Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do I ask him what's next for us or give it some time for now, Help!!
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Tammy.
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Sarah Marve
So apologies about how repetitive this has been, but the situation is still going on.
I’ve posted about it a few times, to give context I was talking to this guy I met while he was on touring trip.
We spent a week together before he went to his next city, we kept in touch and kept communicating for 5 months ( he was actively always communicating with me, it was obvious he was really into the whole thing) during this 5 months he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend before he traveled and they agreed when he returned they would see if anything would still work or not.
We decided to keep it friendly since we were long distance, but then he started saying he wanted us to try and see if things would work between us, all our plans and stuff didn’t work out and everyone here advised I should allow him go back and figure out his feelings before anything.I did cut him off and told him to go figure himself out first.He called me again and said he didn’t think it would still workout with the girl but he does need to go figure things out first, I said okay.
I deleted everything about him and moved on.
It’s was only about a week later and he calls me but I didn’t pick, he texts and says he will call me again in a few days.
He calls again a few days later and tells me he and the girl decided to go their separate ways and that for 6 months they were already broken up and no contact and it just didn’t feel right again to get back.
They’ve both practically moved on during that period.
He said it was a mutual agreement and they also decided not to be friends anymore, not keep in contact or anything, I also checked his Instagram and saw he deleted the one picture of them he had on his page.
I was still processing everything but he seemed very excited and happy that we were talking, coincidentally I’m going to his country to study from next month( I already had these plans before meeting him).
So he said he wanted to pick me from the airport and maybe we could spend some time together and show me around.
I was glad cause I actually did need a ride and it would be nice to see him, he also said he told his friends and parents about me and that I was coming to study in his country.Now we are back to talking but we didn’t have any discussion on what’s next for us, if we are going to start anything again though the day he called to tell me they had broken up he made comments made me feel like we are heading that way, but I’m also not in a hurry and don’t think we should start dating immediately. Even though his breakup was mutual , I still believe he needs time before a new relationship. So I’m not interested in jumping in one with him now but I also don’t want to waste my time or anything.
I’ve also noticed that since we got talking again, he doesn’t call or text as much.
He used to always text throughout the day and call me almost every evening (he was doing this for the duration of the 5 months we were talking) but now the texts are not that frequent ( he still texts everyday to check in but it’s not as much as before). We also hardly talk on phone calls.
This also makes me wonder why we got talking again, I understand that we don’t have to text and call each other all the time but it just feels different now and making me doubt things.
Like I said we haven’t discussed what’s next for us, I’m not in a hurry but I also don’t want to waste my time. And I also don’t want to be the one to bring it up, I think he should.I’m not sure exactly what to do at this point, I don’t know if I should just wait and maybe the day he picks me from the airport he might bring it up.
Liz Lemon
You’re about to move to a new country to study, right? You will meet tons of new guys as a student! If I were you I wouldn’t be in a hurry to commit to this one guy before you even get there.
Plus, this guy is just out of a long relationship. You don’t want to be a rebound.
I think it’s fine for him to pick you up at the airport as a friend, if you need a ride. I wouldn’t rush into a relationship with him, though. Let yourself settle in to your new environment, and be open to meeting other guys. You’ve only spent a week with this guy in person, months ago– you might feel very different about him when you see him again.
AngieBaby
NO. Don’t bring it up, that will come across as pressure. Lean waaaay back and see what he’s going to come forward with, if that’s anything. You’re overthinking and already too far ahead of him. You have it right – he’s recently out of something else and needs time and space to get past that to be ready for something else. Don’t be the rebound. I wouldn’t be looking for anything other than to hang out occasionally and you should definitely be dating other guys. Don’t invest too much time or energy. Let him invest first.
Maddie
There’s no reason to read into him pulling back. When I know I’m going to see someone in person soon and I’m busy, I get less talkative because in person is better than messaging. So it could mean something, like he’s taking some space to get over his last relationship, and it could mean absolutely nothing. But my assumption is it means he’s not really thinking much about it until you get there and check out your vibes in person.
