Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Do ghosters come back?
- This topic has 125 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Ianthe.
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Lilith
I wanted to see if my intuition was right. That’s why J didn’t show up.
Becky
He will contact you if he wants to connect/talk with you. If you wait for him to contact then you’ll know his interest level. So don’t reach out again- let him come to you
Anon
Becky, very good point. I thought it would look bad if I didn’t show concern. But you are correct in why I need to wait.
Angel
Hello,
I was ghosted by a guy I have been dating long distance for 4 months. We flew once to meet and we developed a wonderful relationship. The plan was for him to come after the new year again so that we spend more time together. One day, he is texting me and everything is wonderful and making sure to tell me good morning every morning… he disappeared. I saw him active on FB, called him there, did not pick up.. called his regular number, did not answer.. I left a message asking what happened? where is communication? did I do anything wrong,, still no response. I have called him 6 times total in 2 days, sent him emails asking him to tell me why did he leave.. are we breaking up or is he just mad at something.. I even asked him to just say one work to let me know that we are done as a courtesy… no response.
Are we broken up? we were so communicative and always voiced our concerns to each other.. He was an Angel.. how could he just disappear and not care about my feelings. He always worried about them… is he thinking? coming back? I feel like my brain is going to explode. I get so many mixed feelings in one day trying to find our and analyse everything.. this is torture.
Emma
Angel, that is why ghosting is a horrible thing to do to someone. After some many calls from you, he could have told you he is no longer interested.
Drop it girl. 6 attempts is enough. You want to tell him he is a a-hole, do it if it would make you feel better. Do whatever would make YOU feel better and do not think about him.
And in the future do not “start talking” to men who approach you from long distance.
NN
It is ok not to feel connected with someone after one day or one year dating, the thing is that it is always necessary to have the decency to let the other person know by saying it and not just disappearing, that shows respect.
Missy
Ghosters are cowards. You should be happy they showed you who they are before going any further. Imagine if you were more emotionally invested? I was ghosted not once, but twice last week from guys who told me the hated people who ghost. LOL You can’t change the world, or other’s behavior, but you can control how you handle it. You need to turn the focus back on you when this happens and do something you love. The more you love yourself, the less you’ll care. You’ll realize it’s a reflection of how awful THEY are, not you. Truth is, it’s a numbers game and most of the men we meet/date won’t be the right guy for us. Learn not to take it personally! Life will be SO much easier when you do.
anon
Missy,
I know you mean well, but if you were ghosted by 2 guys last week, I assume you were casually dating both. 4 months into a relationship when you are focused on a single guy is a lot different kind of hurt than not hearing from the guy you met for drinks a couple times.That said, there are a lot of men who think ghosting is the “right” thing to do because they don’t want to hurt you with a break up. Hopefully karma is headed his way. And the way of my date from last weekend. I made him dinner after a number of dates. He ate all the food, so it wasn’t my cooking….Now *poof*. And they wonder why we have trust issues and wait on sex.
And in terms of analysis, you did NOTHING wrong other than expect to be treated with some respect. Something came up on his end and he was either to lazy or too ashamed to say something to you.
Emma
“there are a lot of men who think ghosting is the “right” thing to do because they don’t want to hurt you with a break up. ” – this is so annoying when people repeat this.
Ho can anyone think that sending a short text “I do not think we are a good match, I wish you all the best” is hurting someone MORE than simply vanishing and leaving them in devastation? Who would think it is “less hurtful” to vanish? It is a total BS, to cover up emotional cruelty and mean selfish character. These people secretly enjoy the hurt they caused, observing how the other person is calling and writing, asking, pleading.
When you live in a society you know what it feels like to be ignored. There is not a single person who has not experienced it. And nobody likes it. And yet still some naïve women continue to buy this “not to hurt you” BS. Very foolish.
anon
Emma, I know, I am 100% with you, but our local newspaper had a guy write an article about why he thinks ghosting should be acceptable and in his opinion, its less hurtful than being honest with someone. I imagine he wasn’t lying and I imagine that if he thinks that way, other men think that way. And honestly, I think for the person doing the dumping, ghosting and blocking is probably the easier path than honesty. I know when I have broken up with people, it’s what I would have preferred to do, but I did not because I know it’s the wrong thing. It’s common enough that I can’t imagine all these ghosts are sociopaths enjoying the pain of others. I think they are simply blocking the women.
Men have become very self centered- he also wrote another article on “why can’t women date casually” (he is early 30’s) and it never occurred to him that women have a biological clock.
Anon
The same thing happened to me and I am having a cruelly difficult time. Only a little over a month. He text conversations several times a day, sometimes for hour or more and telephone conversations those days too. So almost constant contact. One date, good connection, half a day evening and kissing and asking for next date to spend afternoon and likely weekend together. Continued constant contact but my sudden lack of money pushed weekend off. First he was going to come pick me up and then said let’s wait till next weekend, said not able to complicate life now also not able to be 100 percent responsible for someone. Said still wanted to see me, know me and very attracted to me. Constant contact continued with phone calls and texts. Then tried to FaceTime with me and I said no, wait. Then on a Thursday said I might have to take train back early because of snow threats but phone calls continued. Fri morn texting to say hello. No other contact and I texted a little frantically at 10:30pm to say let me know wht is going on. Saturday I was supposed to go out there and he texted me early saying he wasn’t feeling good about thing due to distance and financials and that I had done nothing wrong. He wished me the best. Period. Ghosted after that. I am dev estates for some reason and having hard time. He was inviting me so far in and only a month but talking all the time and then nothing is devastating.
