Do ghosters come back?

I tried defining our relationship at 3 months and just dropped out of nowhere

I know it sucks when you want a relationship with someone but they don’t want it with you. It will hurt and sting for a bit but you will recover and eventually meet the guy who would never dream of leaving or hurting you this way! He’s out there, you just haven’t crossed paths yet.

I find doing this worked for me when it didn’t pan out. Envision yourself in the driver’s seat of a car. Put him in your rear view mirror, wave goodbye, look forward, punch the gas and keep your mind open towards a better destination. This mental vision helped me move on much quicker and faster v. wallowing in despair. Best to take control early on or you risk falling into a depression or meeting that person your meant to be with. No man is worth that.

Emma, I highly disagree with you!

What’s the DIFFERENCE between someone having ‘the talk” or going on the “permanent walk?” Nothing, the result and the hurt is the same so why it drag it out if a relationship hasn’t even been formed yet? If a store clerk just stops showing up for work and was never heard from again would you call them a sociopath? If a patient didn’t show up at their appointed time and never heard from again would they be called a sociopath? Of course not because people are FREE to decide what’s best for them. In this case, he knew it would be a waste of his time and energy telling her he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her; whereby she would still be an emotional wreck and he’d still leave!

If there’s been no relationship formed then its just dating; whereby a man is under no legal or moral obligation to get into a relationship with a woman just because he dates her for a bit, and neither is a woman! If a true bond had been established here then this would have be cruel but none was at least on his end, and he’s free to walk away when he longer want to continue something he doesn’t want.

This term ghosting is being overused and abused!!! It was once called “abandonment” when marriage was the norm and one of the partners walked away never to be seen or heard from again. Ghosting is essentially the same thing except a marriage didn’t occur but property and/or children are involved. This isn’t a new concept—-has been going on for centuries!

Emma, they were not in a relationship. She posted a few messages up “I tried defining our relationship at 3 months and just dropped out of nowhere.”

They were never a couple so how can someone break up with someone they were never in a relationship with??? He opted to stop seeing her because he didn’t want a relationship with her and its his choice and right to do so. Just because a man dates a woman for a bit doesn’t mean he has to jump through hoops to end something that never started.

I don’t know why women think dating is any different or special than anything else people do whether its picking/choosing a doctor, car, job, home, friendship, hair dresser, roommate, college, hobby…list is endless. If they decide its not someone they want to continue with either party FREE to stop planning or accepting dates with that person—that’s the point I’m trying to make.

Of course it would be courteous/nice if the guy said “I’ve decided I don’t want to date you any longer, your a great person but I’m just not feeling it in the way I need to in order to continue this” and the woman responded with “I’m sorry to hear that but I understand and wish you luck in love and life.” Sadly, that’s now how it goes, the woman refuses to ACCEPT IT and tries everything or anything to ‘get him back’ even though she never really had him. This is why guys prefer to take the permanent walk v. having to go through the ringer.

I am also starting to think whether ghosting is better than saying something and dragging things out. In some ways it’s harder to ghost or stop calling (that’s what they called it in the old days) with all the social media, and you’re always “Facebook friends” anyway. Maybe silence is clearest message some of these men are capable of putting out, they are only acting out of self preservation, and maybe we can just respect their choice.

KK, Dating a man is no different than meeting anyone else, whereby some develop into friendships or relationships, personal or professional and many do not. A man is not obligated to get into a relationship with you just because he takes you on some dates and that’s the lesson in this. There are many risks you take in your daily life, some you can control like paying rent on time; but others you cannot such as being selected for a job and that’s a fact of life—dating falls in line with the latter.

You can’t control how people feel about you. Like they say people come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason and best to treat each experience as a learning lesson. What did you learn from this person and experience? You will be surprised as time passes that each individual you meet came with a purpose and left when that purpose was completed, irregardless of the intent of the purpose.

He taught you a lesson, no differently than your parents, teachers, bosses, and others you’ve learned from on the journey of life—some easier some harder. You will learn many more as you age and hopefully in doing so be able to spot a good man which may take a few more trials and tribulations before you can know. Trust me, it will look and feel the OPPOSITE of what you experienced when you experience it. He did you favor by not stringing you along longer than he did, be thankful for that.

Great post Becky! That’s what I’ve been trying to relay and hopefully the OP gets it and learns from it.

