Dating in Your 40's and 50's & Gunshy Men

Dana, hop boy! I should write a book about this!!

I just walked away from someone who has 56, a lovely gentleman and NOT OVER the ex (divorced 17 years ago) and over focused on his 19 yr old son at university. Too much baggage, emotional and financial.

I think you have to listen carefully on the first few dates and then watch what he does over time. In your case, his behavior indicates he is backing away. In your shoes I’d back off from him too – it doesn’t sound like he’s ready anything.

The number one thing to remember is: you can’t help them or heal them. It’s THEIR issue. This is the short answer. Does this help?

And let them say I love you first.

Dating in mid life is completely different to dating in your 20s or 30s. There is no comparison, really. Your guy sounds a bit cynical (as many are at this age) and a bit flakey as a result.

When they say they’ll attend something like that and don’t, it’s largely because they got cold feet and didn’t want the whole ‘family/relationship’ thing. It hurts, but it’s the reality. Don’t waste your time hanging around for some old bloke that hasn’t gotten over his marriage.

Not worth it. Look for someone who’s ready and open for love xx

The pattern I am seeing is that men who have never been married before simply do not have the right stuff. They say they want to

Men vote with their feet. It is bad that he did not show up to events after agreeing to. Those are actions, not words. That shows either a subconscious undermining of the relationship, or an actual lack of commitment. Hard to tell.

At 3 months, he should be able to articulate if he believes he will love you or if it won’t happen.

This does not sound like a bad man, maybe just a man who may not be a good fit.

It is not your job to un-gunshy him. Find a man who knows how to use a gun, and has good aim ;-).

I like Evan Mark Katz on this. Men within 2-3 months act like they are investing. If they are not doing that, you need to bounce. They will not come around. And thinking you will be the exception is a waste of time.

I’m not going to play games at my age. I will pull back but I’m not going to date other men just to prove to him that I can…he and I both know I can. He says I’m special and that he just needs more time…that he’s always been cautious in relationships. In the meantime I’ll just enjoy the time we spend together and see what happens.

As a side note: I want to clarify what ‘the one’ means. It means ‘the woman’ a man wants to make an investment in (see exclusively) to see where it goes. You are ‘the only one’ he’s spending his time with, whereas if things continue to go well he’ll eventually propose and marry you. If not, then he will get back out there and find ‘the one’ that he eventually will.

In a nutshell, ‘the one’ means the woman he’s devoting his time and energy in to see where it goes.

Ladies, I feel surprised here. I am not at issue with the saying love part – that can come.

I am at issue with committing to attending things and then backing out. That is not voting with your feet and it shows he is not investing in getting their lives more entwined. Thoughts?

I don’t believe its a coincidence that he cancelled AFTER you said you loved him.

Men will back off when they know or sense that you are more into them, than they are to you. I don’t like that he said you were ‘infatuated.’ It’s a deflection. He does not feel the same way and he doesn’t want you getting too attached that way, nor does he want the guilt of you being in love and him not. So he pushed it back at you in an attempt to make it ‘go away.’

This will be a turning point, is my guess. I agree with Lane that most men know if you ‘are the one’ very quickly. This is why many men do the fade after about 3 months…

This is because most men KNOW this is the time period when a woman usually is wanting to hear LOVE, or to be made the GF or for things to progress to the next level. My husband told me that what will happen at this point is he may ‘go along’ and make you a GF for the time being if he likes you enough. But if he see’s signs in you that are unattractive after this, he will be quick to bail.

If he doesn’t feel the incentive to ‘cave’ and be the BF, he will start to fade. This is so he doesn’t have to be faced or confronted by the woman regarding his feelings for her or intentions.

I hope things work out in a way you want it to. I would not give him much past 6 months, however. If he doesn’t feel it by then, I doubt he will. Men are not known to fall in love over time. They do it usually quicker than women do.

And how do you feel about hearing that?

