Did he breakup with me because he has erectile dysfunction?

Hei Lisa. Even though you are 45, you acted very immature, sorry to say, which sure came from a very low self-esteem point. He was direct in saying there is some fynctional problem with erection. Instead of sitting down and finding the way how to solve this (e.g. assuring him you love him for all the qualities, asking whether he is maybe willing to see a doctor and check his health), you blamed him in lying and didn’t want to listen anything.
If you cannot communicate through the problems that every rlationship has, you’d better leave him to be.
If you want to be with him, get yourself together and apologies for not listening and speak further as an adult. This is frustrating, but you are not the only couple in the world who encompassed such issues. There are solutions you can find together.

I think you broke up due to an inability to communicate about a vital part of a relationship. It seperated the bond. That may have caused 2 of your scenarios over time.

You start off pretending nothing is happening, that makes you less close, then you lose attraction for someone because they are so seperate to you.

If he wasn’t into you, he wouldn’t have tried to talk to you and fix it. You threw all of this efforts to solve a difficult situation in his face!

All you had to do was tell him you really cared about him but he needed to start viagra and you would have been fixed.

Thank you Heather for the response.

You are absolutely correct. Not talking about it early on is what probably led to the demise of our relationship.

It didn’t even dawn on me when he first started the conversation that it could have been about his ED. All I heard was “it’s not you, it’s me” and with everything I’ve ever read and heard about when a guy says that to you, it’s really you, etc……I didn’t understand or stop to try to understand. I can’t seem to stop beating myself up over this. I wish he would have just said, “hey I need to discuss the sexual issue in our relationship”. Just be right got to the point! Also, at some point in our conversation he could have said, “hey I’m not breaking up with you”. Which of course makes me wonder if that was his intention, since we ended up broken!

I appreciate all the insight you all have. Please be patient with me. I’m trying to process this. I don’t really have a lot of people I can talk these things out with.

I think it’s a huge leap to assume it’s the sex. Men don’t break up over this unless you are complain8ng or making a big deal of it. Only he knows the real reason for breaking up and most times men won’t give you the real reason, even if you ask. Just because we think a relationship is fulfilling our needs doesn’t mean it fulfills the other person. I agree you acted immature in jumping to conclusions about not being attractive. Men know that women want more from a relationship around the 3-6 month mark, so if he had hesitation, he knew he should cut bait and not continue down a path that for him wasn’t leading anywhere. It could be the ED, but it could be that he didn’t see you as the one for him.
I think you are twisting this to be about sex and it could really be that he didn’t see afuture with you regardless of the sex.
I know that hurts, but at least he didn’t just disappear, he tried to be honorable and at least tell you face to face.

@Jan

“And he didn’t invent the phrase it’s not you, it’s me”

I never said he invented the phrase.

“I think it’s a huge leap to assume it’s the sex.”

And I didn’t assume it was because of the ED. I actually assumed it was because he wasn’t into me.

Lisa.ED problems are very complex and can have many causes. Men in his age group commonly have erection issues. If you want to enlighten yourself-read “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld Ph.D.
I do not understand your insecurity and why you handled this so poorly. You did not let him speak but just assumed,so you really are not clear on what he was saying and what outcome he wanted.
My man of one year is in his late 50’s. He has E.D. from a stroke and Viagra etc. does not help. I know that it is hard for wpmen to understand how ashamed and unmanly these issues make a guy feel-they do not realise that it is quite common.
We have sex but can’t do regular intercourse-sex is just a physical manifestation of love and can take many forms.
If he was trying to talk about the E.D.-you assuring him that the two of you could seek solutions together and tt you loved him,would have been a place to start.
I read and educated myself so I could help him feel good and figure things out. Reading and going to a doctor or sex trapist can help these situations.
I am guessing if this is about sex (he feels terrible and thinks you should have a “real” man)that it is 100% not that you aren’t attractive etc.
So,if you wish you were still together,if you wish to listen and understand and know you jumped to hasty conclustions-this is what I would do:
Call him and ask to meet. Tell him that you feel bad because he was trying to express sometime important to you and you cut him off and made assumptions.Tell him that you miss him etc. (if indeed you do, and want/hope to be together and this whole thing is not just about you and your ego) and are ready to listen and work with him to solve any issues,sexual or otherwise.
That is it,hope that helps. And whenever a man is brave enough to lay himself bare and talk about difficult subjects-stop.look at him and LISTEN!

