Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do I tell him I'm seeing other men?
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ANM Staff.
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Kayla
> from 2016
I’ve been dating J for about 6 weeks. He’s told me he doesn’t want a relationship at this time. I’m OK with that right now. I like him and if he wanted a relationship I’d be willing to go that route too, but I’m not heartbroken that he’s not willing at this point. Regardless, I’m not going to wait around for him. So I decided to see another man, D. I’ve been out with D a few times in the last 2 weeks or so. Most recently last night.
I’m not really into D and probably won’t see him again. But, how do I respond to J when he asks what I’m doing? He texted me last night and I was out with D so I didn’t reply until today. He asked what I was up to this weekend and I didn’t really respond. At the time I was laying on my couch watching tv so I told him that was what I was doing at that moment. I avoided any information on what I did last night or what my plans were for tonight. I feel like he may be fishing to find out if I’m seeing someone else. But I feel since he took the relationship status off the table early on, I shouldn’t have to tell him exactly what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with. I just tell him I have plans. Or I’m going out with a friend. I don’t tell him it’s with another man and he hasn’t specifically asked with whom I’ve been spending my time lately.
Should I tell him I am seeing someone else? Or just leave it as “I’m going out with a ‘friend’.” I really like J and if he were willing to go the relationship route I would not be opposed. But if he’s not, I’m not waiting around for him either.
If it matters I have not been intimate with J or D, or anyone lately for that matter. I don’t want to get sexually involved unless a “relationship” is on the horizon.
So, is it best to tell someone you want to be more seriously involved with that you are seeing others, or not?
M
I think you should be honest. You don’t have to tell him what you’re doing if you don’t want to, but don’t lie and say you’re with a friend. Some truthful possible responses… you can also add “Why are you asking?”
I went out.
I had plans.
I went out for (dinner, party, whatever)
I had a date.
Wouldn’t you like to know? <with a smile, of course>
Tell him whatever you want, as long as it’s truthful. He doesn’t need to know you’re dating others but there’s nothing wrong with telling him, either. That is up to your discretion.
Jules
I think if he were to ask, “are you free Friday night?” I would be honest and say, “sorry I have plans”.
Now if he were to outright ask, “what did you do Friday night?” I would again be honest and say, “I went on a date”.
If he asks for specifics I wouldn’t call it going out with a friend, I would call it what it is, a date.
While it’s not suggested or encouraged to date others in order to make another guy step up, I do think if this guy has any desire to change his mind about wanting a relationship with you, hearing that you’re dating others would put a fire underneath him. There’s of course the chance too that he won’t mind at all and in the case, you know his ‘no relationship’ stance is for real.
Also be aware that J might step up like he wants more but not with the intention of changing his feelings about a relationship. He’ll probably do this to scare the other guys off. Even if its just casual, most guys don’t like competition.
You’re smart. Keep dating. Only settle down with someone who can give you what you want.
Kayla
Thank you both. You pretty much validated what I was thinking. I’m not lying when I tell him I have plans. He doesn’t specifically ask what or with whom. I suppose if he does I will just tell him I went on a date.
I agree…it may change things and may not. I guess I’m ok with either scenario at this point.
Thanks again.
Paige
Why are you still holding out hope after this guy told you he didn’t want a relationship?
Raven
If he’s not with you & you’re not in a relationship, it’s nunna-his… Jus sayin’
redcurleysue
I do not think saying you were with a friend is honest….you were with a date.
I would be more forthcoming with him…if he asked and I could not vaguely get around it I would say I was out with a date.
It is honest and direct. He is a big boy and can handle that information. He is probably dating others too.
I do not think you are fooling around with his mind being honest…being honest is being honest. I would not advertise it but I would not hide it either.
Dana
This totally answered my question, Thank you! same situation, he asked what i’m up to Saturday night… I’m just going to be honest and say I have a date… like someone said , he’s a man, he can take it…
Crisula
you keep some things a mystery…leave him wondering..
their imagination runs overtime
Do that, and if they really like you… they’ll step up, before they lose you to another guy.Most importantly of all…you’re not manipulating him.. you just don’t owe him ANY explanation, since he doesn’t want a relationship..remember?
“I was busy” is just fine…if he asks ‘doing what?”
you say ‘why do you want to know?’
boom
See what he says to that ;)
Crisula
Raven thinks the same thing as me
None of his effin’ business
Nat
Ladies, what would you feel if a guy tells you ‘I have a date’? You are still involved, so saying things like that are insulting to another person’s dignity. Nothing good would come out of this answer.