Denise
Hi. I was in a relationship with a guy since march. We were exclusive, I was frequently with his family, he was really in love with me. Last time we saw each other was before christmas. We exchanged gifts and he was caring. I even exchanged gifts with his parents. But since november he was like in a roallercoaster. One day making big plans, the other making excuses. I went to see my family for the holidays and when I got back he made a few excuses to not see me and then I sent a message breaking things up. He never answered it. I am so hurt. I was really strong and made things easy, no insistence at all. Is it too much to say “ok, we are over”?! The worst is that we share a social group and will certainly meet each other and I Will know about his life. Really hard. Now I am afraid of carrying some kind of trauma.
Emma
Denise, in your case he did not “ghost”. You ended it via a message. He stonewalled you back, being offended. Ghosting would be if you talked normally, nothing out of the ordinary, and then the guy goes poof, vanished. You call, text, you ask him if he is ok, no reply. You know he is alive and well. He is ignoring all your attempts to find out what’s going on. This is ghosting, so in you case, things are different.
Adelaide Kourtney
Yes definitely, in my experience. I have been ghosted by 2 guys. The first suddenly stopped talking to me out of the blue, even though we had been on 4 dates and everything seemed good, then messaged me again 3 months later and continued to message me sporadically for 1.5 years before I eventually blocked him because I was over it.
The second guy it went on for years. First he ghosted me because he ended up with another girl, then he messaged me out of the blue a few months later saying he made a mistake, but I wasnt ready, and same thing. Every few months or so he would message me. They always come back to remember what they took for granted!Denise
Emma, yes, you are right. But I only ended this way because he was making excuses I couldn’t accept. And he was so picky and hard to deal that I would have to wait his special schedule to do it in person or even over the phone. He dug it. It wasn’t offensive. So I would expect for a closure… I made things easy for him
Lane
My problem is the term “ghosting” is being over used and abused to the point it holds no weight or validity in the realm of “dating” because in majority of these cases no true commitment (partnership) has been formed.
Ghosting was initially coined for unmarried persons who suffered “abandonment” (legal term) which was when A HUSBAND or WIFE abandoned the other without any knowledge they were going to do so—literally “disappeared” never to be seen or heard from again! In these cases a “partnership” had been formed where they were planning a life (engaged) or living together like a married couple (often with children).
I HATE that word, whereas unless you were legitimately “abandoned” by a partner then you haven’t been “ghosted”—trying to compare the loss and pain of a significant partner who abruptly disappeared to someone who’s dated for a short bit of time is creating all kinds of unnecessary DRAMA in dating today.
What is dating? Its defined as “a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner.” Its not a promise or guarantee that if you go on some dates or spend some time together that it going to evolve into a commitment (partnership). If one is engaging in the activity of “dating” then you have to ANTICIPATE or EXPECT that it may not last beyond a few dates or a few months—if it does, great, if not you keep dating until you attain that goal IF that’s your goal.
Technology (internet, social media, texting) has significantly altered the dating landscape, as has FWB/NSA (easy sex), so stop blaming MEN for it whereas women need to start taking responsibility and ownership for their part and role of making dating so darn complicated today. Dating 101: If a guy stops asking you out on dates it means: “I”m not interested in pursuing anything further with you.” If a lady stops accepting dates from a guy it means: “I’m not interested in pursuing anything further with you.” Its not rocket science!
If you can’t take THE BLARING HINT when a man stops asking you out or planning time to see you then don’t date if you can’t handle it because when they stop doing so it means: “I’m not feeling it (falling in love) the way I need to feel it in order to continue.” Nothing they say to you or you say to them will change it if they know in their heart of hearts its a “NO GO.” And this whole getting “closure” is new fangled psycho babble NONSENSE and just another way humans are creating mole hills out of flat earth. He simply didn’t fall into that DEEPER LOVE that compels a man to stay with you OR fell out of lust/infatuation/love—that’s the nuts and bolts of WHY they stop dating you and telling you that isn’t going to make you feel better or want to dance in the tulips—it stings/hurts just as much if you have deeper feelings for them than they did you.
For those who are ready to ATTACK, I am NOT saying it would be “nicer” for both men and women to end something formally BUT I understand WHY many today aren’t doing it—because its EASIER and DRAMA FREE! If you’ve been on the receiving end of those who can’t or won’t accept it, including those you haven’t even gone on a date and only chatted/texted with prior to meeting (especially with online dating) you become super leery or hardened about engaging in that dialogue and find its easier to just drop off the radar (stop all contact). Many of the posts here prove my point where we have hundreds of ladies who even after being told “I’m not interested…” or “I’m not looking for anything serious” come here to find a way to ‘get them back’ after texting, calling, emailing, pleading, begging or showing up at their door didn’t work. If women and men took it better by responding with a “Thank you for letting me know, I understand and wish you luck in life” it wouldn’t be happening as often it does. Sadly, its the few ‘bad apples’ who are spoiling it for the bunch (others).
anon
Most of the time, men who ghost also send mixed signals. The guy who ghosted me, the time it hurt, did so after HE SCHEDULED another date with me. That’s not “he stopped asking you out”. That’s some legit bad manners minimally and 100% his fault.
