Dating in Your 40's and 50's & Gunshy Men

Guys, the original post is of 2014

@Jack – sorry to hear about your divorce, but Jack, she was with a WOMAN, maybe she developed what many women have as hidden bi tendencies. In long-term marriages of 10+ years, it is almost to be expected that one (or both) partners would occasionally form emotional attachments to others. I think that if people told each other the truth, there would have been fewer divorces and fewer unhappy people.

I am not in this age category, but I am the type who’d tell things as they are. If some of my needs are not met and I fall for someone else, I’d talk to my partner about it and definitely before getting into anything physical.

Hope you’d find a new life partner Jack, not everyone is a liar and backstabber.

It took me a long time to finally realize that if we are true to ourselves and we are true to knowing what we really want in life, then we would be prepared to walk away from those situations and people who come in our live that do not fit our standards. Don’t blame the situation or the other person when things don’t work out if you already knew that it does not match you standards but you still went ahead with the hope that it can be fixed, love is enough to change the circumstance, or person because that is never the case. We can only change or control ourselves and how we react to what happens to us.

Thanks to all for your replies; very kind of all of you. My wife was hiding her sexuality all the 25 years with no indication –at all– of being lesbian first, Bi second and then conforming because of family pressure after she met me. I know that my thinking is affected by the pain I’m feeling and haven’t finished working through. I’m still struggling with all of it; the losses of home, job, family life, too. I’m continuing therapy and exercise, but I don’t even trust myself, yet, and that is something that will take time. I’m going to continue on my journey trying to heal, and hope the trust comes back along with it. I have no idea what my future holds, but I don’t plan on being a bitter person-it’s not in my nature. I’m going to feel, release and try to deal with all the feelings that come, good and bad. I appreciate all your words of encouragement.

Thanks for the kind words. I agree with you about loving ones self. I’m on this new journey, and doing the very best I can after the shock and heartbreak. Facing each day as it comes becoming the new me without depending on someone else to make me whole and happy. Good days and bad days, but better than a year ago when it started.

May I add another comment to the others here? what you guys have written is very beautiful and I appreciate the good thoughts you put down.

Being ‘gun-shy’ or on the fence means “it’s you, not mean.” I have come to see that the for the right person – they are not on the fence and not gun shy. But with the wrong person, they are.

I say that because I had my eye on someone who seemed very kind and sweet, a real gentle man so to speak. A good friend spoke well of him so I went for it. Well, mixed messages of I like you/go away were what I got. Please. That is so hurtful at any age and more so when we are older and more experienced. Yes, he seemed interested but when I responded he would push me away.

In the end, that’s his issue and not mine. I walked away. He still tries to act like we are friends but we are not. He just doesn’t get it that you cannot be rude to someone you are expressing interest to. Friends told me he was “gun shy.” No, that’s not a good enough excuse. Be kind, be nice and that’s all we ask – men and women.

Anyway, I was disappointed but there it is. I don’t want someone’s friendly/rude behavior, he can have it. I want someone who is ask kind and loving as I am. : )

I too am older and dated a lot…I met a lot of different men and finally met someone WHO WANTED TO BE WITH ME!!!!! We went on our first date in April of the year and in Oct we got together for what turned out as a fabulous weekend.

I did tell him right up front I was looking for a relationship.

I kind of let him take the lead..It wasn’t love at first site but it was like and I knew we’d be together. We took it slow and thankfully it is working great for us.

I feel what made it work was the fact I was right up front with what I wanted and then just waited it out, which many have said was the 3 month mark.

I think you should look elsewhere and let the next man know what you want. A lot of us at this age want a relationship and I are willing to go for it if all the elements are there. Don’t settle…

Your man is not only disappointing you,but others as well….Think about it