Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating me while sleeping with someone else
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
Elvira.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Vera
Hi all! I’m looking for a bit of advice here.
I’m mid 30s female , single and dating . Looking for a real relationship , the right guy for me .
I am very traditional and I don’t sleep around at all, no sex unless relationship etc.
Like many ladies and gents, I have some minor trust issues , especially early on, and I like to find red flags ASAP so I don’t waste time with someone new.
I want to find someone with my values , essentially.I went out with a seemingly lovely man, met him on an app.
We only went out once , but I suspect he is sleeping with someone else .
I can tell based on his location from the app, in the evenings and overnight .
While I know it is his right to sleep with whoever he wants, I’m just wondering what your general opinions are regarding this.Is a man who is truly ready to settle down able to sleep with one girl while dating others ?
Is it too early for me to worry about this?Thanks. Xx
Raven
Well Sherlock, You tell me…
cupcake
Too early? No absolutely not. When i date a man and he doesn‘t pledge his undying love and loyalty to me after the first date i drop him immediately 🤪 /s
For real tho…this is a complete stranger you have met once. If I found out that someone i been on ONE date with is keeping tabs on my location and judging my sex life, i would run for the hills.
(Sexual) exclusivity should certainly be discussed and be expected in a developing relationship. But not after one date. Not saying you should leave it for months ( i would personally settle this before sex, but thats just me) but surely a few dates/weeks are necessary to figure out if this even something you want to explore further.
T from NY
What cupcake said. Obviously it’s uncomfortable but playing detective never is good for a budding relationship. Enjoying yourself is what you should be doing. Men SHOW you who they are. Hell pre-pandemic I’ve had “a friend” I slept with to get my needs met while I was dating to find a real partner. Whatever people’s opinions on that it worked for me because I was able to detach and be objective about sex JUST being sex. A lot of men are able to do that too.
Again I may not like it if I noticed the man I was dating was always in another town in the evening. But as a woman you HAVE to believe that what is meant for you will not pass you by. This man will court you, or he won’t! You’re nowhere near knowing if he’s good enough to sleep with. And if I got serious enough to begin sleeping with someone I normally ask they get STD tested as I did regularly, use protection and always made it clear I had to have exclusivity. Men are usually honest about these things when it comes down to it. Even if they aren’t – your trust issues are YOU issues. I used to say I had them too. Then I realized it was just ME not believing in ME. Whatever happens you will have the skills and gut instinct to know it or handle. Seriously turn this around and do nothing but have fun and let the go show you who he is.
Vera
Haha , definitely do not expect him to be committing to be at all. It’s not like I know I want him. But I’m not sleeping with anyone else either so I’m making sure I’m totally open to any real connections .
It’s not really about him. My question is more of a general , if a guy is sleeping with another girl or other girls , is he even emotionally available to date someone new ?I’ve been there, done that, dated, didn’t care in the past if a guy was dating someone else at the beginning . My goal was to maybe have a relationship for a few months. But I am now looking for the real thing so I’m just wondering if I need to keep this in mind with dating .
Anon
Yes guys can sleep with a girl and date others. Men compartmentalize very well so they can absolutely do that.
Lane
The answer is yes. Men who are ready to settle down will date and sleep around until they find “the one” they want to settle down with. I’ve known many guys who were ready to settle down and slept with women they dated until they found her.
The difference between women and men, is men don’t date to seek out a relationship like ladies do. They for the most part date and fall into them when they meet a lady who stands out from all the others he’s met. when you meet ‘that guy’ you literally have to do nothing but show some (not too much) interest and let him do all the heavy lifting.
What worked for me was that I just kept living my life and by doing so it kept them wondering if I like them haha. When a guy really really likes you its obvious. If its not obvious then you give him little to none of your time and keep meeting others because the moment you feel compelled to go into “chase mode” its game over.
cupcake
Agree with the others. Most men are quite good at compartmentalising when it comes to sex and relationships. I don‘t think him still seeing/sleeping with others at one date in means anything. That‘s why it‘s not a good idea to keep such close tabs on a date (like checking or reading too much into his location…for all you know it could mean something completely different than what you think).
Like Lane said, i think the best course of action is just to live your life, let him initiate and not get too involved early on. When it starts to develop a little more, then you can revisit the exclusitivity issue, but not at the very initial stage.
Mind you, i too think that after a short while, when it becomes clear that it could develop into something more and its going well I too would be concerned/upset if the person i am dating is still seeing other people, bc that would indicate that they are not all emotionally invested in me/building a relationship.
Everyone has their own personal „cut off“ point for that, but i think „after the first date“ is def too soon.
Liz Lemon
To be fair, you don’t *know* if he’s sleeping around. You’re making assumptions based on his app location. I also have to admit that I find it jarring that you’re tracking a guy you had one date with, and making these assumptions. Not trying to attack you but just pointing out, I don’t think that’s healthy dating behavior, frankly. Not after one date. You will drive yourself crazy if you monitor every guy you go on one date with like this.
But I agree with the general consensus here that yes, guys (and women too) can separate sex and dating, and be in a sexual relationship with someone while dating to find a partner. Not everyone is wired the same way, but it’s easier for some people than others. I also agree it’s really important to honor your boundaries and have conversations about exclusivity before you have sex if that’s important to you.
Elvira
I agree with Liz that your making assumptions based on your snooping of where he is. That alone says that you are way too invested in a relationship that hasn’t even happened yet. If your so concerned if he is “sleeping” with other people already then you should remove yourself from this situation, you’re already questioning this guys actions/whereabouts. Like everyone stated it is possible to “date” and sleep with others while dating and finding someone you connect with.
-
AuthorPosts
