Did I overreact?

Oh I am not talking about the not looking part but more like even after she told him, he wouldn’t stop kind of part. And the going around FB and searching for women photos. Its fine I think if someone is passing by and he looks or even checking out the women in dancing with the stars or something . But actually going on social media and seeking them out is very immature I think. And that’s why I said not a permanent guy. Once he “grows up” may be then time to reassess but as long as he is this immature, he is not ready to be in a relationship maturity wise.

I have no problem with looking, we are all human, again, it is a level or maturity that I like to see. Maybe that is just me.

I do not know high powered professional men who do that (except a hole bankers – also yuck), sorry, I don’t. They may be looking, but they are not liking. They would not want that type of internet footprint. And the ones with girlfriends want their girlfriends to feel safe in the relationship. Sly glances, not outright scoping.

This might be a preference for me, and I own my own response, but I would probably not even get to this point in a relationship with a man like this. I simply like more laid back, mature men. And i know they all look.

In fact, I look at porn with the men I am dating. But, that is not actively being out there acting single. Acting single – not just a passing glance at a pretty women, it is an open body language that communicates, I am available. Looking at internet and liking complete strangers (not professional models, but still) bikini picks.

Completely agree with you Lane.

I know my guy follows hot girls on Instagram. So I don’t think he actively searches for them, but merely likes a picture when they pop up on his feed…. but as do I. Say if a really hot guy pops up on my Instagram feed, I will have no problem liking it or even tagging a girlfriend of mine on it so she can see him too. Maybe I’m being naïve, but I don’t really see the issue.

I almost feel that if I got upset about him liking that stuff and voiced my concern, he would think I was insecure. And the reverse is true as well: if he brought up that it’s disrespectful of me to like popular hot guy pics on Instagram, I would almost think he’s joking.

Have there been other issues in which he’s been dismissive towards your concerns? You both haven’t been dating very long, so maybe this could lead to other problems in the relationship. But in my opinion, I don’t think a few likes here and there is a big deal. (but that’s just me)

We’ll never be able to fully get away from social media… but I guess it’s smart to pick your battles.

Your guy follows them, does he comment?

Again, not the following, the commenting.

I agree with you Lane that’s what I was thinking but couldn’t put it into words as well as you did.. it’s like every man is going to look, whether it’s public knowledge like social media or not & have those thoughts either outloud or in their head & if women bother men over little things that are natural in the first place, the women act like a pain in the butt & “work” not fun to be around so the guys don’t have an incentive to appreciate a woman if she acts like all the other women out there who aren’t just confident in themselves & their relationship it’s like women like that are a dime a dozen nowadays & a man will really appreciate a woman who is above the nonsense she’ll be special & different to the man

And to add, no you did not over-react and instead of feeling insecure, recongnize that you are with a guy that is falling a little short on the respect and maturity level. Ya know marriage ready men just don’t talk like that (at least not the ones who will be faithful.)

Women don’t need to be a doormat so they can be carefree to men in order to be accepted, it’s good for women to have standards and men respect women who have them more than the ones who don’t keep them in check when they are being disrespectful.

I agree but unfortunately too many women get stuck in what’s right instead of how it really is. all the instagram stuff it’s not right to most women if being completely honest it bothers us but they’re going to do it (or think it) regardless so it’s actually a form of strength to just get over that type of stuff & classify it as nonsense. it’s like people kill every day it’s not right but it’s the way it is. when you just accept the reality it’s easier to shrug it off because you could dump a guy for doing that & then the next guy & the next & the next all do that stuff these days. both good catches & guys who aren’t the greatest all do that same instagram stuff I think it’s best to just not take it seriously/personally. I used to feel disrespected & mad about it too & one day I just made myself get over it & stop checking.

Disagree. This guy talks about hot women to his gf and he posts vulgar comments on social media about hot babes. Any woman who tolerates that is going to set herself up for being a doormat cause she didn’t set the standards. Not all men do that stuff! She has every right to talk with him in the way I suggested, not blaming but saying how it makes her feel. Any woman that can’t talk about her feelings about this type of situation won’t be able to sustain a relationship. It bothers this woman and she has a right to address it, that is what a relationship is about. If this guy needs to be with a woman that is ok with him telling her about hot women then they are not a match as she stated she isn’t ok with it. People have a right to get their needs met in relationships, that is what it’s about, communicating, figuring out how to make each other happy, compromising, opening up the conversation at least.

Successful relationships are not made by pretending not to care about behaviors that make one feel uncomfortable, and telling women they need to not care, be free, be carefree so men love them, that isn’t love, that is just giving men a hallpass.

