Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Did I screw this one up?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 1 year, 12 months ago by
Daisy.
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Daisy
This guy and I matched on Bumble and talked for a week before we met up. He was great about reaching out and was really eager to go out. This guy has been separated from his ex for 2.5 years (married for 13) and has 4 kids, so I get he has a lot on his plate. To make it even more complicated, I live in NYC and he’s in the suburbs (like an hour train ride). He was totally happy to come to the city for our first date, which I appreciated. I also go out to near where he lives about twice a month, so I didn’t think it was an unrealistic thing to pursue.
The date itself was great. Each time we finished some place he wanted to keep the date going, we probably spent 5-6 hours together. We part (just a kiss on the cheek), and he asks me to text him when I get home, which I do. He’s still on the train home and we’re texting and flirting. He texts me the next morning “I’m so tired, you kept me out so late!”, which was a joke, since it was him who wanted to stay out. The next few days he’s doing great at reaching out and keeping the conversation going. Then 2 days go by and I hear nothing. So now it’s maybe 5 days since the date, I haven’t heard from him in 2 (which differs from our normal cadence) and he hasn’t specifically mentioned a 2nd date.
Of course I do the dumb thing and basically say “Hey- I had a really fun time with you. I’m just not clear if you wanted to go out again. Seriously, no pressure if this isn’t the right situation for you, I know it’s not the most convenient”. I guess at this point I was expecting he was done and just wanted him to be like “yeah, you’re right, this isn’t convenient” and I could close the door on this. But he texts me back saying he had a lot of fun too and he would hangout again (but again, doesn’t set up anything). We chat a little more. Then he reaches out later that day asking how my day was, blah blah. Things seem back on track.
Now it’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. Obviously I’m not going to reach out to him again, but did I totally scare him off by sending him that text asking if he wanted to hangout again? i know I def need to learn to multidate and let things play out. But it’s hard when you’re excited about one person.
Raven
You didn’t screw anything up…
My guess, this ‘separated’ guy isn’t really separated.
Being separated means, still Married.Gaia
Take a deep breath and relax. You are way too invested after one date. You should be going out and not worrying about whether this guy texts you back or not.
Just an outside observation of what I personally consider red flags from your post and my experience in the dating world:
You say he’s separated not divorced. 2.5 yrs is long enough to get an official divorce.
He kept pushing for the date to last longer. This may seem sweet but I feel like it was probably an attempt to get you to take him home.
He faded out. Maybe he didn’t feel the connection like you did. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe his wife found out. Who knows? You didn’t ruin things by asking if their would be a follow up or scare him off. The ball is in his court and he hasn’t responded in 5 days. Leave him alone and move on to someone who is eager to set up the 2nd date.
Daisy
According to him, their agreement was that they would not officially divorce for now since she is still on his health insurance. I know he at least lives separate from the wife, so my instinct says they are not together anymore and he’s being truthful about that.
But I can see him wanting to hookup and maybe keeping hanging out in hopes I eventually invite him back.
And yes, I def realize I overinvest too soon. I very rarely meet guys I connect with, so it’s hard for me not to. But I know it’s something I need to work on.
Liz Lemon
His reasoning about the insurance is sketchy. They’re getting divorced– she needs to figure out her own insurance. I had a friend who was in a similar situation with her husband– they were separated for years, living in different states, but she didn’t file for divorce because she had him on her health insurance. That was always her excuse. The real reason was she wasn’t ready to let go.
So to me that’s not a good enough reason to NOT file for divorce. She can try to get insurance through her employer, she can look for health insurance through the affordable care act– there are options. So that’s a cop-out, in my opinion.
You have no idea if they live separately. You’ve never seen where he lives.
I sound skeptical, yes, but you have to be skeptical when dating! This guy is a stranger.
I agree you didn’t do wrong by asking your question, but this guy has faded out. One good date does not mean someone is a good dating prospect. He’s shown you he’s either flaky or not interested– either way, all you can do is move on.
Gaia
The health insurance line is a bunch of BS. Or as Liz says Sketchy!
That could be dealt with in the divorce. Otherwise, it’s just an excuse to keep connected. Also, 2.5 years is long enough to figure out how to get your own health insurance.
You are already making excuses for this guy from the first post and it was only 1 date. I don’t care if he has a full time job where he works overtime then has 3+ kids, if a guy is into you… he’ll find a way to communicate and be with you. You don’t/won’t need to make an excuse for him (ie. he’s not tired, he doesn’t have a lot going on, he’s stressed, etc.).
Don’t you think you deserve better than someone you have to make excuses for prior to the first date?
Daisy
Don’t think I’m making excuses for him. He hasn’t texted and there’s zero excuse in my book for him not to if he’s interested. Ultimately I think he was just interested in sex, and I think I made it pretty obvious that wasn’t going to be happening immediately.
More just wanted peace of mind that it wasn’t my text that caused him to lose interest. And I’m also just annoyed that I gave him the perfect excuse to stop talking and he didn’t just take it.
Raven
@Daisy, Guys can be like that… It’s called keeping their options open…
Liz Lemon
He lost interest before you sent the text. An interested guy is proactive and consistent with his contact. If he had been proactive & consistent, you wouldn’t have had to send that message. So don’t blame yourself. And don’t be annoyed with him, it’s not worth the energy. You had one date and it didn’t work out, it happens. Like Raven said, he probably wanted to keep his options open so didn’t want to definitively close the door with you.
Daisy
@Liz Lemon- That makes sense, I feel he did lose interest just before that. I need to do a better job of trusting my instincts and when I feel they start to pull back, just to leave it be and not continuing to force a conversation. But I’m glad I haven’t messaged him after that and deleted his number. On to the next…
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