Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do Guys Really Fall in Love More Quickly Than Women?
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celesteannv.
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Dana
I’ve been dating a great guy for over three months. We are exclusive, he texts me everyday, and we see each other a couple of times a week. Both of us are older and divorced. He is not terribly romantic in the traditional sense but he is affectionate and very kind to me and my daughters. I told him this weekend that I loved him. But he told me yesterday that the pressure to feel what I feel when he’s not ready has made him thought he should walk away so he doesn’t hurt me. He says he is slow to fall in love. He said he thinks I’m awesome and wants to see where this will lead though. Several have suggested that after three months if he doesn’t feel the love that perhaps I’m wasting my time…that men in fact fall in love more quickly than women and he is either emotionally unavailable or I’m not the one for him. Thoughts??
Lane
Hi Dana.
Its very true, men DO fall in love quicker than woman. Men have this innate biological ability to know within a second or two if you meet their ‘physical attraction’ test, and if you pass that, only need a few dates to determine if you passed the ‘personality and energy’ attributes they look for in a potential mate.
Women take longer because we look not only the qualities/traits they posses in how they protect and provide, but how they interact with the world as well, so its takes longer for us to determine if he would be a good provider, protector, kind, honest, loyal, trustworthy, etc. by not only listening to what he says, but how he ACTS upon those words over a period of time.
Another interesting fact is women look for compatibility, but men actually look for their OPPOSITES—as one guy told me, “why would I date myself?” Although you need to be compatible in major areas like sex, children/parenting, finances, etc. or your going to have a difficult relationship; men actually look for a partner that possess the strengths, qualities and traits they don’t have. For instance if he’s a type A he will be drawn to a type B, or ISTJ would be drawn to an ESTP (sensors communicate best with other sensors).
Their brains are wired to suss this out very quickly, where if you rate very high on the physical, personality and energy (active, funny, sarcastic, shy, caring, etc.) scale he will fall in love, but if you rate high in physical but weak in personality and energy (clashes with his) then he won’t. They fall in love no differently than how they buy a car—know what they want (model/type) and then check out its features and take a test drive or two before they will commit to it.
Hope this helps! :-)
HisPresence
I think guys tends to fall in love quicker than women, and guys do fall OUT of love quicker than women too.
Guys can also seperate their male part (sex) and emotions. They can clearly serpate it.
I give an example of my own BFMy BF in his younger days, he have many one night stands. He always use a condom in ALL his one night stand, he said becasue he doesn’t want to pay for child support. ok, that’s understandable.
But then after sex, he would leave, he walks out immediately leave after sex.
He doesn’t even text the girl a ‘thank you’ text.
I criticise him for being cruel, but he said straight in my face that it was just ‘PURELY PHYSICAL’ one night stand only for him only.
There was NO emotions involved in it, so he have no problem walking away cold-ly.dmk
oh, lane. :( I wish i’d had that tidbit of info a week or so ago. I may have really screwed something up.
SweetMarie
Hi Dana,
I think you should listen to what he is telling you (that he’s slow to fall in love) instead of attributing to him a stereotype of what all men are supposed to be like. Although it’s possible to make generalizations for gender here and there, they do not always apply. He said he thinks you’re awesome and he wants to see where things go with you, but that he’s slow to fall in love. Unless you believe he’s lying to you or doesn’t know himself very well, there’s no reason for you to doubt him after 3 months. He sounds like a great guy, I hope things work out!
Marie
Stefanie
Dana, if you want to give it a little more time, go ahead. Just know what your limit is. I feel that what Lane says is largely true, but each situation is different and it is after all your life. Only you know for sure. Just don’t be the girl posting here a year from now saying he hasn’t committed yet, what do I do now.
celesteannv
Dana,
My guy and I are also older – 40s/50s. We have been dating for almost 16 months and he is definitely a “slow burn” type. I was frustrated with this early on… even though he did all of the right BF things, asked me out on dates regularly, asked me to be exclusive quickly, included me in all aspects of his life, etc.
