Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Deployed BF distant
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Hannah.
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Elle
My BF of a year was recently deployed over seas. He is a ranger and will only be gone until January. Before he left I made sure to write him a few letters for he plane and when he first got there. I also sent a box in the day he left so he would get it right away. He’s called me nearly everyday but he seems distant. He picks and chooses which emails I send to respond to. I assume It was because they were busy. But when I asked how things were going yesterday, he said it’s slow right now. They train and shoot in the morning and then watch movies at night. He also mentioned using his phone to browser the internet. Before he left, he told me he would be leaving his cell phone as his office in the states. So this came as a shock. I said so.. you are able to what’sapp then and you haven’t? He said it’s at “weird times” and blah blah. I got off the phone and was annoyed because he’s clearly not busy and had internet access as well as his phone. Why is he not doing more to make me feel better? I constantly go out of my way to do nice things for him. He wrote my a short note before he left and that’s it. I had hoped when I had a bad week recently for flowers sent to work. Or maybe a hidden card in the house. But nothing. I feel unnapreciated. I am currently working full time as well as full time working on my masters and I just almost feel that I need to back away a BF and re focus on myself and my extremely demanding schedule.
Nat
I don’t think he’d ever send you flowers, he is not the type. You need someone different.
Stop doing nice things to him. Stop contacting him. It is clear he is not into you. If he is coming back in January and asks you back, make him work for it.
Lane
Hi Elle.
As as seasoned ex military spouse (in for four years and married over 20) all I’m going to say is STOP!
Men miss you more in their ABSENCE, and right now your coming off as a clingy girlfriend and its making him uncomfortable. My ex was deployed more times than I can remember where we went WEEKS without speaking (before voicemail, internet, cell) as was my youngest son now 24 (with internet & cell) and I didn’t need to be in constant contact as over-communicating can bore a guy. Its best to talk maybe once or twice a week so you have something new or interesting to talk about or these convos become very boring and mundane and less likely to engage.
He’s a grown man and is fully capable of taking care or and entertaining himself, so don’t act like a ‘mother hen’ as a man needs to know his woman can take care of herself when he’s away. Just be available when he’s ready to talk, and keep yourself busy doing other things so you have something to talk about :-)
Hannah
I’m with Lane. With a military family, I can tell you letters to read on the plane, care packages and constant contact isn’t what they want. Deployment is normal for him. It’s not a big deal and it’s what he signed up for. If he wanted to be around his friends and family 24/7 he wouldn’t be in the military.
I’m sure he’d appreciate the care and attention if he was half way through a long tour of Iraq or Afghanistan but it sounds like he’s on a short training exercise. He’s probably enjoying his time away doing what he likes doing.
Remember he signed up for this and he knows it involves time away from loved ones. He’s OK with that and has actively chosen it for a career. It’s not like the movies. These aren’t people who have been conscripted and can’t bear to be apart from their loved ones. They chose it!
Just do your own thing until he’s back.
Elle
Well this is actually his first deployment. He’s been on trainings before but this is his first actual one and he was actually not happy to leave and was stressing a lot before. He asked me to send certain things to him and said he loved he letters. He said to write as much as possible emails and whatever. My thing is, he wants this all FROM me but isn’t willing to reciprocate. If he was busy, no big deal to me. I have a full social life and am not normally a needy gf. However, him being away and me giving giving giving to get little in return when I know he has ample free time is making me very resentful.
T from NY
Hey Elle —
I would be upset too if I were you. Especially if he told you he was leaving his cell phone and then he lets you know that not only does he have his phone, but that he had been able to contact you and chose not to.
It’s hurtful and I’m not quite sure why some men get distant and choosy about how and when they respond but the best bet is always just to pull back and try as hard as you can to concentrate on you. If he is overall a good boyfriend and most of the time makes an effort — he may just be going through something right now (you said he was stressed about leaving) and is handling it in his own way.
My boyfriend is a medical student and there are times when he is so affectionate and other times when he is somewhat to himself and less mindful of me. I try to just not read into the distant times and give him the support he needs — which may mean less of me!!
Trust him right now if he hasn’t given you a reason not to and keep yourself busy. You’re not alone! And being a good partner sometimes means giving the other person what they need even if it does nothing for you.
Newbie
Just tell him in a non offended way that you keep in touch like he asked and that you like him to try as well.
Lane
Elle, then stop.
Again, I understand what he and you are going through. Of course the fear of the unknown makes one think they need something, but when they get there it really isn’t any different than the training, which where the disconnect is. He’s there on a mission, focused on the mission, acclimating to his surrounding, and that’s where his head is at right now. I would always wait for my ex to respond first, that way I knew he was in the right head space to communicate.
Communication requires TWO PEOPLE. You communicate first, he follows up…until then you don’t communicate. My husband missed me more when I communicated less lol. I’ve sent many care packages to my ex, and then son, but it was done to make their conditions more palatable—I didn’t expect anything in return other than a ‘thank you’ and that was enough for me. I didn’t send another unless they personally requested specific things, or it was their birthday or holiday because it was A GIFT and true gifts don’t come with expectations.
Take a step back and let him fill in the space when he’s ready. When the communication ebbs its a sign of boredom, so end it, then wait a bit (few days) until either he or you have something new or interesting to talk about.
redcurleysue
I think he is caught up in what is going on where he is.
I do not think he is a homesick as he thought he would be and I think he knows he is coming home very soon.
So, that is all good. If it ain’t broke do not fix it. Let him reach out to you.
Hannah
Elle my sister is in the military and I get the same type of communication from her…and she’s not a guy! Even when things are quiet, she can be focused on what she’s doing and a life she can’t share with me because it’s so different from mine. She also forms very close bonds with her colleagues. They and her job become pretty much her entire life when she’s away.
Just don’t take it personally, especially if it’s his first deployment. A whole new world is opening up to him. He has to learn to adapt to it and also balance it with his home life.
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