Did I overreact?

The only way to stop him of this behavior is to leave stating that your expectations are not being met.

I had to chime in here because I’ve experienced this. Some people will tell you it’s an overreaction. That men and women will look at other people (which is true). What these people don’t realize is that this dynamic can turn into a power play for insecure men.

My man pulled some of this BS early in our relationship. Not on social media, but checking out other women and commenting on them to me. I called him on his disrespectful behavior. When I did, the response was surprising; insecurities about losing me and “protecting himself” came out. We talked it through and our relationship is going strong.

Sure, we’re not dead and we notice other attractive people. But when it’s to this extent, there may be an underlying problem. Some men pull this to mask their insecurities and project them onto the woman, keeping themselves in the driver’s seat of the relationship.

Are you prepared to walk away and leave him for good if it doesn’t stop?

I’m surprised he’s 33. I would expect more from a 20 year old man, but from a man in his 30s… well, as anonymous pointed out, there is probably more going on here. If you are going to give him another chance, try to remain calm and speak about respect (as you did already), not about hurt feelings. If you get emotional and upset, that is reinforcing his behavior, because you’re giving him a reaction and demonstrating how important he is to you. Does that make sense?

i feel for u sis… my ex used to do similar things on instagram… he’s following girls with gigantic boobs and even porn stars =.=””” for him it is genuinely just a habit, he’s interested in that and didn’t and would probably never change…

so one day I just sat him down for the “disrespect” talk, knowing that he cared a shit loads about how other people sees him (always wanna put on a show to be a gentleman etc), i informed him that all his following activities are public to whoever thats connected to him on instagram… so he realized most of his friends know he’s recently followed a porn star etc…

then i asked if he would mind all our common friends seeing me following and liking guys with huge muscles and “huge package”… then he kinda got it… but anyway, even I managed to nicely ask him to compromise on his behavior, deep down in his core he didn’t change, and hence, he’s an ex now~

I know how annoying that can be really… but let’s also explore his side of argument, about the insecurity feeling.

When my ex used the same line against me back then “its rooted in ur own insecurity and that u r only trying to change me”, i thought it was utter bs… but now that I can finally think with a clearer head, there might be some truth in it…

the insecurity might not be obvious like “oh, i dun think i am pretty” hence i was not happy that he compliments another girl… it was more complex like “does it mean i am not enough to satisfy all his desires? that he had to pleasure his eyes elsewhere??” then that’s a punch in my ego which led to my feeling of disrespected. I felt my worth suddenly depreciated and I am sharing his desire with the porn stars…

thinking about it now, I probably way underestimated my worth and attraction and what i meant to my ex. there will always be prettier girls out there but what i didnt see was, he chose me as his partner, he probably saw more in me than just my appearance. Or even if he really was with me for how I look only, we should never forget the unique qualities we possess and have to offer, may it be your cool, your humor or your smartness. those are the things that make you awesome and make you YOU, those are the things that give your reason and power to have options, option to walk when feel not respected.

my current bf also appreciate pretty girls, he knows i notice him checking out hot babes too but the dynamic is different this time. I don’t see his act as disrespecting to me at all as I know I am someone very special to him and he appreciates me in many other ways beyond just my appearance. I know what I have to offer and I don’t feel the need to compete with all the hot girls he checked out for his attention and desires becoz i am not even in the same basket in his eyes.

of coz he doesn’t do that in a too dodgy / outrageous way that come across as creepy, and sometimes i would even join him for the checking and commenting. but my point is, knowing who you are and what you have to offer without much doubt work great as an antidote towards situations like that… whether or not your guy ends up changing, if you have a secured sense of self,it defo makes ur partner’s bahaviour less disturbing or offensive…

Many guys check out a lot of girls pornstars etc on fb but are perfectly capable of distingish that from a real flesh and blood girl they are into. That doesn’t bother me at all. What would bother me if the fact thst he comments on girls when he is with you. That would be a dealbreaker for me and is considered a huge red flag on this site

If he did something like that on social media and criticized you when you raised your concern, he did not care about your feelings at all. That’s not a man who loves you would do (As he said he loved you). However looking at other girls is nature of man, I would overlook this one.

If I were you, I would accept what he said that things might not work out between us and really re-evaluate his potential to meet my expectation. That is, at this point, he is not qualified as a boyfriend.

Acck…trying to multitask. Wish there was an “edit” button!

Meant: “SOMETIMES someone needs a taste of their own medicine to know how bad it really tastes.”

Meant: “When one feels like they have to give things up just to PLEASE someone else, it will never work long-term…”

Sherri, this is where I think I disagree for the first time.

Men are ‘visual creatures’ and bodies are one (of many) a man can’t help to look at. I’m pretty sure sure you’ve thought to yourself “wow, he’s a hunk” when you were dating, in a relationship or married to someone, but had no care to actually meet or date him. Just because men are more ‘expressive about it means diddly. So its OK for him to say it in his head (think it), but never utter it? What’s the difference if the end result is the same?

As long as he’s just looking and not touching then there shouldn’t be a problem. What you don’t think guys who don’t make public comments or say it out loud near their SO’s haven’t ever cheated or left them for another? Its a fallacy (mistaken belief) to assume men aren’t looking even if they don’t appear to be looking.

It has more to do with her own insecurities that it does about his comments. If she thinks she would feel more secure with a guy who doesn’t make comments or look when in her presence, then she’s deluding herself because that man can just as easily be secretly looking and she will not be any safer with him than one who does.

Firstly, this is a matter of what you can accept or not accept. Some people are more flirty than others. Some people are ok with that, some are not.

However, I disagree with other posters on here from the point of view of:

I totally understand that people look, but this is a matter of degree. I simply could not be with someone who is obviously looking, because it would feel like they were, well, obviously “looking”.

I do believe there is some wiggle room here, looks here and there are totally normal. So is the occasional comment on a really beautiful or handsome person.

I do not believe this is about her insecurity – Boyfriends do not act like they are out there obviously looking for other people. This comes down to body language etc. We can all tell someone who is on the hunt and others who are not. Boyfriends act like boyfriends, and this one is not.

This man is behaving on the hunt. Commenting on instragram bikini photos of a stranger? Yuck!

I do believe there is always room to work on your self esteem and communication tools, but this does not sound like that. With that said, I just think you are not a good fit. And asking him to change is going to make you both feel icky.

Without reading any of the other responses my reaction to the OP is this one.

I do think you need to relax a little, as well as he needs to tone it down a bit. Getting mad at your bf for ‘liking’ a pic, can be as overdramatic about going in a huff about him fancying a celebrity – its silly, a waste of energy and he’s never going to get her anyway. He does need to be respectful of you, but its ok to find other people attractive so long as he is loyal and true to you – is he ? Does he make you happy? Are you secure in your relationship and trust him? If the answer is no, you’re probably with the wrong guy, or might need to work on your own security before you can be with someone.

Do you think he would be bothered if you liked another guy’s pics / commented if you thought someone was attractive?

You all know I am the first one to get on the “you need to own your own reaction” train, in fact, I built that train. But, I want my women only dating classy men. This one does not seem that way….