I’ve noticed casual guys who are upfront about being casual almost never ghost. Most guys who ghost string women along with a whole lot of relationship talk. Get them into bed. Then cut and run. That’s really bad behavior and the 100% KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They know they are misleading women (either knowingly OR they themselves are operating on lust and have the sex, lose the interest, then feel bad). Most of them are serial about it.
The NY Times did an article on what happens when we get ghosted and why it is so much worse than a normal break up. It’s a good article. But frankly, I think if you have sex with someone and have not verbally defined it as “just casual”, you are a complete jerk and should stick to prostitutes.
Amy
I think if you think like a man relationships are not as difficult to manage these days. Women are behind in the changes that are occurring in relationships- men are at a huge advantage over women right now and I think it will be just a matter of time before we all see what’s happening and rebalance this power.
Anon
Amy can you elaborate on that because I am serious when I say I want to learn how to do that. Don’t want to hurt like this again. Maybe I should have been rational and not believed he was still interested when he was still planning, talking, complimenting, texting and phoning up until the last minute. Maybe I should have realized he was ‘probably trying out ‘other people at the same time. Is that dating like a man or just taking it casual? How r they way ahead of us?
ShelleyM
What Lane said. 100%. Almost everyone who posts here about being “ghosted” is misusing the term.
Amy
What I’m saying is that we give away way too much. We do this through texting, social media , and we put false hopes into this. Guys have never wanted to do all the work to get a girl to havexsex with them and now all they have to do is text- hey beautiful or like something we have posted on social media and we think it means something. It means nothing. Following through on plans, not buying everything he is saying, and watching all of his actions is what we have to do. How do you do this- a guy you like texts- hey- how’s it going gorgeous? You respond- doing great! And that’s it- you don’t have to encourage another thought because texting means nothing- it’s fun but means nothing. As women we put way too much credibility in superficial intimacy and then become intimate and then we are shocked when we encounter the guy who walks away or makes no effort any longer. We need to make them do some real work to get you.
anon
“Women are behind in the changes that are occurring in relationships- men are at a huge advantage over women right now ”
It’s only a small percentage of men that have the advantage. A lot of women no longer need to rely on men and a lot of men are liabilities to women who can support themselves. So yes, good, solid, well employed men do have an advantage because the pool of dateable men is so much smaller.
What I think needs to be worked out now is simple etiquette around “casual” relationships and how that works going forward. Just because you don’t have a commitment doesn’t make it OK to treat each other poorly. Telling women (and men) that they are at fault when someone ghosts is not the solution. The solution is simply a new set of rules that relates to the casual relationships that become the norm when commitment ceases to be in our best interests.
Anon
I agree with both of you. You r right Amy, actions are what matter and we need to hold back our feelings. Since we are women and that doesn’t come naturally I guess that means filling your time with things you love (Missy), dating several men at once initially and learning to stop, look, evaluate before responding or jumping.
MS
KK, I’m curious… did he ever come back? I was ghosted too…, he came back after a month like nothing happened with no apology…a little excuse but not really sorry for what he did and I didn’t hold him as accountable as I should have. Anyway, we got back together (sort of) for a couple of months only for me to be ghosted again. Now it’s been about 2 months and I still haven’t heard from him…
Autumn Falls
Hey all, I stumbled across this post and I am in the middle of grieving my “ghosting”. In a nutshell I was talking to this guy while I was going through my survey recovery process and my mother’s death anniversary. He was acting super into me and I tend to be skeptical of things like that because didn’t meet in person yet. We were talking, facetiming, and texting everyday. He was telling me how much he was into me and how he sees this working. When I healed we went out things were fine talking like usual and I established the do we still like each other after we meet in person. Second time I went over to his place cooked I stayed the night told him I think we are dating and explained what I think dating means he agreed and said ” this is definitely going to work out between us” I stayed the night. We continued talking like normal. 5 days later I ask him was he free for a date this weekend he said no I said ok then he went ghost.
I felt extremely anxious during this time because I thought every thing was fine I reached out maybe 3 times and said my final piece like if you arent into me anymore just tell me instead of leaving my messages on read. No response.
He blocked me on social then my friend called him out which I think made things worse but it did force him to give me an answer. The answer sucked “Basically started talking to and ex again and it was best for him to cut ties with me and that I was too comfortable for someone he was still getting to know.” While he was the one saying he wants me to be over all the time, wants us to sleep together and even invited me to go to Canada (which was a huge ask for only been talking a month). Also, I told him that I was remaining celibate until i was in a committed relationship.
So its been a few weeks but I still find myself grieving and I am tired of grieving. Does anyone have times on how to speed up the grieving process?
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