difference between being exclusive, dating and GF

Of course you should have the talk with him. My now BF of a year and half had the take around the 4 moths mark, he brought it up and ask me to be his GF, No talking about it just leave things too in the open, is better to have all the cards in the table so that everyone is on the same page.

I agree with Lane. I don’t know if it’s online dating or what but things are now way more complicated than they need to be. And whatever happened to dating someone you feel comfortable talking to?

Too bad we are not allowed to link out to external sites. I came across the perfect article not too long ago that echoes what Lane said but provides rationale for millenial behavior. (I am one and embarrassed for my generation, but also acknowledge my own hypocrisy when warranted.)

E – as someone who is your same age, and has navigated this relationship puzzle recently here’s my advice.

I view having the “exclusivity” talk as separate from the “BF/GF” talk. The exclusivity talk refers to the fact that the two parties have agreed to sexual exclusivity. That means you need to end any FWB or hookup agreements that might have been in place while you were solely in the dating phase. This does not mean, unless it is expressly stated, that you need to stop seeing others or talking to others. You just cannot have sexual relations, or you will be breaking the exclusivity agreement.

I personally believe this is more common, because it had become more socially acceptable to sleep with someone you aren’t dating. Exclusivity allows the parties to take the step towards a relationship that shows that they can be fulfilled by one person. It also allows for a little more security.

The BF/GF talk means that you are in a full fledged committed relationship. So, you must cut off all romantic contacts with other parties.

As far as timeline goes, it is typical that exclusivity be discussed in the first month or so of dating. Ideally before any sexual contact. And then, the BF/GF talk should be had at 4-8 weeks. Both conversations should be initiated by the guy. If a guy hasn’t taken steps to lock you down by the 8 week make, then it’s unlikely that he ever will.

You’re getting ready to pass the 16 week mark! That’s double the time recommend in this forum. What’s happened to you is that timeline has stalled because you’ve been acting like a GF without the appropriate title. There’s no need for the guy to ask you to be his GF, because he’s already getting all of he benefits without any of the work! This is such a common (and unfortunate) mistake among women our age.

Statistically speaking around the 4 months mark you should already be in a defined relationship, and getting ready to say your first “I love you”s.

Sadly you’ve put yourself in the position where you must resort to taking the masculine role of the aggressor. Which means you are going to have to bring up the DTR talk.

As far as my own story goes, I requires exclusivity before sexual contact. After a month my (now) BF agreed. Then, at about the 6/7 week mark people in our social circle began referring to us as BF/GF. We both had it happen individually, and it had happened at least once when we were both together. So, what I did is ask about that.

In a super relaxed setting and in a warm, kind, non- accusatory tone I said, “So, a couple of times this week I’ve had people approach me and say things like ‘Oh, I didn’t know X was your BF,’ or ‘Hey, have you seen your BF today I’ve been trying to call him and it goes straight to voicemail.’ When people ask me those questions I don’t really now how to respond. How do you feel about us using labels at this point?”

He told me he was greatly enjoying my company and that he saw a lot of promise in our relationship, but wasn’t ready to use labels yet. At this point he still had 2 weeks left in the 6-8 week window, so I didn’t walk away. Luckily that was smart because he told me 2 weeks later that he wanted to be able to refer to me ask his GF.

I asked later if he was upset or offended when I brought up the use of labels. And he told me that he respected the fact that I felt comfortable talking with him about difficult topics, and that he appreciated that I made it such a low pressure conversation. Also, that it caused him to reflect on his feelings for me, because he knew I wasn’t going to keep seeing him if he didn’t lock me down soon.

I’ve always believed that dating leads to exclusivity/relationship – they’re the same thing. Where did this whole have sex with only each other but still see other people thing come from? That is just wack-a-doodle, imo.

I find it interesting that so many people who self identify as “millennials” are unfamiliar with the current dating landscape. From my experience, and the shared experiences of my friends, this trend seems to be pretty universal in the United States.

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with the shift. You just have to know how to properly navigate the relationship by appropriately applying initiation ratios, timelines, other key rules and strategies, and holding out on getting physical if you are indeed looking for a serious relationship.

The problem is FWB. Once there was a new category all the other categories got fuzzy.

FWB made asking if there is a commitment or not applies. That is why was are all confused.

And you can be FWB with exclusivity or without…what a ride…

I wonder what the newest generation will come up with……..

Lara

“This uncertainty seems to push men along to asking for exclusivity. In the discussion that follows I let them know that exclusivity lasts less than a month with me. If we haven’t determined after a month of exclusivity that we both want a relationship, then it will be time to move on. Sounds a little weird when I type it out but the conversation has never been awkward.”

