Developing feelings for someone I don't feel physically attracted to

There is some attraction, but I don’t feel like I would want to rip his clothes off and take him to the bedroom. It has to do with the way he looks and presents himself, he isn’t necessarily your typical ‘goodlooking guy’ (whatever that might mean).
I know in the past I have always been sexually attracted to someone I have loved from the beginning. But yes they always were more emotionally unavailable.

But working with a therapist I have learned to identify this issue and ŕealized I need to be with someone that is more available. That’s why I am happy I can start to feel something for such a sweet and loving guy.

But sexual passion is really important to me as well. And part of me thinks maybe I should just sleep with him because that might ignite a spark. But if it doesn’t, he will be even more hurt if I end things.

When you tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable guys, it sets off all sorts of intensity sparks right away. This is longing and limerance, and generally means the guy is hitting some familiar old wounds, and the overwhelm of anxiety feels like attraction. As you work through with your therapist, and get more secure within yourself, you will start to recognize this for what it is, which is usually a signal that there’s intense attraction based on lack of availability but no foundation for a stable relationship.

Eventually, if you move past this through the work with the therapist, there’s another type of deep attraction for partners based in comfort, safety, stability, and deep appreciation that can happen with someone more available. It’s not longing because you’re complete in yourself but appreciate the other person and the connection. But it tends not to happen until you’re ready for it.

It’s possible that working through things with this guy will help you get there, but it’s also possible the timing isn’t right and you have some more work to do. I’m on the fence about advice because I don’t want you to lead the guy on when it may take a long time yet for you to get to where you’re going, even though I really applaud you for working with a therapist and getting yourself in a better place to have successful relationships. But if you’re ready, commitment is also a choice you make every day, it’s not just a reaction to emotions. Emotions are more a guide, and if they’re stuck in old patterns that no longer are relevant to the current situation, they’re not always the best guide.

That’s what I suspect is going on, but what does your therapist think? Have you talked to them about it?

Agree with what others have said. Also very important to keep this in mind – Going on 5 dates in one week means this relationship will last 5 whole minutes. It is up to the woman to pace the relationship. Slow this way down. Also i feel you should stop worrying about hurting him. If you feel at some in the future the need to sleep with him to assist you in working out your feelings – you do. He’s a grown ass man. Men hurt us after sleeping with them all the time when they do what they need to do for themselves. Of course each person should conduct themselves with as much respect as possible within a relationship towards the other person, but there is no rush, no fire. Take time with him, as well as apart, and continue therapy and take the time needed to process your feelings.

I’m going to play devils advocate here. I felt the same way about my ex-husband. I wasn’t ‘physically attracted’ to him as he wasn’t my type BUT after having break up sex with him (to get my ex BF off my back lol) he was a very good lover! I knew he had a crush on me before I gave him a chance but I couldn’t develop those ‘loving feelings’ for him, the way he did for me. After 5 months of being together, I was going to break up with him. I took some space, mainly to get up the courage to tell him “I don’t love you” but the opposite happened, and I started to miss him! That was the first sign I had grown feelings that I wasn’t feeling until the thought of him not being in my life would be more painful. We were married over 20 years.

In a nutshell, its not always cut and dry, or black and white. Sometimes things happen when you don’t expect it, so I wouldn’t go into thinking you’ll hurt him but that you don’t know enough about each other to make a clear or cohesive decision yet. Taking a chance or risk is much better than the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s (aka “regrets”). You only have one life, so live it.

I can tell you that attraction can grow, and attraction can go. Have you ever met someone and they were beautiful at first, but after you get to know them and their personality sucks, they become less attractive? The reverse happens also. If there is at least a small attraction, it will grow as you learn about their beautiful heart. I’d be interested to hear how this turned out for you :)