At age 55 I caught my wife of 25 years cheating on me with a woman. Up to that point very in love, seemingly, while having a great marriage and life; I adored her and gave her and my daughter everything I had to give. To say I was traumatized is very accurate. 6 months after divorce is final I can tell you that I have trust issues; I don’t trust any woman for now, and I don’t want any to come near me. I’m spending all my time trying to heal and start a new life alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only real connection that is lasting when all the chips are down is that of family and my child. When all was lost my child and family were all that was left. I now consider marriage a temporary thing in life like other stages of life for example dating, college, marriage, children, and finally divorce or death of partner. I have everything that someone would want in a partner, but I will stay to myself and stay solo into older age sooner than I thought I would. We will leave this world solo, and my solo has started early. After all my emotional pieces are put back together I might mix with someone, but they will have to understand that it will be casual, and that any and all of my belongings will go to my daughter. Anyone interested in me will have to be satisfied with just me, the person. They will need to be complete on their own and meet me as a friend and sometimes companion. I hope I am strong and smart enough to find happiness in myself and not need someone else to complete me.

I agree that it is infatuation in the beginning but I also think that men do become infatuated with a woman very early on, I have yet to see an exception. If he is not all over you in the first few months, trying to chase, pursue, being in love, he never will. It is usually the three month mark that is the first breaking point. Even men who were all into a woman may back out or start doubting if she is the one. If love was never there then it is even worse although sometimes it just does not matter.

I think that older men are very difficult due to different reasons from younger men. Older men have a lot of baggage and less courage than younger men. I too date older men and my current BF has had a lot of the same issues, although he was definitely in love with me the first three months, he is also not fully over his divorce 13 years ago and overinvolved with his 19 year old son, there you go Stephanie.

When you start hearing from him that he feels pressured, that is a huge turnoff for me, I do not need to pressure anyone into anything, after all we really should be the prize, no? There are so many men out there who would be willing to treat you like that.

It is also totally silly to think that by dating others you would be doing anything wrong and it would just be to show him, you definitely should do so. Why? This man is not invested in you, so why are you investing where you should not? Did he ask you to invest? I do not think so.

I think we have to set our brains to think rationally and be able to see the signs. I also think that if he is not there now, he never will be. Distancing yourself may help, it is a good idea but on the long run it may not solve the problem. If the guy is not in love with you, it will not help. He may realize that he wants to invest in you and you could be the one but even then things could end up falling back to where they are now once he feels secure enough.

In relationships there are power dynamics at play which generally start developing after the first three months. It is not a good sign that you see this push and pull with him pulling away. Once these dynamics are set, they are really hard to change and you want to see the man being the one doing the pushing, not the pulling.

Remember also that 3 months is a prime time for you to leave if you are not seeing what you want to see. The first three months are there for you to watch and see his actions. He is not the only men. You do not need to chase him. You do not like what you are seeing, the door is open for YOU to leave, you have that option too.

Distancing yourself is also a good idea to see if you really do love him, think the situation over rationally and making sure it is not only attachment and bonding that occurred, which will with just about anyone that you are together with. The best way to tell though is by doing NC and in this case I would be inclined to break it off and try no contact for the above reasons.

I too am dating in this age range. There are certainly complicating factors when divorced with school age kids. My current interest (well one of my interests)is something slow to develop, something that shows potential but there are complicating factors at play for him and my life is complicated as well so I do not want a defined “boyfriend” right now, as I have kids, business, life etc.

I know he likes me and he knows I like him. It is comfortable and natural. He is investing emotionally. I know he felt instant strong attraction. When we spend time together my philosophy is to enjoy him in the moment and just be. This has been my approach the whole time. I personally will not introduce him or anyone to my children unless and until things are so serious as the altar is in the offing; and I would be happy in a long term dating arrangement for now as that suits me, but for now I am seeing other people and open to other possibilities.

You need to do right by yourself. If what you want is a BF; an exclusive relationship that is actively progressing then be honest with yourself and be open to that from other men. It may or may not be right for what each of you envision at this point in time.

Be willing to let go if there is that basic disconnect. Pressure is not going to help you at all (whether real or implied.)

Listen to what Jack says above. It is a revealing sharing from a man’s point of view. Only you know your situation. I think you just need to be pragmatic. Nothing keeps you from getting too emotionally wrought like additional options, activities and other friendships.

Why would you reserve yourself for someone who won’t reserve themselves for you?