out of them. We talked, joked, and had a genuine good time. We’ll see if we meet up again. I’m hoping.
Liz Lemon
That guy sounded like an a$$, honestly, from what you just shared. Dishonest, entitled and disrespectful. You’re better off having blocked him so you didn’t waste any of your time!
tammy
in my dating profile, i have written married men swipe left. and separated men who are not yet officially divorced, pls also swipe left.
what i realized was married men who don’t get along very well with their wives, consider themselves as single! WTH. i asked one of these guys ok so have you fled for divorce? he said not yet! ok so when did you move out? he said not yet! then comes out the truth that though technically he’s married but in reality hes single since he considers himself as single since he no longer sleeps with his wife. what??
i also weed out guys who got divorced recently!
your asking all the right questions and weeding out men with whom you don’t want a relationship. its being smart and saving yourself time and heartbreak to the extent you reasonable can. good going.
mama
wow Tammy, that’s priceless. People lie to themselves (and others) pretty intensely, don’t they!
tammy
yeah they do. and sadly there is a whole big breed of them! when i got on dating sites, it was with shock to learn that many men have no qualms about lying to get dates and interact with attractive women. when you catch them at their lies they also say your on a dating site and not on matrimonial site so how does their status matter? roll my eyes. i have grown past the point so don’t get irritated by such men. just block them without interacting further.
AngieBaby
Tammy, you are so right.
Last year I was talking with a business friend about a mutual acquaintance of ours. I knew he wasn’t getting along with his wife and she had moved out. I mentioned that he was thinking of leaving the country but he’d have to decide what to do about his marriage. Silence on the other end of the phone. Finally she said, “he’s MARRIED?” He’s never mentioned a wife! And he said he met the love of his life last year online!
Whoa. With insight from another mutual acquaintance, I figured out he did indeed consider himself single and was presenting himself that way in multiple places – he had gotten on a dating site and met a woman in another country, who luckily got cold feet after a few months because she smelled a rat and broke up with him.
This was someone I thought was otherwise honest and had integrity. Holy crap. The stuff men will do to get laid!
I learned the hard way – you stay away from separated or recently divorced men. They’re generally a mess and either in a lot of pain and therefore delusional about where they are in life and what they want or they are willing to be dishonest and don’t care who they hurt because they’ve been hurt. And I absolutely will not get involved with another man who has been cheated on. It’s rare they can fully recover in my experience. And they take it out on the next woman.
That’s why I”m always sorry to see women posting here who are in their 20s and 30s, wasting their precious time on an unworthy guy. The older you get, the smaller the dating pool of “normal” men gets. Thankfully I’ve got a good one before I hit 40!
Gaia
I may update my profile like that. I just expect people to have basic honesty and integrity. As for the “separated” man/men, I’ve gone down that path before and it is not a good one. You get to be the companion woman/stand-in wife/girlfriend until the divorce is finalized and then they want to run free. I don’t need that in my life. Plus, having never been married I want that option in my future and I don’t want to have to wait on an ex or the courts to decide how long the divorce will take.
It is amazing how weird guys can be. I couldn’t believe that guy argued with me about it like my personal opinion on it was wrong. He just proved he was not for me. I’m all about discussion and other opinions but if you have to argue with me to get a date it is definitely not going to happen LOL
I’m more focused now on hopefully meeting someone in person. Haven’t bumped into the one mentioned above again yet but he added me on social and has interacted with me almost everyday there. I don’t put too much stock in that though. We have a ton of mutual friends, similar interests, etc. And I find it interesting that he keeps tagging me in things regarding the conversations we had the night we met. We’ll see if it goes anywhere. I’m in no rush.
tammy
i met atleast 3/4 guys in the past 12 months through online dating sites who in personal meetings clarified that they are separated but living together for the sake of their children or going to file soon. since i am already out for the night, i might as well have a good time over dinner and drinks. i order without looking at the price, ensure they pay the tab and then i don’t bother meeting them again. if they have got this date with me by lying, then they might as well damn well pay!!!
Gaia
tammy- that’s why I ask a bunch of questions before meeting. I say a bunch but it really isn’t that many. Once I weed out the guys that just say “hey” and the ones who just want a pen pal, I start getting hopeful but I’m learning to keep that in check and not get too swept up in the fantasy of what could be. Especially because I’ve learned a lot of those who do willing meet up usually have a “ex” that they are living with or a fwb, girlfriend, wife, etc. So I started asking ahead of time… are you single and what type of single? I have found it weeds a lot of them out. Some respond, some just disappear lol
The guys who really flabbergast me are the ones who should not be dating at all. One recently that I matched with sent me a message about how he didn’t want to lead me on too much because he lost his job, was living in his car, and was hoping to do a few gigs to get a hotel room. Why would you even be on a dating site then!?!?!
AngieBaby
Gaia, I once got a message from a guy on a dating site (a long time ago) who seemed really nice… and then I read his profile. Recently out of the military, unemployed, had health issues, was homeless and sleeping on a friend’s sofa, but decided this was a good time to start hunting for the perfect woman to marry. He said he felt unmotivated but he knew that if he had a girlfriend, she would be – and I quote – “the reason I live and breathe and get out of bed in the morning and work for her and our future children.”
No pressure there, LOL.
Oh, and he said he didn’t have money to wine and dine someone, dates would be very simple, like walks in the park, but he knew the right woman would understand and wouldn’t demand he spend money on her. I didn’t respond. What the heck?? Get your life together before you go looking for a partner. This was the most extreme case but I am amazed at guys who are not in a good place who are trying to date nevertheless.
Raven
It’s like that old joke;
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a Girlfriend?
A: Homeless. -
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