Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Did he lose interest or Was he playing me from the start??
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Vini.
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Vini
I met my bf in a dating site. we did not chat much but i met though in a spur of moment. After some lovey dovey dates..he said I Love u and i told the same after a day. I thought he was sincere but i realised he is still on dating site. Since it is in the beginning of relation i ignored. But after 3 -4 months and still telling me ‘I love u'(NOT AS FREQUENTLY AS BEFORE) his profile says he is still single and actively looking for dates. Whats going on? I fought with him a lot regarding the way he is avoiding contact with me in the name of LONG OFFICE HOURS(UNUSUAL),no calls, no texts, no emotional connection. From last 4-5 weeks we only met ONCE because of his BUSINESS TRIPS. I asked him if he is trying to break up with me, he says NO. I ask him to chat and share things with me like BEFORE..he gets defensive and doesnt even share what happens in his BUSINESS TRIPS. SOMETHING IS WRONG. But when i say I Love him and i want him to commit to me, he says OK. I ask him “Am i the only girl in ur life right now” he says YES.WHY DO U DOUBT LIKE THAT. But ALL signs in his behavior from last 1 month says he is HAVING AN AFFAIR..HE IS NOT AT ALL TALKING TO ME. NO SHARING.
Now he returned from a fresh trip.I asked him to share PICS. HE DENIES. I ASK HIM TO SKYPE. HE NEVER SHOWS INTEREST. But he wants to meet me this saturday. Have I been his booty call from the beginning?? WAS HE USING ME FOR SEX AND TIMEPASS?He still does not contact me. He disappears and says BUSY for days together. Everyday when i call him either in office or after office he cuts the call and next day when i ask he simply says”I fell asleep”. He is active on dating site (atleast 2 days once), active on viber, active on skype.
Shall I ask him to take me for a date and outing to see how willing is he to spend this saturday with me so that i can break it off peacefully? ITS BEEN A TORTURE FOR A MONTH. I loved him really and trusted him dearly before i noticed sudden behavior changes. HELP ME SAVE ME LIFE.
Lane
Sweetie you’re coming off way too serious, insecure, needy and harsh here! You’re taking dating way too seriously by constantly obsessing, over analyzing his every move and word which is sending off way too many NEGATIVE VIBES to the point he wants to avoid you!
You need to CHILL OUT and stop being so “in your face” all the time. If you can’t be fun, cool, calm or rational then you will chase men away. Guy’s hate being in such SERIOUS and HEAVY relationships. Just because their dating you doesn’t mean they have to GIVE UP their life! You have turned this man into the center of your world and its burning him out! If your not confident, independent and have a fun filled life doing things without him then you’re not going to have long lasting quality relationships.
You need to step back and really evaluate how you come off, interact and make it so difficult for men to want to be with you. Trust is something that’s earned over a period of time, however if your constantly under the mindset that all men are not trustworthy then you’re setting up every relationship for failure. He’s feeling the weight of all your insecurities and it suffocating him.
talllady
Sweetie, you are clearly overwrought and acting that way.
With that said, I am not in agreement with other posters that you are to blame here. What you are to blame for was that you are not looking at his actions and reading them for what they are. They are a blow off. He is not acting like your boyfriend, he is not acting like someone who cares, so you acting all needy about it, is not going to make the situation better.
Stop talking and start doing. Break up with him. He is not responsible for your emotional state and outbursts, you are. It is a major sign of incompatibility when you cannot manage how you feel around someone.
Here is what you can say to him
XYZ,It has been great going to know each other the last 5 months. I am looking for a committed and growing relationship. I want a boyfriend – someone I see regularly and am a priority for. This relationship does not seem to be that. So, I am going to say goodbye. I wish you the best.
IF he begs for forgiveness, then think about it, but most likely, he will just say – “You are right, best to you as well”.
Phoebe (the “original” one..lol)
Talllady, that has Evan Marc Katz written all over it, as far as what you said to tell him. :-)
In fact, I copied and pasted it to myself in an email to possibly use myself very soon. ;-)
Lane, as usual, good points in your post as well. :-)
Goood luck, Vini. These are two very wise women….listen to what they said, take the pieces you need, and follow their advice. You’ll feel a lot better. xoxoxo
Vini
Thank you for your views.
Why does a girl who feels the need to communicate with her guy called needy when the same kind of behavior for a guy is almost acceptable as a sign of HIS INTEREST TOWARDS HER? Love is a feeling and no human feels like living alone.Every person feels the need to be with someone special. I ask you what is so wrong about it when the same COMMUNICATION is the Basis for a good relationship.
A guy who was so available, kind, who proposed love first and was reachable suddenly says he is so busy.No one except one, who answered my question mentioned about his irrational behavior to be a sign of infidelity or lack of decency. YES HE HAS A LIFE BUT HIS LIFE INCLUDES ‘ME’ AS SOON AS HE PROMISES ME A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Where did his commitment go when he is on business trip. where did his love go when he was busy chatting(or even meeting) with strange ladies from a dating site when he can USE SAME ENERGY TO IMPROVE OUR RELATION. A BIRD IN HAND IS WORTH MORE. Why are there a lot of excuses and white lies from a man who sounded so open in the start?
Don’t be so biased girls. After all you are also girls and if you are decent enough you know the pain in getting betrayed and ignored by an a****e who just ACTED like a gentleman to get into someones pants.
Lane
I’m sorry you don’t feel like you received the advice you wanted, but we can only base our assessment on how one writes (tone) and express themselves in order to determine what may be causing their issues. If you can’t see your own failures, issues or mistakes in order to correct them, then you will continue to repeat these same relationship killer patterns.
