Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Dating two guys at the same time
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Raven.
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Mary
I have a problem. Recently I opened tinder to explore the dating scene. I met several guys went on a few dates but with two of them caught my attention. Let’s call them A and B. With A we had a nice chemistry and dates were fun. He kissed me on the second but since his job involves leaving for several months and then returning I didn’t want to proceed. So, I put my chances on B. Communication with him was even better, he is well-educated, but on the sexual domain he is super shy. And I don’t mean sex, this guy can’t even kiss me without feeling panicky (I could tell from his body language). Date no.3, B didn’t even touch me, so I started losing interest and decided to give another chance to A. I thought that I should focus on the moment, and enjoy the process as it is without thinking what will happen in 6 months when he will leave. Third date with A then and it was great! He kissed me all the time, told me compliments, held my hand etc. So, I believed that I had made my choice, until B reappeared. He sent me a long text apologizing for his behaviour, taking the whole responsibility for his lack of passion, telling me how attractive I am and finally asking me to give him a second chance.
The thing is that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know these guys well enough to decide who to date and I can’t date them both without them know because it feels unethical to me. But what if A is just complimenting me to get me into bed, and what if B really realized his let’s say mistake and transform into a great partner? Should I keep seeing both and spend time with them or that would create expectations and disappointment? I surely wouldn’t want to have a “crush” that also dated others but on the other hand since no commitment has been made isn’t it normal to explore my options?
Gaia
You are overthinking this. Live in the moment. However, believe the negatives. You know that A is definitely leaving. This most likely means he is not looking for a relationship. He’s looking for casual fun until he leaves. As for B, go out with him. You may find out you really like him. However, if there is no sexual chemistry from your end I wouldn’t drag it out.
But you were only on date 2 right? What kind of touching did you expect? It sounds like he was just being respectful. I’ve notice the guys who are genuinely nice & respectful will not push to touch or get physical right away. Usually they wait until date 3 or 4. But there are signs from his body language that he is into you on the first few dates including the way he sits next to you, stands near you, brushes against you, etc.
I’d give B a chance personally since A is definitely not what I would be seeking in a relationship. He made it clear he is leaving. Why waste time dating, investing, and getting to know him for him to leave?
Liz Lemon
I agree with Gaia. You know A is leaving, so there’s no relationship potential there, if that’s important to you. He probably is “just complimenting you to get you into bed”- not that there’s anything wrong with that, since he’s been honest that he’s not sticking around. If you date and sleep with him for 6 months you’ll definitely get attached and be crushed when he leaves.
You’ve had 3 dates with B, right? Do you feel any chemistry with him at all? Gaia’s right that many times a guy won’t pounce on you on the first date or two out of respect. My bf didn’t kiss me until the 3rd date, but there was definitely strong chemistry and attraction between us from date 1. If you feel there is attraction and chemistry, give him a bit more time– but if there is really no chemistry, don’t drag it out. I do find it odd that he sent you a long text apologizing for his “lack of passion”- he sounds a bit awkward- but maybe you can work past that, I don’t know.
I’ll also add that after only 3 dates, it’s perfectly fine to keep your options open. You can continue to date and meet other guys. You’re not committed to either of these dudes.
Mary
Thank you both for your answers! A is leaving because he works in the merchant navy, so in 6 months as he told me, he will leave for 6 months, then return and so on. He told me though that he is looking for something serious and that he considers leaving that job after a few years. I know that sounds way too far but he insisted that we should try and even when he will be away we can talk and videochat. Only if we are a couple I mean, for the time being we just get to know each other, but I was a bit concerned about his job and that was the explanation. As for B, I think that there is some chemistry, at least we communicate a lot. I lost interest because after the awkward kiss on date 2, followed a date 3 in which he didn’t even touch me. After a text conversation we had, I told him that I was expecting more, things like holding my hand, kissing me once in a while etc. and then he told me that he was super shy, that when he was younger he had a negative experience -didn’t explain what, and that he is mad with himself for not being more expressive. To be honest, I do appreciate his honesty, but I also feel that he is kind of insecure, that’s why I have second thoughts. But again, he went on texting me asking for a next date and telling me not to lose interest on him yet, because he sees potential in us. I don’t know what to do…
Raven
You’ve posted about the Merchant Marine previously. You know this isn’t what you want.
Keep dating…
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