Deep Feelings and Missing Me…That Means What, Exactly?

Why don’t you ask him? We can all guess but only he has the answer.

It means keep doing whatever you are and behaving the way you have been that prompted him to tell you that because what it really means is that he feels safe with you. That means he is so in love with you that he’s overwhelmed by his own feelings.

Don’t be too surprised if he pops the question soon. He’s scared because it is a huge step but he also is feeling like he has to take it or never be able to wake up next to you again…that’s where the missing you more than he is comfortable with comes in…

You only broke up for a month and there is already another woman in the picture who he’s talking about making his girlfriend? And he wants a mother figure for his kids but he doesn’t think you’re it but he tells you she has a lot to prove before he can commit to her? I think we’re missing part of the story here. Is this a an ex he has gotten back with like you? Is there any history there? I think you have to look at his actions more than what he says. If his actions are him seeing another woman then to me that makes his words of I love you and I miss you totally irrelevant and meaningless.

kaye: we broke up in February and started casually seeing each other again in March. All of this with the other woman just came out end of June/this month. From what I understand this woman is someone new, not an ex or anyone like that. He has been talking to her for a few months and they have seen each other a few times (she lives in another state for now). I was okay with that, because again, casual. But what I can’t understand is: how is it she has a lot to prove before he can fully commit to her? If he’s already talking about her being his girlfriend? What’s there to prove? Just talking about that seems to already imply some form of commitment, right? And I asked him, “wait, so you say you love me and all of that, you can’t stay away from me, but you’re talking bf/gf with her? You can’t truly love me and have her for a girlfriend; if you did, wouldn’t I be your girlfriend again?” He tried to tell me that if he didn’t have kids, things would be totally different and that he truly enjoys being with me. But in contrast, he has also said he wants me to meet the kids and that I would get along with them.

vanessa: I’m confused too. I had had a feeling he was seeing someone else, but since we were casual, I was okay with it. I finally asked him about her and he did tell me and told me the previously mentioned info- that she was not his girlfriend but they had discussed such possibly happening in the future. His excuse is that he needs someone to help raise his children (I don’t quite understand why; given the custody arrangement he only gets them every other week for three days and when he has vacation time); he has never directly said I would not be a good mother figure. But when we have been together, he tells me about the kids, he’s asked for advice about them before, we’ve joked how I would be their friend for life given that I have vintage action figures from my childhood that they would like. Yet he is not certain since he claims he needs someone and that is what causes him conflict about the two of us.

Since all of that, he has said the original stuff: “I miss you more than I am comfortable with when we are apart” and “Yes, that’s a compliment. Means my feelings run deep.” He has been on vacation with his kids this whole week and has texted me more than normal. So I feel like the answer should be staring me in the face but I am conflicted and confused.

Erin,

This guy is either playing games, or he is so confused he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. My cynical self says he’s playing games.

If a man says he can’t choose between me and another woman, I’m the type of person that says, “Let me make the choice for you; I withdraw. I want a man who knows what he wants and that wants me, and that man is obviously not you.” Then, wish him well with his new relationship and cut contact; if you don’t completely cut contact, he’ll try to reel you back in with sweet words and promises, but he’ll pull the same thing again later on down the road.

I’m not sure what’s so confusing here… all I see is a man trying to hold onto something casual, because, well… let’s face it, it works for him!

If that’s cool for you, and if you don’t mind being a casual side portion while he pursues a girlfriend relationship with someone else, then go for it. That in itself would be a deal breaker for me. I require an exclusive relationship with things progressing forward at a slow but predictable pace.

This man has a lot of excuses and disclaimers… “I love you, but…”. “If I didn’t have kids, then…”. Don’t you deserve more? Why are you settling for crumbs?

Misty, while you are very optimistic, and that is a good trait, you can not always compare your relationship, and your man with every situation on this forum. Be glad you are the exception to the rule.

You going on about how the sun shines out of your guy’s behind gets a bit tiring, and frankly it sounds more like bullshit

Now after reading all that Erin has mentioned, are you still suggesting she should just wait for him to pop the question?

Go write a novel about your “Mr Wonderful” but everyone situation is different.

