Do I end it?

This is tough. I understand that he hasn’t done anything wrong, but your feelings matter. Are you in love with him? You don’t say anywhere that you love him. You say “the thought of not being with him upsets me” but that’s not the same thing. It may be that you’re just used to having him around and the thought of changing that is scary. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love with him. So ask yourself that.

You talk a lot about him being clingy and needy. Do you feel he supports you? You’re working as a doctor during a pandemic. That’s incredibly stressful! I hope he is supporting you and giving you what you need and not just wishing this would all end so he can spend more time with you. That’s very self-centered of him.

It strikes me that you’re very young- you got together with him when you were 23. That’s young, it may be that you’ve just outgrown each other. It doesn’t sound to me like you envision a future with him (for example, he’s saving money so you two can buy a house, whereas you’re just saving money to save it, not for a future with him).

I definitely agree that now is not the time to make any drastic decisions. With the pandemic, plus a stressful job– no one’s mindset is very good right now, and yours especially so, given that you’re working in a medical field during a pandemic.

It sounds like his clinginess and times of emotional instability are really difficult for you, and it makes sense you’d be feeling that even more acutely now after the last difficult year. It’s been traumatic for anyone on the front lines. I agree some Zoom counseling to help you deal with that and as a means of an extra line of support would help.

While you don’t sound confident and enthusiastic about the relationship right now, I’m reading less in your post that you don’t care about him enough and more that you’re not at a point in your life right now that you’re ready to settle down with anyone. You’re young, and you’ve been with him since your early 20s. It’s definitely possible the relationship has run its course and you’ve realized you’re not compatible enough and you don’t see a future. And if you’ve stayed too long in a relationship before, you want to keep an eye out about why you’ve done that before so you don’t make it a habit. But it’s equally possible that after everything you’ve been through lately, you simply don’t know what you want the rest of your life to look like. Which, at 26 and doubly so as a medical worker during a pandemic, you don’t need to know right now. You have time to figure it out.

Being with someone becomes it’s comfortable and you like them and their family but you’re not feeling that emotionally committed isn’t a good reason to stay. And if what’s causing the distance within yourself is because his depression and clinginess don’t mesh well with you, that is what it is. If he is in therapy, takes medication, actively tries to manage it, then this is what you can expect going forward. It probably won’t change much, and he’s doing what he can. Maybe you need someone who can be a more stable emotional rock to help you recharge from your stressful career instead of who needs your extra attention when you’re stretched thin. That being said, you can (and in my opinion should) also try sharing your feelings with him about his public displays of affection and pressure for connection. That you appreciate he struggles with anxiety and depression and you are conscientious of that and want to be supportive and care for him, but are there other ways you can reassure him that mesh better with your needs, so you don’t feel like you’re always putting him ahead of you? Maybe there are compromises, since the reason he’s doing those things is probably due to his fear of abandonment and his difficulty emotionally regulating himself and looking for you to do it for him. That’s draining on anyone, and feeling like that all the time without speaking up can absolutely create emotional distance and doubts on your end. Especially if that’s a lot of pressure on you after a draining day at work.

Again, I’m not saying either way if this is the right partner for you long-term. I have no idea, and it’s up to you to decide if you’re a good match for each other’s needs. I’m just saying those are the spots I’d think are contributing to feeling less connected to him than you could be, and you should sort through your needs so you can discuss them with him before making a decision (you don’t want to blindside him). And that you don’t need to put pressure on yourself about how you feel about retirement if you’re generally not ready to get married to anyone quite yet. They are legitimate issues btw, and if you two aren’t on the same page and can’t get there, can’t quite meet each other’s emotional needs, it’s okay. It’s still a good reason to end the relationship even though no one’s at fault or the bad guy, as long as you tried to talk it out together first.

BUT. I also want to add this: if he’s looking to marry you, and soon, and you’re way off from his timeline, you should let him go because that’s an incompatibility issue and isn’t fair to him. After 3 years, if your relationship and foundation is stable, you should be able to discuss expectations and hypotheticals for the future without anyone freaking out.

Good luck, and keep your head up. You’ve really endured a lot this year working with patients, and don’t underestimate the impact that may have on you. Make sure you’re prioritizing yourself and practicing some self care.

WFH just means working from home. Means he’s got a job he can still do socially distanced during the pandemic, office job, tech work, etc. not that it’s not as active a career. But he’s trying to use the relationship as his stress/work/pandemic escape and not realizing she has needs too. I think that the question is, is that because she hasn’t shared and communicated her needs with him directly for him to respond and adjust… or is it because, with his issues, he can’t respect or honor her needs even after they discuss?