Wow everyone, thanks for your comments and opinions. As always, there are a lot of differing opinions and it’s a lot to take in but I do appreciate all the feedback. I agree that it does have to do with my own insecurity somewhat which I need to work on but I also still see it as a lack of respect. I have tried to understand it and I did ask him why he does it and I just got responses like ‘I dont know’ ‘it’s just a compliment’ or ‘it means nothing’. He explained to me how he came across the social media photo because it wasnt a run of the mill celebrity photo, it was just a normal woman’s photo from her Instagram account. He has since stopped following her on Instagram.

For those of you who asked, He is a great guy in general – sweet, caring, affectionate and we have a lot of fun together. This is the only thing that bothers me, everything else is amazing. He’s included me in his life and I’ve met his family and spent quite a bit of time with them.

It’s such a new relationship that it’s hard to judge if it’s a reflection of other things to come like cheating etc or whether it’s just ‘boys being boys’. I understand what the girls that commented mean about me trying to change him and that maybe he will resent me for it later. I get it and I’m under no misconception that guys perve just as girls do but I don’t understand why he would do it so blatantly and why I shouldn’t mention to him that it bothers me? I’m not asking him to stop looking, it’s just the comments. Why comment on photos of girls and why make comments to me on who he finds attractive? As for fighting fire with fire and me commenting on guys, I’m not that kind of person and I also think he would see right through me and know that I’m just doing it to make a point. I didn’t want to take on the ‘mother’ role but at the same time I thought that raising it as an adult conversation rather than me taking on the demanding, crying female role was a better option. One could argue that I wouldn’t have to take on the ‘mother’ role if he wasn’t acting like such a child ;)

I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet but I’ll see what happens in the coming weeks as to whether I stay with him or not. Thanks girls!

Ivy, I’m just talking about instagram lol girls who monitor social media like they’re the FBI are a turn off. I used to do it & the way it portrays you is negative. We think it’s about respect, they think whoa you’re insecure & jealous about nothing. Not getting bent out of shape about it isn’t being a doormat & I’m not advocating being a “doormat” or not being able to talk to your man about issues lol whoaaa there! it’s just of no USE to a female to point it out. I know from seeing this a million times play out in a million ways the REALITY is that stuff happens allll the time & 99% of the time if you mention it to a guy it’s not going to change. So why bother. I’m just being real. Guys who make it appear they’re sooo into their girls do that stuff all day long. I know because I’m the girl they hit on lol I see it from great guys, sleazeballs, everybody. It’s just reality. A girl can address it all she wants but is he going to change it? Nope. He will just do it behind her back. Unless he himself wants to stop acting like that. So no sense in letting it bother you :) that’s all

Agree with Lisa as its not much different than men who looked at snuff magazines back in my day. My ex husband used to get playboy or penthouse occasionally and never had an issue with it because I’m not a prude where it comes to the human anatomy or sexuality. Just because he bought some snuff magazines didn’t mean he was on the prowl for another lady, its just something guys like to look at where he also bought golf, sports, and othes magazines too—he was just being (HU)MAN.

Does he also like or comment on clad people and other things too like a hot car, an athlete, a favorite show, a funny video? If so, then I wouldn’t be concerned. Now if he spent an extraordinary amount of time doing it, or did it on a regular/daily basis then I would find it to be an ISSUE, not necessarily where I would be concerned he was looking for another lady, but possibly an ADDICTION and that’s a whole other problem that one would need to seek out a professional on in order to fully understand it and decide what to do.

If a guy I was seeing said “she’s cute” I would probably respond with “yup and that man is pretty darn handsome too” (while pointing a finger in his direction). If there wasn’t one around then I would respond with, “yup, but I’m cuter” with a sly smile and a wink. “I’m pretty confident, whereas I just look at as a guy trying to get a rise out of me or seeing how I’ll react to it—I call them on it by giving it right back :-)

Most importantly do what is right for you! If talking to him feels right then talk, if making a joke to get back at him feels right then do that. You can’t be someone you are not and if you aren’t the girl to start talking about hot guys then be the girl you are who talks to him instead. There isn’t a right way to be, you just be yourself and ask yourself what feels right to you.

Sorry, but today men of ALL AGES are on the net surfing and being fed stuff because the access to it is so easy—at home, on the phone, and at work too. Some are more into it than others, but trust me, they are LOOKING and unless he’s blind there’s no way you can stop it, and trying to monitor it is mommy behavior. As long as he’s not acting differently and being his normal self, then you shouldn’t create a problem when there isn’t one.

Sorry Tall, but if a man said that to me I would be thinking WTH?!? Your thinking like a lady, not a man. If it bothers you just be straight with them and say “I get you look and find women attractive, and that’s fine your human, but when with me I would appreciate if you just keep it in your head. Thanx.”