Did I overreact?

Men can look but they don’t need to post comments if they have a significant other. Teaching men it’s ok for them to do that is giving them a hallpass to ASSCLOWN-ville.

Ivy, then good luck finding one today. Not saying they aren’t out there, but I don’t monitor them so I honestly wouldn’t know. I actually find a lot of ‘comments’ to be entertaining myself and don’t put a lot of stock into them. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be some boundaries or manners involved when IN a relationship, but I think defining those boundaries between the species is much harder today due to the ease of access to so much material. I personally don’t engage in all those social media sites, apps or gadgets, nor do I get feeds other than on FB which I really don’t use that much, just more of a ‘check in’ once or twice a week to see what others are doing—but for those who do if it makes them happy, then do what makes you happy! :-)

I simply don’t care to spend my time monitoring a SO. I did it with my kids because they were my legal responsibility, but when it comes to GROWN ADULTS, there’s boundaries there too and its up to each individual to decide that for themselves. Like Lisa said, need to pick your battles or all you’ll have is war.

Ashley — you made a good point as we are of a different generation and having those in your generation providing different perspectives is refreshing and helpful to OPs too. Thanks and keep up the good work :-)

Just Some More Of My Thoughts:

it’s something women might as well accept because if you don’t accept it, you’re just in for a rude awakening. it’s just reality. it’s more of an issue now because there IS social media, years ago the only way you saw your guy checking a girl out or remarking about her looks is if you literally saw/heard him do it. & it’s less likely he would do that in front of you. so this stuff has always been going on now it’s just more “in your face” but it doesn’t have to be if you aren’t monitoring people lol

these problems are only as big as your insecurities are. think about it. comments are not the true problem, insecurity is, because you are just seeing the typed words, some of what they’re thinking.. I mean think about it: what the men are thinking is far more explicit than what they’re typing! so if you’re already insecure in that area, a comment saying a girl is hot is actually far more tame than if you really wanna go there, imagine what dirty thoughts he may be thinking. the entire matter is ONLY as big as your own insecurities.

social media stuff is only a big deal if you let it be. even if you mention it in a rational way the guy is STILL gonna be like what the hell is her problem it’s just a comment on instagram to a woman I don’t even know. he won’t stop doing it. you will look insecure & overdramatic no matter what. the sexes are different guys do not see this in the way in which females do. you will look like someone who has nothing better to do than stare at a smartphone, as if you’re LOOKING for things the man has done wrong. I mean honestly it just SOUNDS absurd. Once again I’ve BEEN THERE, I’ve been that girl who used to feel disrespected of it, & to come out on the other side, I can now see how silly it is quite frankly.

I actually say in public how beautiful other women are. Just because I’m an appreciator of beauty in general. One date I was on I had a beautiful waitress, I told her she was beautiful & after she served us I again enthusiastically remarked how pretty she was. The guy looked like he saw a ghost. He was so shocked that I was the one remarking about a girl. TRUE confidence really makes all the difference. when you are truly confident you can let things roll off your shoulders & be confident in your relationship. if he is cheating in real life, that is a whole different story but for petty things it’s like either get over it or good luck…..

Lane, I barely use social media. And I would rather be single than be with a man that objectified women and behaved like a college student rather than a grown up man. A real man who I’d want to be father of my daughter someday wouldn’t say offensive crap about any woman. A duchebag would.

I agree with talllady. This guy is immature. If you feel uncomfortable with it and he didn’t change after your discussion get out of there. To comment on what of some of the other ladies have touched on.. maybe it’s the feminist in my but I have to say women are NOT art. Men have sexualized women since the beginning of time but it is not right. We are human beings and if this guy wants to sexualize/ogle a women in front of his girlfriend something isn’t right. I can’t jump on the whole “boys will boys” banwagon because it’s hogwash and justifies maltreatment. My father has NEVER done this to my mother because he knows such an act is unacceptable toward the women he loves. He doesn’t comment on actresses or the pretty cashier at the grocery store. He refrains because he respects his relationship (and he knows it isn’t worth hurting my mom or their relationship). Maybe he set the bar high for me but I believe anything less is unacceptable when you are in a committed relationship. I’d be bothered too and I’d send him on his way if he doesn’t get it together as his behavior is hurting you ultimately screamshe’s just not that into you.

Oh my lord. This has spiraled, and was not my intention.

If this man is acting in the good faith of the relationship, then let it go. Stop looking at what he is doing online. It only hurts you. Start appreciating what he does well, and start commenting on hot women, he might see how silly it is.

If this is simply a signal to a bigger issue, then dump him. My guess is if he is immature, this is not the only way he shows it.

But, I would also say that men who care about you do modify their behavior when asked. Evan Mark Katz talks a lot about men calling more for a woman they care about. They want to make their women happy. He is always reasonable, but he says to ask nicely. But he also says, if the man is not acting like a boyfriend, then dump him. I do not know and if this is the only issue, then maybe that is just him, and it is ok.

I do not know what the situation is here, but I doubt that commenting on women’s profiles is the only sigh of this man’s maturity. If it is, then please focus on your relationship and make it good. If it is not, and you want someone more mature, then move on.