Enjoy your time at home until then, and then as the other posters said, keep an open mind because you’re about to meet a lot of new people!
lane
I would not look at him romantically at all, as you will become Ms. Rebound. He needs at least a good year+ before he would even be emotionally ready for another relationship, two or more years if they’ve been together for a long time, such as 5 or more years.
Like they say “the pathway to love is very narrow.” She is still taking up a large amount of space in his heart (90%), whereas it takes a lot of TIME (many months/years) for them to slowly leave that space until one’s pathway has opened up enough to receive another person (10%). The fact they have this off and on thing means he need more time to recover because those couples have such an intense amount of feelings (love) that the pain they endure is too much for them to bear and so they get back together in order to relieve it. Its the worst reason to get back together but that’s the ‘power of love’ so don’t think you can wave a magic wand and make all his pain go away—only TIME and HEALING from the inner love battle can do that.
I highly suggest you put him in the friendzone because he will be going through a tidal wave of emotions, fine one day, bad the next, which is what you are experiencing; and why you should stay out of the REBOUND ZONE!
Sarah Marve
I’ve read all the replies and I totally understand what you all are saying.
Last night we were talking and the topic somehow came up and he said he couldn’t jump back into a relationship immediately because he thinks it’s disrespectful to his ex to get into a relationship right after. I thought that was fine.
He said he is interested in seeing if things work out with us but we could take it slow now and be friends and hang out and all.
I said okay cool but we can also walk away when it’s not working.
Does this make sense?
Everyone thinks he is playing games and would string it along.Raven
& he’s still taking about his ex…
Sarah Marve
Yeah, I mean I thought he was just being respectful and not getting into a relationship right after they broke up like he said but I guess that doesn’t make sense
Maddie
I don’t think he’s intentionally playing games. He likes you well enough BUT isn’t emotionally unavailable, which is all that’s important right now. Unavailable people don’t usually realize that they are acting unfair to others, usually by getting in over their heads and realizing it’s a rebound situation (they liked the attention and potential from another person, enjoyed the distraction from their own break up and ego pain, but can’t give back in a real relationship) once the other person is attached. You can loosely keep in touch without expectation, including letting him give you a ride if you’d like, but I’d keep my distance and date other people. If he’s ready to give things a real try later on and he has the ability to actually follow through on it, he’ll let you know. And you can see if YOU are still single and available and want to explore things or not if that happens.
Maddie
Sorry, *isn’t emotionally available. Or *is emotionally unavailable.
AngieBaby
No Sarah. This makes no sense for you to continue being involved with this man in any capacity. He’s not over the ex by a long shot if his reason for not dating someone else is “out of respect for her” – that’s BS.
People who are very recently out of relationships aren’t able to think logically because they’re hurting. While it’s unlikely he’s deliberately using you, I’d say he’s stringing you along to keep you around on his terms.
Just tell him to call you in 6-12 months after he’s had some time to get past this. I wouldn’t even waste time hanging out or being “friends” with him because the hard truth is you’d just be filling the position of emotional nursemaid. You’re going to get hurt somehow sooner or later if you keep engaging with him. What will likely happen is you hang out with him, you enjoy each other’s company, you think he really likes you and it’s got potential… and then he announces he’s met someone else and is dating her, and you’re a great person and all but he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with you.
Lane
Sarah, always go by this dating rule: If its not a HELL YES, then its a HELL NO! Those who are emotionally available don’t add caveats, such as “let’s take it slow” or “out of respect for my ex…” because trust me, when you try to push it they will revert right back to the caveat “but I told you…”
He is WARNING you not to get close or expect anything out of him. Leave him alone, give him time to heal and go enjoy your awesome life!
Tammy
Your going to a new place so it would be nice to hv sm frnds initially to help you settle in. But the problm is your interested in the guy where as hes not. So unless you can demote him to just a platonic frnd in your mind, its best to stay away. New place new frnds new culture new routine. So many things to experience to accomatise to.. best is to push this guy way dwn ur list and focus on life on other things. All d best.
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