Men date and commit much differently than we do. Women over fantasize about what a relationship should look and feel like, but for a guy all it means is he’s only going to take THIS LADY out for more test drives to see how she acts. The initial dating phase (aka honeymoon) is nothing but a dog and pony show where both parties on their best behavior. He may have developed strong feelings during this phase, whereas dropping the love bomb is usually a sign their really into you, BUT guys still remain on the fence and when you started fighting with him so much he lost that loving feeling—men HATE fighting and arguing with their ladies.
I absolutely believe, based on your words alone (I’m sure he has a different perspective) is that you became far too intense and he PULLED BACK to get away from all the constant demands you were placing on him such as “But when i say I Love him and i want him to commit to me, he says OK. I ask him “Am i the only girl in ur life right now” he says YES.WHY DO U DOUBT LIKE THAT…” Sorry, but this is WAY TOO HEAVY and if a guy did this to me I would BOLT.
I believe you so desperately want to feel loved and be in a relationship that you’re fighting with everything you have to hold onto this guy. He’s feeling the pressure and acting the way he is mostly likely because of how YOUR acting—for every action there’s an opposite reaction. When he started to pull away you pushed, he pulled away further you pushed harder. Now if you had done the OPPOSITE when he pulled away which is a natural thing for guys to do, then you should have pulled away too, whereas he probably would have sprang back which is when you should have sprang back too…get the idea?
I’m not saying he’s an angel, but one must perform surgery on themselves in order to find out the root cause as to what role they played in it. Trust me, I had to do this on myself when I left a 20+ year marriage. It was hard work but I had fix MY ISSUES so I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes in the next one. I’m not trying to be hard on you, I’m trying to get you to SEE where you’re going wrong so you can find the loving and healthy relationship you seek.
Lane
As a side note: You have ZERO CONTROL over another’s thoughts and actions, you only have CONTROL OVER YOURS. You need to really try to give up the “control mentality” and allow things to flow naturally. If you don’t like how their behaving, then only YOU can change it by finding someone who’s more in-line with yours.
Stacey
Lane I really like what you’ve said here! I lost my ex because I too pushed when he was pulling away. I kept trying to argue and discuss to death while he was pulling away instead of just pulling away too.
Vini – life is too short to be spending it upset and fighting with this guy to be treated right. My new motto is going to be that I am outta here when a guy is going to give me the urge to argue and discuss in order to be treated good. I’m not going to bother with the fighting anymore since it only upsets ME and does no good for the relationship.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar boat. Good luck!
tallady
Along similar lines – the reality is that – you can’t make him responsible to what comes out of his mouth. You can only observe if he is accountable to what comes out of his mouth – words and actions must match. In this case, there are a lot of words, and the actions have stopped. Always believe the worse of the two.
I actually doubt very much he would have sprung back to be honest, so beating yourself up is not helpful. But, I doubt you would feel so bad about what has gone down because you would be in more control of your emotions.
This is exactly why I do not contact my LDR ex. Because in the end, he did not live up to the shit that came out of his mouth. Fortunately, it was for a very short time – he did not drag me around, but he showed me who he is. Someone who does not live up or feel responsible for what he says or does. I can’t be with someone like that, and I won’t chase it. He wanted to end it, I believed him and did not chase. I will find someone else. You are chasing.
That does not mean that what he is doing is great (it is really crappy actually), but you are choosing not to read what he is doing, and you are pushing him because you think you can change it. But, it is having the opposite affect. When you ask a man who is not showing up to commit more and to tell you they love you etc, they are not going to do it because they already deemed it ok, not to do it. If you had made a request – like – Hey, I am feeling disconnected when we don’t speak, do you think you can check in every now and then? I love to hear your voice. Do you think that would get a better response – especially if he actually is working….
I am sorry you are frustrated, and you have every right to be. But a few things to consider:
A. You are responsible for your emotional state
B. Nothing is guaranteed – safety is a myth
C. He does not owe you anything. All relationships end – some sooner, some longer
D. Some communication strategies are better than others. Has the one you are using been helpful or a hindrance?
E. The only think you can do is either accept the behavior or reject it by ending itPlease end it.
Vini
I would like to thank all of you for your beautiful thoughts.. :)
I really appreciate Lane for her honest, genuine advice for me. You are quite right that i am blinded with my arrogance or ignorance about myself and my SHORTCOMINGS. I am so emotional and demanding and I am only seeing it in my view. He is wrong when it comes to certain behaviors. But am more wrong when it comes to my behavior towards people around me. I am admitting that i am desperate without being much conscious about it. I am going to correct myself and avoid all the pain i am taking that i or the people around me wont deserve.
I have to be more careful about choosing right people into my life so that i wont torture myself by pushing things like this.Thank you Lane, Tallady,Phoebe, stacey.
LAgirl
What a great thread!!! Amazing and insightful advice ladies !!
Vini, I am so impressed you took the feedback to heart and were open enough to really hear and evaluate things objectively. That can be so difficult, especially when you feel hurt.
You will grow from this and in the end, be such a better person for yourself and meet the man who really wants to adore and be with you. Best wishes!
celesteannv
Amazing ladies!
Late to the party, but Vini.. please read and reread this great advice.
I am not saying this guy is not exhibiting bad behavior, but you cannot change him, how he feels or behaves. All you can change is how you react.
Take back your power and walk away. This will free your energy to find yourself and hopefully someone who will treat you the way you should be.Vini
Thank you LAgirl.. It was hard for me to accept my mistake unless I realized how bad i am being treated by a guy who i thought loved me. Its hard to keep implementing the advice but i am conscious about me now.
Thank you celesteannv. I will keep these advice in mind. -
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