Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Did i make the right choice in leaving her
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
redcurleysue.
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ken
I dumped her [29M] and I’m not sure if i made the right decision [25F]
Met a female almost two months ago. She’s very much perfect to me. I initially wanted just a friend but, i got interested in her rather quickly. After realizing i liked her i asked her out and from there i caught feelings. I expressed her to how much i liked her often. She treated me very well and just a sweet person all around.
The problem was even though she’s younger we are at very different life stages. I have my associates in engineering. And i have a an entry level job engineering but she had two jobs and she did school part time. She worked at a local store and a warehouse working about 70 hours a week. She had her on small apartment and nice car. I went over her house a few times and she had nice things… things that i didn’t have or things i had but hers were bigger and better.
Her laptop was bigger and fancier than mine… she had clothes and shoes galore. Her front room and bedroom was well decorated. She made me feel comfortable when i came over even letting me go in her fridge and get any and everything i wanted.
I stay with my parents i don’t make enough to move properly right now. I have a 2 year old. And I’m unable to spoil her the way she deserves to be spoiled.
I started getting insecure about us being together long term and ended it
TL:DR; not sure why i really ended it other than i felt like she’s had the whole word in her palms and she was settling for me
Raven
Sounds like she has worked very hard for the (nice) things she has…
What is stopping you from working as hard as she?
Maddie
I think you made the right decision because if you’re putting that sort of pressure on yourself without even asking her what she wants in a relationship and a partner, you’re going to act accordingly and make both of you miserable. She may have liked you and thought you provide more value than financial support (especially if she can support herself) and may define what she wants through a different lens than professional success. That’s potentially a difference in values and perhaps an incompatibility anyway. Maybe it even reflects a difference in how you each choose to spend your money, which also can cause long-term compatibility issues (she has more expensive tastes, you’re trying to support your child). But there’s not enough information here about if you’re compatible financially, so I believe the main issue is yours.
If your insecurity drives you to make assumptions and end relationships before they start (whether it’s because you deep down believe you don’t have enough to offer besides money or for other reasons), you may want to work on your self-esteem before seriously dating again to avoid this issue in the future. If you’re meeting women who are perfect for you and that makes you insecure, you’re projecting and will sabotage, so it’s your issue to confront. Feeling better about yourself independent of the women you date will help you find a situation that feels more right to you, and will lead you to naturally give them all they deserve too (even if it’s not measured in material things). It’s a win-win.
Lane
Are you wanting those nice things, or are you a minimalist?
I had all those ‘nice things’ in my marriage, and it doesn’t make you happy because you have to work your arse off to buy, keep, and maintain a Jones’ lifestyle. Eventually it takes a toll on the relationship/marriage, because instead of spending tie together, you’re spending all your time working to the point you begin to grow apart because you’re, too tired, over taxed, and/or stressed, to do anything else.
I’ve come to learn that all those ‘nice things’ don’t matter. Its truly about spending quality time, and making positive memories together. My current partner, and I, have learned this. At our ages we can afford to buy nice stuff, due to our incomes but we prefer to spend our time doing things together, such as traveling, golfing, spending time with family/friends, and DIY projects because we adopted a ‘rustic theme’ so our older furniture fits the house lol.
Its possible you could be incompatible long term? She may be really sweet but she may also be the type who puts a lot of importance on ‘things’ which is OK if that makes her happy but would that lifestyle make you happy? Just know you will need to work your arse off to support that lifestyle, hence why I asked how important it is to you because if your a minimalist, budget conscious (not a big spender), or don’t want to kill yourself climbing the ladder, then you should seek someone who’s just as sweet but also in line with your lifestyle or a lot of arguments, resentment, or other types of feelings will eventually seep in if you’re incompatible in such a major area.
mama
I think you made the right choice and it has nothing to do with her. Do some work on yourself — evaluate your values, establish some goals to better your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself, and get started on making it happen. Get a mentor for some of this. I think you might benefit from a few chats with a therapist or doing a little deep reading to understand you are worthy just as you are, not because of all the “stuff” that you may or may not have. You can lose all that in a second.
Honestly, we don’t know — would you take your jealousy out on her? Maybe. Would you continue to feel inadequate? Don’t know. And honestly we don’t know if she wanted a relationship with you or was just having fun.
In order to be part of a great relationship you need to continue to strive towards being the best version of yourself. You owe that to another person but most of all to yourself. So do some work on yourself — internally, externally. When you get to a point where you understand and value your self worth, then it’s probably a good time to start dating again.
redcurleysue
She is a hard worker and will delay gratification – unless she has rich parents who bestow these things on her. She sounds like a go getter. She will expect the same out of the person she chooses. She may also be in debt up to her neck. Figure out who she is and see if you are the same way – if you are not then you may not make a good match with her. Watch her and yourself.
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