I’d say I am busy with friends. Let him wonder but do not rub his face into a puddle of mud. He said he does not want a relationship, what you should have done is STOP seeing him, telling him call me if you change your mind. But you can’t continue to see him and then inform him about your other dates, it is disrespectful. For him too, it was disrespectful to tell you I don’t want a relationship with you (I because this is what it means, with YOU) and yet continue to string you along.
Behave the way you want to be treated. Be straightforward and do not compromise on integrity. Your own or others.
MariaTheOriginal
totally disagree with Nat. If you have not had the “exclusive” talk and he says he doesn’t want a relationship, I would be upfront and tell him you have a date. If he doesn’t like it, he knows what to do!
MariaTheOriginal
Oh, though I do agree with Nat that you should treat others how you want to be treated– and yes, I would want to know the same from him, so I can make decisions accordingly. The whole “don’t ask don’t tell” is how people get hurt and misunderstandings happen– NOT through open transparency/honesty.
T from NY
MOST importantly I have to state for the record how risky I feel it is to date a man you CARE about and he doesn’t want a relationship with you. It’s excellent and fine and I feel can be empowering to casually date with men you are NOT emotionally invested with. But this kind of dating is going to get you hurt.
I agree you should be upfront about what you’re doing — but I feel it’s important not just because being honest is always important — but because in quasi-relationships like this where a man gets all the benefits of a GF without giving her a label; where the man is basically taking sex, time and affection from you KNOWing you care but doesn’t like you enough to take you off the market or wants to keep a clear path to walk whenever he wants — those types or relationships can get real muddled real fast.
You may avoid talking about what you REALLy are because it hurts you to be reminded or because he will confirm he is still in the same place and you hope his feelings have changed. Complications still occur even when your honest… Because when you tell him about your other dates he may act jealous, possessive, moody or angry. He may even increase the time he wants to see you. He may go back into courting mode and then totally deny if you ask him why. All of those things does not mean he wants a relationship with you. And even if he declares he does — I would be wary why. He may not even know it’s only subconsciously hes territorial and therefore jealous that you were keeping your options open. Of course another risk is you seeing–experiencing his utter lack of feeling or concern when you confirm you are dating others.
All of those sad things can come from dating a man you CARE about who doesn’t make you his GF. Of course be honest about what you’re doing. But most of all be honest with yourself.
Tina
How long have you known j or d for?
How did you met?
Do you personal wanted a relationship with j, but just wanting him to open up and ask you out? Why not let him know how you feel?Tina
I don’t think you should tell j what you have been doing or seeing d. You said you didn’t have sex with either, so just let it be. Otherwise j might want to get angry, mad, aggressive
Noor
Hey what happen to J any progress I’m curious.. as I’m having the exact same situation.. let me know xxx
Amz
When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship and you have feelings for him, it’s a red-flag situation. You can walk away and find someone who does or you can continue to live in hope and experience mixed signals/hurt feelings.
Up to you…
Lisa
I’m sorry, I’m quite blunt in general, not just with guys. I don’t play games. I just tell him directly that I’m seeing a guy. It’s none of his business who I’m seeing. If he’s not ready for a relationship then I move on. I don’t string him along hoping he’ll change his mind and vice versa. I just tell him I need to be with someone who is ready and this guy is ready. You can be my friend if he can handle it or just f off. Sorry my language, but he’s wasting my time.
Lisa
I would also tell him its not working out, don’t know if you’re official or not but if he’s not ready, then I think you should just move on.
tammy
its an old thread
Raven
I posted that this thread is 8 years old & it was removed 🤷🏻♀️
ANM StaffKeymasterOh, dangit. Sorry about the confusion, everyone!
So yeah, as we’ve seen, sometimes people post a response to a years-old topic, and I usually “do something” about that. When the post has a vibe of “hang in there” or “I know this happened in 2016 but what was the end of the story??” I just zap the recent responses and let the topic get reshuffled among its 2016 bretheren. (… I don’t think they’re going to come back to a post from 7 years ago, after all! For all we know the person has gotten married, had a child, and now that child’s old enough to go to school….. ) Or, if I see someone say “hey I’m having this exact same problem and I’m looking for advice” then I usually encourage the person to go ahead and start a fresh thread.
Anyway, in this case, I saw this thread show up with a recent response that had a “hang in there” kinda vibe, and I figured I’d just zap the recent response(s). And I did — but I forget to double check whether the forum actually pushed the topic back to the 2016 era… and it didn’t. So we have this old 2016 topic partying with the 2023 crowd. And now it’s attracted more responses and I feel like I’ll end up messing things up more if I just delete it all, heh.
That’s just a whole bunch of words to say “sorry folks, my bad!”. :)
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