No, it does not sound weird.

On the one hand I tend to agree with Lane. Exclusiveness without commitment sounds paradoxical. A promise
not to get involved with other people is giving up a freedom you would otherwise have. And what is a commitment but a promise to do/give up a freedom you would otherwise have? To me, all options are fair game before then.

But putting men on notice that you have a time limit for exclusiveness makes sense (assuming its tactfully put). Notice sends a message that time is valuable and yours will be used achieve an end.

I have a commitment deadline (3 months) but I always kept it to myself. If a man does not know by then I move on. One guy was really shocked I did this though. He said he didn’t realize I was prepared to walk away, why not let things keep unfolding until he got a better idea, blah blah blah. I said I am truly sorry but you should have thought about that when the opportunity was there. What I didn’t consider is that for many people the dating experience is extremely vague. They will not learn to value time until they put another person on notice, or another person puts them on notice.

Jade, I’d say it is so, especially with younger generations. I’m 25 and I noticed it when I started dayting younger guys.

My quasi-ex (you see I don’t even know how to label him properly) and I became exclusive after like a week of knowing each other, but he ran to the hills when I said that I want a relationship.
He said it himself that we’re more than just f*ck-buddies but got scared when it was time to step up. Even though he pretty much acted like being in a relationship. I am aware now that I made a whole series of wrong steps but yeah, at least I learned something…

Somebody here wrote once exclusivity is not sleeping with other people. In a relationship is being accountable to the other person
I’d say a lot of guys nowadays are terrified of being labeled in a relationship…

ps. He’s pulling the same sh*t on a woman your age and she’s phD psychology student so I really don’t know what to think :D

I’m 25 and I agree with redcurlysue the advent of “friends with benefits” is what ruined the simplicity of dating.

I also agree with Livvi that it’s complicated but with experience you learn to navigate it. Occasionally you can “play it wrong” (as I did in my last ‘situation-ship’
However in my current relationship everything happened exactly in the time frame Livvi described.

I met him in February and was still casually dating other guys… within 3 weeks he asked me to be exclusive and that’s when we became intimate. The boyfriend/girlfriend stage happened about a week later and it just happened naturally. He began calling himself my boyfriend and introduces me as his girlfriend and here we are. Knee deep in the infatuation phase and inseparable lol

The last guy I dated was actually the reason I found new mode lol. I was so confused by all of the bs this guy I was dating put me through and several of you guys on here have it to me straight. He did not want to have a relationship with me that was anything more than friends with benefits and I was in denial. Lol! It wasn’t until I saw the night and day difference between the last guy and my current guy that I realized how much truth was in the things I’ve learned here..

Anyway my advise is to let the bf\gf phase happen naturally and if it doesn’t happen in the timeframe that feels right to you then bring it up in the casual low pressure way livvi suggested.

Don’t be too strict on time tables though.. That’s ridiculous. Trust your gut and pay attention to his actions that will tell you if you guys are moving at the right pace

I understand the assertion that being BF/GF is not a commitment. There are no legal ramifications for breaking up with your BF/GF. And, there are legal proceedings that are required to obtain a divorce, which might make couples more interested in working things out before filing for divorce. But, in the US in 2016 it isn’t that difficult to obtain a divorce if you have no children, know which state to file in, and have access to good counsel.

But, I don’t think that is sufficient to label a BF/GF relationship non-commitment or quasi-commitment. To me dating is no commitment, exclusivity is quasi-commitment, BF/GF is commitment, and marriage is a legally binding contractual agreement.

Commitment does not solely equate to marriage. You do not need to be contractually bound in order to be committed. What about couples who don’t believe in marriage? Are they just floating around in non-commitment land forever? NO! Or, a couple who is together 5+ years before getting married. Are they completely non-committed? NOPE!

The dating landscape has changed because people are delaying marriage. Especially those who are college educated. And, sexual freedom means that the incentive to get married so you can experience sex has disappeared. Finally, people don’t meet the same way people used to. With the advent on online dating having the stages of talking, dating, exclusivity, relationship, engagement, and marriage was bound to become more prevalent. The reason we are starting to see this more and more, is because it has taken time for the trends to permeate all levels of dating culture.

Also, I do not believe in this “let things flow organically” mentality. It is important to indicate your intentions early. If you tell the guy you’re seeing that you’re interested in a long term, serious relationship leading to marriage then stick to that. If he hasn’t committed in 4 months its unlikely he’s going to be the one to step up now.

Raven,

Dating has no legal significance. That was Lane’s point. No legal significance, no commitment.