Karen,we don’t know for sure,because she did not let him talk. Assuming he was telling the truth about how great she is-he sounded quite adamant and emotional,it is not unreasonable to assume it could be about his sexual performance. But,we/she don’t/do not know for sure.
If she regrets her actions,she can go talk to him. Maybe he will still break it off for reasons we know nothing about. But I would bet the sex has lots to do with it. If he is “just not that into her,in general”-then she can find out and move on. And Lisa-if a guy breaks up,it does not mean there is anything wrong with you-you just are not a match for him.

Lisa, “not into me” is the new dummified way to describe many things. You know there is “good” and “bad”, and this is BAD or this is GOOD, so those type of labels exist and float around.

“He was not into you” in his case means he does not feel in love (perhaps). Have you not been in this situation? when you met someone awesome who checks off every single box but you don’t feel it? and maybe feel it for someone who is wrong for you? LOL

In any case, I can bet a large sum of money that he will be back. LOL If you “give him space” (haha) to realize what has just happened.

No doubt he was feeling quite awful about his ED, trying and trying, and then going home and feelingh like crap about it. So he tired to feel this way. LOL

Give him time, let him rest, he is in mid mid 50s, it is very hard for men this age to find a much younger woman (and you are a much younger woman) who would also like them! Once he realizes that he’d be back. I doubt he’d be able to make a graceful come back, his communications skills are that of a teenager, but he will try. Stay no contact with him (do not poke or click anything on social media), be completely gone, and he’d be back.

But in the meantime you need to think if this is what you want for yourself. Granted it is very hard to find a man your own age in your mid 40s but it is still possible. I think you should try. LOL. Mind you they could still have an ED. LOL I see so many guys at work in their late 30s and early 40s being so unwell, unhealthy, losing gall bladders, kidney stones, arthritis, etc etc. ED is part of a person’s general health, and these days people eat synthetic crap, pump chemicals into their body and as a result everyone is sick with something by the time they are 35. So perhaps we should treat EDs as the new norm ladies? LOL. And sing with joy when it is not there.. LOL. Sorry I digressed. :-)

@Raven,

“You didn’t let him speak or be heard…”

Yes. I realize this. I regret it.

“Are you always this way”?

No, actually I’m not. It wasn’t a great day to begin with for me, for other reasons. And when he started the conversation the way he did, it led to me to believe it was a b/u. I was angry because it was so out of left field.

As far has having understanding and empathy for the ED issue, I feel I did have that throughout our r/s. I was very understanding. Never made him feel less in any way. Like I said before, I accepted him as is. I never brought up the subject. I figured if/when he wanted to discuss it, he would bring it up.

I know that the times we were intimate, afterwards, he would get quiet and I could tell he felt bad.

I remember, about a week before this conversation, he had said something about how when he was younger he had issues PE. I thought this may be a good opportunity to talk about our sex life. So, I said that from what I understand, it happens sometimes in younger men. Then I said, you don’t have that anymore. I was about to say something else to reassure him that sometimes sexual issue happen for whatever reason. I wanted to tell him that I don’t care. It’s not a deal breaker for me. But, he changed the subject. And, I never had the chance to say those things.

Maybe he equated his inability to stay erect to not feeling it for me. Not having chemistry. Maybe he just got tired of feeling bad afterwards. Maybe it’s both. Or none.

By the way, I did reach out to him. This was awhile ago. About a month after we broke up. I just wanted to meet and have a conversation. I said, I’m sorry I flew of the handle and I feel like I didn’t really let you speak, I just cut you off. I asked him if that was an accurate statement. He said, yes. Then he said, “it’s understandable, you were upset”. I said I would like to meet and talk. He said, there’s really nothing to talk about. But, if I really want to meet, we can meet next week. I said, look, I don’t want to push you. It doesn’t sound like you really want to meet. So, let’s just leave it at this for now. If you ever want to talk let me know. I’m leaving the ball in your court.

We belong to the same organization, so we run into each other often. We say hello. We chit chat, exchange pleasantries and such. Sometimes, it seems like he tries to get my attention. Last week, he said, come here, give me a hug. It’s hard (no pun intended), I miss him.

Do you think he’ll have these ED issues with other women? He had no problem getting aroused by me. As long as the clothes stayed on, no problem.

@alia

He does have issues with his mom. There is definitely quite a bit of contention there. And he’s been through a couple of divorces. One of them was because she cheated on him.

Also,it seems you have a way of putting words,explanations in his mouth,a guy’s mouth. You told him he did not have E.D. anymore?That is a shutdown,assumption right there! Going forward with any man,sex issues or not-you need to LISTEN!

Jan-no one knows why he broke up. Because she did not really give him a chance to speak his truth. But his E.D. is NOT an unreasonable explanation. I don’t know how old you are or if you have ever dealt with this but as a person who has, it seems the most likely reason. Anyway,you are right that Lisa needs to just MOA.