Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Do I need to Back off?
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Elvira.
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Leeanna
Hey All,
Let me start this by saying I’ve broken the number one rule of catching feelings for my male friend. Let me also back this up by saying he is one of life’s good guys and has zero game.
He’s my ex from when we were kids. Hadn’t spoken in years, got talking on Facebook and then started hanging out. This happens about 4 to 5 times a week. We go shopping together, we watch movies together, we cook together, we do a lot together, he teases me a lot, he pays me compliments we have really good times together and talk about everything. But he never talks about dating anyone or crushes and I don’t. We just never talk about that subject and has never crossed ‘the line’ with me.
He is in the final stages of a divorce which has been a bit messy (kids and finances), he talks about his ex on/off but they work together, so I guess to some extent that’s to be expected. But she’s come up in conversation a lot lately because she’s moved in with someone new and I think he’s just a little surprised she’s moved on so quick.
But here’s my dilemma. I really enjoy being around him and as I say, I have feelings. But I am worried that after months of hanging out nothing is happening and if I’ve over-invested. I never contact him, he always contacts me. We had a minor falling out a few months ago and he was the one who came back to me to sort things out. But do I cool off a little and let him miss me, do I just keep my cool or am I am completely misreading the situation?
Help!
Newbie
Yeah i think you are totally misreading the situation romantic wise. It seems to me you are filling an emotional void after marriage as in you are his emotional crutch for now. From what you are saying it looks platonic? It doesnt really matter if you are or not. I think the endresult is the same as you wont become his new partner. Playing games like making him miss you seem like a big mistake to me. You assume you can get him playing games like that. But it will backfire.
For me the only option is to tell him how you feel. The answer (most likely not ready to date or commit) gives you the truth you need to hear. Dont waste too much time staying in limbo with this manLiz Lemon
Men who are divorcing, or recently divorced, crave female companionship. They miss the stuff they used to do with their wives. This can include sex not not always. Men don’t have the same relationships with their same sex friends as women do. A guy is not going to go shopping, cook, etc with his guy friends.
It sounds to me like you’ve filled an emotional void for this guy, the flip side of what Newbie is saying. If he’s in the middle of a messy divorce, I strongly doubt he’s got another relationship on his mind. You’re just a safe, comfortable friend he can play “house” with, without having the responsibility/commitment/expectations of a romantic relationship.
Honestly I don’t see this going anywhere. I think if you tell him how you feel, he’ll be surprised. I guess it’s possible he may react positively & be willing to date you, but then you need to be careful you’re not a rebound.
I think the best thing to do is spend less time with him and date other guys. Give him some time to heal from his divorce. I don’t know how long he was married but if he has kids it must have been years. So he’s going to need some time to date and be single before jumping into another relationship.
Elvira
I agree with the others who say this seems more of a friendship. You don’t mention whether or not you and him are intimate or simply hanging out as friends? The fact he is going through a messy divorce and talks about his ex constantly is a clear indicator he needs someone to vent to and you are it. The fact he isn’t speaking about dating or crushes is probably because it is not important for him at this time. Have you had conversations with him about you and him or are you just going with the flow? If you are interested in him as something more than just a friend and he has given you no indication (saying it and showing it) then you should back off, unless you are OK with just being his crutch while he goes through this divorce. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with helping someone who is going through a divorce as a friend but not if you have an interest in him romantically.
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