Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Did I caused this break up?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Vicky.
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Vicky
I’ve dated this guy for about 2 months now. His pretty busy with work and uni so we could only see each other every 2 weeks. I was ok with that since I am pretty busy myself, but about 2 weeks ago we got into a small fight.
He wanted to cancelled our date the night before and the reason was he need time to do some uni work. I said ok that’s fine, but then got pretty upset after thinking about it. We hardly meet up and now he choose the only night we could do do his work. I told him I was upset, he apologised but then turn around and said he is also upset that I was the one that said ok first but now upset. We both got angry and stop talking to each other for 3 days. I gave in and msged him but he ended up ignoring me for a whole day. When we finally talked, he said he was still upset. I tried to work things out and eventually he said he doesn’t even know why he is still annoy over something so small. I thought things were good again, but he didn’t text me much after that. Then few days later he stop replying, I waited 2 days and he finally text again.
He said that he needed time to think and he realised that he is not ready for a relationship, that the fight we had made him upset and think that things will get worse in the near future. He said I’m a great girl but his just not ready and don’t want to hold me back from potential relationship. He said he did like me and always enjoy talking to me everyday, but he sorry he wanted my time.
Now I’m left feeling really hurt and confuse. Is he really not ready for a relationship or is it me who drive him away because I caused that fight. I feel regret and can’t stop blaming myself. I wish if he really no longer interested in me, he could just tell me straight up.
Erin
Wow, who knew such a small fight would trigger the end of a whole relationship. In a typical setting this misunderstanding would never be a declaration of war, and it would be solved without the long, drawn out drama it became.
Listen, your relationship already had problems which you might not have been aware of, i.e your guy wasn’t invested as you thought and he saw this fight to be an opportunity to bail out.
The long and short of it is, it’s not your fault. Your guy just didn’t want a relationship, maybe he is overwhelmed by work and school or it’s something else entirely.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but this is not on you, you don’t deserve to carry the blame around for something you didn’t cause or do. And he is jerk for trying to lay it on you when he had damn well checked out of the relationship way back.
Sophia
If one very small argument, which he even acknowledges as being minor, made him bolt from the relationship I’d believe him that he’s not ready for one.
People ready for the commitment of a relationship will talk through the problem to move forward together. His mindset is things will only get worse.
You did nothing wrong nor did you cause this. This guy is only going to date someone when all is well. The second there’s a minor upset he’s going to bolt on them too.
tammy
no i don’t think the relationship ended bec of the fight. but yes it was a trigger point to get him thinking that he probably does not have enough time on his hands to invest in a relation at this point in life. a relationship is way down his priority list presently. guess he realized its not fair to you since this may keep happening in the future. let go and move on. easier said than done but …
Lane
I disagree, in part. I don’t think its fair to tell him “yes, its OK” then after some time thinking about it, turn around, and get upset with him. The fact he pointed that out “you said it was OK….” clearly shows what was really bothering him. It would piss me off too, to be honest.
What you did is called passive-aggressive behavior. When you passively said “yes, its OK”; then aggressively said “no, its not OK…”—is not how you solve problems or win wars, especially via TEXT but it will most surely get you dumped!!!
Texting is the TOP reason for breakups today because humans have lost the ability to properly “communicate” with another. Communication requires the Verbal (tone, inflection) and Non-verbal (body language) in order to determine the state of mind of the person you are communicating with. The fact is, if you had called him you would have concluded, by his tone that he was most likely in a high stress state, overwhelmed, tired, fill in the blank. Having this information would most likely have deterred you from getting angry, and instead, tried to find a workable solution, such as a better day, as he wouldn’t have been fun to be with anyway, where his mind would be on his homework, and not being with you.
This is a learning lesson for you going forward. First, don’t date men who are too busy, overtaxed, or place a relationship at a very low priority, as you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. Second, don’t say “yes” then get angry and say “no” as that’s passive-aggressive. When someone can’t trust what you say, the first time, its going to create issues like this. Lastly, don’t solely blame yourself for a relationship’s failure, as it takes two to put their best foot forward to make it work. His feet were dragging way behind yours, so the death of this relationship was inevitable. Best to end it early than keep dragging it out just to be miserable, and unhappy.
If the Honeymoon stage doesn’t last a good couple years or more, you’re with the wrong guy!
Vicky
Thank you everyone for your comments. It has clear a few things up for me and I am trying not to blame myself anymore. It’s been really hard though, still wish I never started that fight. But I have learnt a lot from this, and definitely will not make the same mistake in future relationship.
I still feel quite down though, not sure why it’s affecting me so much when it’s only been 2 months. Part of me still wonder whether he’ll come back if his life become less busy. I know I shouldn’t hold on, but still hard to let go. I just hope in time I’ll be able to forget him.
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