I dropped the L bomb pretty early after a party ( a little tipsy) and he hugged me tight and said “we will get there.” He has been burnt badly in the past and believes that people need to go through “the seasons” together before they know for sure if they are really in it for the long haul.
He says he loves me, but not often, however I know he feels that way all the time. I have let go of the hearts and flowers images I had when I was younger as I had those and it meant nothing when my ex became an alcoholic and cheat on me.I have said it here many times.. ask yourself.. Do I feel loved? Do I give with an open heart and feel appreciated? If the answer is yes, then the words might be nice, but are they really the issue? I know I felt like I needed to hear it after how insecure I was after being cheated on. Now I know that my actions towards me and vice versa say more than any words.
You guys are very new.. 3 months, let it go, let it grow.Juliette
Three months seems so soon Dana. Looking back on my current relationship, I was very anxious to #1 ask me to be exclusive then #2 tell me he loves me then #3… you get the idea. I have since come to realize that the slow, consistent development of our relationship is what has made it so wonderful. Looking back now, at 3 months, we hardly knew each other!!
I agree 100% with celeste – if you feel loved and appreciated just be patient.
talllady
I would get clarity on how long/what things it has taken him in the past to fall in love. We can all guess here, and make generalities. But, he knows what makes him fall in love. Ask him about that, spirit of inquiry.
And be honest – “In my experience, men tend to fall in love quickly or never, I am open to this being different and exploring, but I do not want to waste my time. I have to be honest, I am feeling unsure about this. Can you tell me more? How do you fall in love, how have you fallen in love in the past?”
I dated someone long distance and he said very early on that he falls in love with the details. In the end, he had started to say love you etc, but he did not feel he had the details due to the proximity. I believe in this instance, he actually was falling in love with me, but he know how he had in the past and this looked different, and so he bailed because it made him feel uncomfortable.
Men are creatures of habit. Maybe you can learn more, because honestly, you have to decide for yourself.
Lane
Honestly, I think there are different forms of love and that’s where the underlying mystery lies. It can be love, lust, or friendship with a dose of love or lust…only time can truly determine which one it will end up as.
If its purely physical, then its lust which is why those relationships die out pretty quickly. For some love grows the longer they’re together or dissipates, so even if one falls in love quickly (or slowly) doesn’t mean it will last. For those who want to take their time due to a myriad of reasons such as wanting to get to know a person, previously failed relationships/marriages, still not over the ex, fear etc. and want to give it time to grow organically is OK as long as its progressing towards something.
Like one said, at some point if it isn’t, whether a man falls in love fast or slowly, you have to be able to recognize it as such and be ready to move on when you reach that benchmark. Sadly, so many ladies on here wait it out for YEARS only for a man to come across ‘the one’, dump her, commit and marry the other. So I guess the TRUE ANSWER would be what’s a feasible time-frame to wait for a man to fully commit (e.g., marry) if that’s the type of relationship you’re really wanting or looking for? If not, does it really matter?
celesteannv
My guy pursued hard in the beginning and we quickly became lovers and best friends and settled into what my BFF calls a sickening comfortable, coupleness.
When I am in a zen mode, I consider myself lucky (I do NOT always feel this way) that my life circumstances right now preclude me from making the ‘next big steps’ such as moving in together, getting married, etc. So I have time to get to know this man and be sure he is the one that “I” want to be with forever. We are living life, enjoying out time together, integrating our lives as best we can and making plans for the future.
So many women jump into “love” not really knowing the person.
In 2012, I imagined myself living in Scotland with my last BF after just dating just a few months.. the first fight we had.. poof he was gone.So now I am looking at this man who never gushes, rarely buys me gifts, and has never bought me flowers, BUT makes me laugh so hard I want to pee, is amazing in bed, is an emotional rock, always has my back and is honest and kind as the day is long. Am I in? Yup
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