Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Did he start to ghost me?
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Trixie.
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Sinead
Hey,
Any advice would be helpful.
I have been texting this guy for roughly 11 months everyday we will3 hours apart and lockdown has stopped us from being able to travel. We talked while he was at work and when he got home. Roughly 8 to 10 hours a day. From normal things to sexual things such an experiences or bereavement in the family, work, travel and so on. I told him i liked him, he told me i am the ideal girlfriend but he isn’t ready for a relationship, isnt sure how he really feels because we haven’t met, doesn’t want to hurt me and that last year he came out of a 5 year one.
However I noticed over the past month or so he was alot more distracted, hardly texted me or was just kinda off with me. I would ask him what was wrong and if maybe he wanted to just text less and he would say no it had nothing to do with me, he just isn’t himself. So I took his word for it. So I tried to support him and be there (his parents anniversary, work stress) and he seemed to be half way back to how he was before.
Two weeks ago he went out to his Christmas party at work and told me how great it was and how females kept buying him drinks. I just laughed it off and tried to play it cool. Since then he is been off again, hardly spoke to me, been off and starting fights over nothing. Again I asked him did he meet someone he liked or does he not want to talk, again he said no he didn’t and yes he still wants to talk.
Then all of sudden he wouldn’t text me and would tell me his WiFi wasn’t working, he fell asleep, he was sick, work pressure was getting to him. I didn’t want to call him out or accuse him of being a lying so I didn’t say anything.
Now he messaged me the end of last week saying he was really sick, thinks he has covid, tested positive isn’t at work and so on. I told him he should focus on himself and get better. Then he texted saying yeah he has to, then texted saying he feels like he should cool it because he is sick. I responded telling him I understand and will respect his feelings. Then he said no he doesnt feel that way but he is so sick he doesn’t think its right because he can’t give me attention. I replied it isn’t about attention, that he is sick just get better. He accepted the reply.
However two days ago he said he needs to be offline to get better and I said I understood and haven’t heard from him since then.
Question is, am I being ghosted? How long do I wait before I know he ghosted me?
He said he has been sick for around 7-9 days.
Am I being ghosted or am I overthinking it? I don’t know.
How long should I wait to text him ? Or should I wait for him to text me?Thank you
Maddie
Covid can easily have a long recovery time.
But you’ve never met and this isn’t going anywhere while he says he doesn’t want a relationship. You have been overinvesting for what it is. Where are you hoping this goes? 11 months is a long time for more of the same, why would you think something would change on his end when he likes this on his terms and hasn’t moved to progress things in any way? Is this setup really what you’re looking for?
I don’t know if he’s ghosting you or not, but either way you should be keeping your options open instead of cutting yourself off to others who may be more emotionally and geographically available than him, as well as focusing on doing your own things that make you happy. 8-10 hours a day is enormous for a pen pal situation with someone you haven’t even met, and even for an established relationship. Believe him when he says he’s not looking for a relationship, don’t lead yourself on.
Sinead
Thank you for the advice. And getting advice from someone who is outside of the situation really helps.
I have told him before that if he truly feels that way, we should end it. Everytime I say this he will say no he doesn’t want to end it. So then that confuses me.
However I agree with what you say and I have been living in a bit of a bubble I guess.
He still hasn’t reached out and he was online for a few moments.
Liz Lemon
I agree with everything Maddie said. Also, please keep in mind that people contradict themselves all the time– I’m sure he doesn’t want to end it because he enjoys the constant attention. But that doesn’t mean he wants to take it any further, or make it real. I think you’re really overinvested in this, as Maddie said, unless you want nothing but a pen pal for life. If you want something real, this isn’t your guy. 11 months is an enormous amount of time to spend texting without meeting. Have you even had phone calls or video calls?
Sinead
I am started to see that too. He does always say he has never spoken to someone this long before and doesn’t even want to lose me as a friend.
We have voice chatted before. I don’t know, I think I have definitely over invested in this situation.
But even as a penpal or a friend, after 11 months can you really just ghost someone and not talk to them again?
I guess I can’t get my head around the idea, that someone could do that after 11 months of friendship if anything.Liz Lemon
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks. Unfortunately you can’t underestimate people, in my experience. Especially in virtual friendships that aren’t based in in-person interaction. He may have started chatting with someone else, you just don’t know.
The problem with these kinds of interactions (virtual/texting, not in person) is that you don’t really know the person- not really. People present the best side of themselves, or even a false/ideal sense of themselves. It’s very easy to curate an image of yourself when you’re only texting someone. You’re not even having real-time interactions, like during a video conversation– which is at least something more honest and spontaneous. Texting is very controlled. And it’s the least intimate way to communicate.
So sadly you don’t really know this guy. He may be totally capable of dropping a friend after 11 months of daily texts.
Anyway the fact that this guy can’t seem to move beyond texting is a sign he’s most likely not really emotionally available. So it’s probably best for you to cut off contact and seek out local/in-person interactions.
tammy
no personal meeting!! so how can you end something when you guys don’t even meet in person? think about it. your living in just a virtual world and not the real world. cut your losses and move on. this wasn’t even real. just a fantasy based on virtual interactions.. take this as a lesson and next time do not get into lengthy intimate/romantic virtual relationships. insist on personal meetings soon after meeting online and do your research about the man through social media platforms. if you don’t find much about him, move ahead with caution. that’s what i follow.
Trixie
Sinead,
Sadly you have invested in a penpal. I would block him because he is not and was not ever interested in you as a potential girlfriend becausehe is not in that place in life. Begin reading the articles to understand “actions” of men who are interested in you as a potential girlfriend.
Also, as someone in a long distance relationship for 2 years, would limit distance to one hour apart.
I hope this helps.
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