The difference between men and woman is that MAJORITY of man (there are those few exceptions) is they don’t get bent out of shape when you stop responding and are able to ACCEPT that anon response is a response: “I’m not interested in pursuing this.” I hated having to tell a guy “why” I no longer wanted to see because the cold hard TRUTH is: “I didn’t like him enough” or “like him enough that way” and having to tell them that v. no longer responding is a much better way of ending it IMO.

Dating shouldn’t be this hard.

There was actually psychological research (actual data and published articles) on how ghosting may affect the person on the receiving end and the conclusions were univocal – it is much more diffuclt to be dumped like this than to be dumped in a regular way (with a talk or at least a message). I don’t think this result is surprising at all – often you just don’t know what happened with your lover, if he died or had an accident – so it’s no surprise that you keep obsessing – but psychologists done their work to establish and proof this result clearly.

I don’t know about sociopaths and differences between 3 months, 6 months and marriages, but I’m pretty sure that it is not a better way to end things with someone.

Anon, I simply disagree because we would have less of this happening if it worked. Do you know how many posts there are of women trying to “get a men back” when they no longer want to see them? TONS. Its an epidemic where women drunk call, go on emotional text rants, stalk them on social media, try to sex them, show up at their place and confront them…the list is endless!

Honestly, “netflix and chill” is now considered dating so you can’t blame the guys for bouncing when the lady gets on the oxytocin crazy train.

Yes, yet many people believe that it’s ok to ghost. I even came across an opinion that it is “more classy” to just stop replying. Weird times indeed. Thankfully, not all men are like this. I know plenty of men who would never imagine that this is even an option to ghost. I believe my man is one of them, although I have no proof because we never broke up :)

“Anon, I simply disagree because we would have less of this happening if it worked. Do you know how many posts there are of women trying to “get a men back” when they no longer want to see them? TONS. Its an epidemic where women drunk call, go on emotional text rants, stalk them on social media, try to sex them, show up at their place and confront them…the list is endless!”

Men do the same things. Personally, I don’t do that stuff. Also, women do that stuff if they get ghosted. The one guy who ghosted me told me about a girl he was dating who just showed up at his place without warning while he was with another woman. Well, you probably ghosted her and she got anxious and showed up.

The last guy who ended it with me simply said he wasn’t feeling spark. I replied “thanks for letting me know, I enjoyed our time together. Best of luck.” That drama? An oxycontin train? Or the guy who broke up with me last summer – he met someone else- my response “Bummer, I really liked you but have fun and keep in touch”.

There are scads of really nice rational women like me who get ghosted. I’m sure there are high drama women, but men should be able to sort thru who is psycho and who isn’t pretty quickly.

Also, yeah, some women will blow up at you. But how about ending it with them, THEN after you send the “this is over” message, just block them. But at least tell them.

The stark difference between me and others is I don’t start out “dating.” I start out getting to know someone first BEFORE I formally date them which is when we have come to a mutual decision we only want to be with each other (in a relationship) so to avoid the pitfall—does he like me, does he not? Until then I’m single and free to mingle, meet others and do what I want, when I want, anytime I want and with whomever I want or not!

I was SHOCKED to see how different dating had become after being married for 20+ years—it was like being dropped on a different planet! I was forced to navigate all these new “minefields” such as the internet and texting (the worst) v. meeting men in real life (the best) like I used to. I went on long dating hiatuses because it had become so whacked I didn’t want to be involved in it at all and was easier to be single and happy v. dating and unhappy with the crappy pool of men I was meeting! Its become a dating F@!KFEST.

I had never ‘bounced’ (stopped engaging/disappeared) so much in my life and only did so because the QUALITY of men I met post marriage v. pre-marriage, really sucked! I was finally able to find A GEM and I did it my old school way—not having any expectations beyond what it was, just getting to know him like I do with anyone else I meet and only entering into a relationship when I KNEW it was one. At any time before that either of us were free to stop for whatever reason.

If you all want to INSTA-DATE, start out the gate in “relationship mode”, that’s your prerogative but I don’t so I will STAND BY MY BELIEF that someone you spent a brief amount of time with is under no obligation to formally end something that never got off the ground. If they want to fine, if not, that’s fine too—the end result is still the same. I take FULL OWNERSHIP for MY EMOTIONS. If I get a crush, too far ahead or fall in love with a man who isn’t feeling the same way, then that’s MY FAULT not his, so I’m not inclined to take the ‘victim role’ and BLAME a guy for at least trying but not able to get there. If you do, fine but I don’t and won’t.