Most situations are only situations because people choose to hide behind the fears they have. People are the same world over. You are not so unique and your situation not so different than mine or anyone else’s in the end…

The questions always are: Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you compatible? Are you not? That’s it. There’s no “situation” really.

Until you learn to accept that everyone is basically the same all over, and you learn to kill your own ego, you’ll always feel like a loser and feel no one truly understands you.

Get over your own ego and become self aware. It will open your eyes to wonders in this world that you never thought existed.

Hey Erin,

If his actions are loving but the words aren’t always there, can you deal with it? That’s the most important question you can ask yourself. Depending on your honest answer to yourself (you don’t have to post it), what action you should take or not take will become clear to you.

In the end it does come down to the question of unconditional love in a relationship context. That is what this guy is going to need. If you cannot give it to him, it’s best to walk away. If you can, I will guarantee it is worth the wait….

(in case you hadn’t figured it out, my cynical side and my optimistic side clash in regard to him. I do love him and care about him, but I know I need to think of myself AND not settle for less)

Dear Erin,

I feel you, you are confused now for sure.
All the advices here are just general advices, base on each individual experiences, perceptions. You are the only one who knows exactly what is happening and you are in the situation.
Most of the time men live by the moments. When he said these things, he was in the moment. After getting out of the moments, if the actions and words will match and consistent, then it is the truth. However, if his moments pop in here and there and were not followed thoroughly from time to time, then they are just the moments.
I agree with most of the ladies here. He is not necessarily a player or bad person but he is definitely not 100% there for you.
Usually when men or women seeing more than one person, we will not be direct about it. If he is seeing someone and let you know about it, he thinks you already has you, you will never leave him. When this happens in the men mind, you will end up with being heart broken.
I feel sad for you when reading your posts. You have questions after questions….why on Earth we, women, have to deal with these confusions. My suggestion is STOP asking us, and yourself questions after questions. He is the only one who knows the exact answers. Please sit down and talk to him, ask him the questions you have here. Tell him you would like to be exclusive. If he chooses you, then great. If he is still being wishy-washy, be ready to walk away. I mean WALK away. Then you have a chance for him to chase you. If he does not chase you back, he is not right for you. You might be heartache if he chooses her but you will get over it, better know sooner than later. Go date other men and you will find the the right one for you. Or you might have him 100% yours. Either way, does not matter what the outcome is, you will win for your life ahead of you.
I will always support you, my thoughts are there for you, be strong girl.

Misty: I am sure of how I feel about him. Even when I have been furious with him over things, and I did get very upset about the talk of this other woman becoming the girlfriend given that it juxtaposed against his words and actions with me, that has not changed. Makes things a bit difficult for me, if that makes any sense.

Vickie: I read your words last night before lying down. I was upset over the whole things and they made me feel better and peaceful (which in turn got me to sleep easily), so I am grateful for that. And I agree, it’s not like he’s some evil jerk out to get me. We have had our disagreements in the past yet he insists he can’t simply leave or walk away. There have been times where it’s gotten so bad that I have told him to quit saying I love you, that he doesn’t mean it (this usually happens when I run away with my own emotions and don’t think straight). And he has said he can’t and won’t.

I think you are right: he thinks he’s got me and that I’m going to just get upset and then calm down and then we will be back to square one. Except we really can’t. I even told him, “am I supposed to be happy for you? That some time in the near future you’re wanting her to be your girlfriend?” And that was when he suggested sitting down and talking about it.

redcurleysue (love the name!): that’s what I’ve thought. I love him, I care about him…but I want it to be reciprocated. When we first started to try again, back in March, every time we were together he’d say “I love you.” And given that I was still smarting a little from the complications that broke us up, I’d be skeptical and brush it off (though I did want to say it back, but at the same time I was trying to guard myself). I’d ask him, “why?” And he’d say “I just do.” I’ve wondered if he knows what he wants, but he doesn’t want to tell me because I might not like the answer. I’d rather have the honesty than feel like I’m not entirely good enough, hence this other lady.

Again, I very much appreciate all the answers! I never thought I’d get this many responses, so thank you all!