It is not a feminist issue or not. Men look at women, they oggle them and want to touch boobies. That is what they want to do, even the nicest ones. You might simply not be compatible with him. It is not objectifying women to comment, as the women put themselves out there as well. It is simply part of the world, some people participate and some do not. For me, it is a maturity sign, not a sign he is a misogynist. I never said that.

I look at a lot of art and vintage porn, those things are beautiful…

I will say it again… just be watchful… this is yellow flag territory to me.

I was with a man who treated me great! I had no idea he had women all over the country he was telling were his GF too! (he was my last guy… I lived with him and we were together 1.5 years. He was an entertainer and on the road alot)

BUT… he respected and treated me well when together EXCEPT he did comment on women in front of me alot. Women at the gym, on TV, etc. To the point that I just countered (as Lane suggested ) with commenting about hot MEN on TV and at gym, etc. Because frankly, I feel I can hold my own.. but it still pissed me off that he was so blatant in his gawking and comments.

In retrospect, it makes sense, because he did want and see multiple women.

I am not saying the OP’s guy is doing this. But I tend to go by gut more these days and if it feels ‘icky’ (as some of you like to put it) then it goes on the list of flags that says: is this a man I want to be with long term?

with my husband we both comment from time to time

If Angie Harmon walked in a room and my guy did not comment, I would think he was stupid ;-)

Wow this certainly did become quite the heated topic! It’s not the looking that bothers me it’s the commenting; commenting on photos and commenting on girls when I am there. I just don’t understand why does it and he can’t give me a definitive answer either. He said he just did it, didn’t think and it wasn’t to flirt with her or because he was looking for something from her. He said ‘I’m with you, I want you and I’m not with anyone else nor do I want to be.’

In regards to him objectifying women – I’m sorry but women that post selfies on social media are doing it for a reason – they want people to comment and they want the ego boost. She didn’t stand in front of her bathroom mirror and take a photo of herself in a bikini and put in on her Instagram account for any other reason except that she knew that she looked good and she wanted others to tell her that she did. It would have been different if it was a holiday photo but it wasn’t. It was intentional attention seeking. Is it wrong for her to do it? No, it’s her choice but she opens herself up for the comments. I’m just disappointed that it was my boyfriend that decided to participate in the commenting!

I am going to move forward from this and see what his behavior is like in the coming weeks. Some have said to leave him and others have said that it’s nothing. I am choosing to stay with him because he is a great boyfriend and genuinely cares about me and he said that ‘he is trying to be the best person he can be and to make me happy because I deserve to feel loved’. I think that it was genuinely just a stupid thing he did that he didn’t think anything of. He knows that it bothers me now and if it continues I will leave him because I don’t want to be with someone that feels the need to comment on women’s photos and women when I’m there. Like it or not, it’s my choice and I see it as disrespectful; others may not and he should be with one of those women.

It could be a lack of compatibility or a lack of maturity, I’m not sure and only time will tell. I am choosing to look at all the good things, and there are lots of them. Thanks everyone :)

oh wow… much have been said and I can see where all we are coming from.

However, at the end of the day, it is up to Natalie to decide what’s best for her. It is not easy for us to judge the character of her guy just from this post as we are not the one actually involved in a relationship with him nor do we know how he is as a person in other aspects, so it is almost impossible to gauge if he is “obviously out hunting” or just hving a harmless eye-candy moment…

May be it would be constructive to take a different approach to this… I think what’s important at this moment is to make sure Natalie has a clear head to make the right decision for herself. And there’s a very simple perspective you can take to first take away the insecure and hurt feeling despite whatever happened

I wouldnt freak with him liking a girl’s pic but i was defo a bit concern with his “daymmm” comment. but if you take the perspective that he did not do that with the intention to hurt you, then you can be more impartial towards this incident.

yes, the action might come across disrespectful and unacceptable to you, but what really caused you pain is the thought of “he did that anyway even it is an action that would upset me / trigger insecure feelings in me”. that’s the thought that translate hurt in your brain…

so the easy way would be, to know that he did not do that just to hurt you. Guys are programmed more simple, sometimes they do what their brain tell them to do that very moment, forgetting to consider consequence (or sometimes they think they can just get away). I duno how much of a douchbag he could be but i am sure he didn’t do that with the thought of “oh, i am going to hurt Nat’s feeling”. Once you got rid of this idea of “he did sth victimizing me”, u will instantly feel much better…

His however stupid behavior reflects nothing about you dear, so please dun feel inadequate about yourself from what he did. just see what he did together with the rest of him as a package, its part of the deal and then consider, “do i want this”

reading all our posts here, I think it is fine we all hold different opinions towards this in a forum… but there’s one thing I think you need to be careful with, Natalie, is that, same as discussing it with your close friends, sometimes when a lot are said against your man (he’s immature, stupid, inconsiderate etc), it would inevitably create an urge in you to defend him especially when you really like/love him.

Am not saying your positive defend over ur guy was not genuine, but just pay attention where it comes from. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone other than you whether he’s a good man for you to stay or not… so be impartial and only take the side of yourself, listen to what the Natalie in you has to say, and stand by it :)