Decisions, Decisions

How long have you two been together?
Do you live together?

We’ve been dating one year and yes, he wants to get married. He lives in the next town so we see each other frequently, but he would prefer every day which is hard because I’m still working at a challenging and time-consuming career. I’m not trying to give up my limited down time that I need to survive at my age! Does this all make sense or am I being too self-serving? Hoping as we age the restrictions and expectations age with us, buy maybe not.

Agree with Raven. You can’t expect expectations to “age out.” People don’t just magically change. You need to communicate your needs and decide if his needs and your needs are compatible together, or if you can at least come to a compromise that makes both people happy and stays consistent both in words and actions once agreed to (at least until someone speaks up again if their needs have changed later). If he really is a great guy, he will respect your opinions without resentment or weirdness.

Is he respecting your boundaries in order to hang onto you even though your desires may be incompatible? Or is he actually happy with things if they stay as is? (Don’t make assumptions or mindread to make decisions on his behalf, just ask and listen.) If you’ve talked this out and hit an impasse but no one wants to admit it because one or both of you is too afraid to break up, then you should move on. If you’ve talked this out and you’re both happy with your relationship being this way indefinitely, then great. Otherwise, find someone who wants the same things you do. Milestones (such as engagement and marriage) don’t need to look the same for everyone. Maybe you move in together but have mostly separate finances and separate bedrooms in the house. Some people want that type of arrangement, others really really don’t. So it goes back to really figuring out what you want and finding someone who truly wants the same and isn’t just bending themselves resentfully into a pretzel to avoid being alone.

You may also want to go to couples counseling, or even your own independent therapy a few times, to figure this out. Is your need for separation something you’ve always had, or are you still tired and sad and apprehensive of investing again after being widowed? You don’t need to answer that for me, but can be something you explore with a professional to figure out if you even want to be in a fully serious relationship again. No shame in it if you do or if you don’t. The couples counseling would be to help see if you can work as a team to come up with a solution that works for both of you instead of drifting forward seeing how much you can each bend without breaking totally, until one of you does break.

I’m glad, I hope it works out for you!