Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do men have to have their life and career sorted out in order to fall in love?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by
Lane.
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Love
I started dating my boyfriend in June 2021. He seemed so interested in me at the start and used to tell me how stunning I was. His friends said he talked nice things about me all the time.
During the relationship, he was trying to sort his life out. Didn’t have the job he wanted and didn’t live in a good house. He had hardly any money to live from. He kept talking about improving his life but never seemed to enjoy the present. He had a new career idea every week. In fact, he never took me on dates and I don’t know why I accepted that at the time. I guess I was being patient and understanding. Sometimes I felt more like a mother to him, I was very helpful and caring. I would do a lot for him and put in time and effort
Anyway, despite the love and support I showed him, he pulled away and became distant at the start of the year. I thought I was imagining it, as he wouldn’t talk about it. He seemed quite withdrawn and depressed, nothing excited him and he never left the house apart from to see me.
He ended the relationship last week and said he didn’t love me and was with me out of loneliness. I feel hurt by this and can’t help think I’m just not good enough.
I used to see him liking and commenting on other women’s Instagram photos even when we were dating. It was nothing sexual or flirty, it’s just he didn’t know these women so I don’t know why he would do this?
if this is a ‘him’ problem, or is it that I am not attractive enough most likely?
Anonymous
It’s him. You are right he is not in the right state to begin with when you started dating.
It’s not that you are not attractive. You are not secure enough to let go of what’s not good enough for you.
I hope you’ll find the right one, but the right starts from within.
Love
It just feels so hurtful and I feel worthless. He showed me so much attention at the start and by the end even though he never put effort in, he seemed so annoyed by me.
Is it likely that he can’t love anyone at this stage of his life?
mama
Damaged people hurt other people with their damage. His actions do not have anything to do with you — it’s all his own baggage and issues. NOT YOU.
That’s a tough lesson to learn for many of us. Another lesson is that we don’t have the right to wreak havoc on others with our own damage — that’s something your ex needs to learn, and it’s why you are hurting right now.
That’s also why it’s best to do the personal, internal work before you get into serious relationship with someone. You feel devalued by this guy’s own issues and that’s not being fair or kind to yourself. Work on gaining back your own power and esteem. When you are in a better place, explore why you felt it was okay to stay in a relationship of convenience. Start giving yourself that love and attention you deserve, and eventually you’ll have little tolerance of people who don’t value you.
Good luck. :)
Maddie
It’s him. And it’s not that men need their life and career sorted out first, though it helps. It is very specifically they need THEMSELVES sorted out, which means not insecure, taking adult responsibility for themselves and their own needs, and being fully emotionally available. They need to be a mature enough and emotionally whole person, coming together with another whole person for a healthy relationship, not looking for someone to complete or mother them (or you get a situation like this guy who is using people for validation). I’ve met many men who had their careers in order but still found excuses to flake out like this because they hadn’t attended to their other issues, which wasn’t obvious at all under their outward success until you got to know them.
Mama and anonymous are right and giving good advice. Your post indicates you’re looking to him to define all your value, and now that he’s gone you feel worthless. Why does he get to decide who you are instead of you deciding your own worth??? It’s time for you to take some steps to rebuild your own self-esteem, or you’ll keep unintentionally choosing emotionally unavailable men.
Lane
The answer is yes, men can and do fall in love when they are not in a good spot in life but the difference is whether or not it makes him WANT TO improve his life because he knows he will lose the woman if he doesn’t. This woman, however, inspires a man to better himself by doing nothing but giving him a little wiggle room to change it, if not, you dump him! If a man isn’t moving mountains, like my ex husband and current partner did when we met as they were both going through life struggles, yet they turned it around by taking big steps to show and prove to me it was temporary and were capable of being a good partner. I would have bailed early if all my ex husband and current BF did was mope and whine about life, and did absolutely nothing as I had no desire to be chained to a loser just so they can drag me down with them. That was your mistake and life lesson you should never repeat.
He was essentially telling you over and over he wasn’t in a good spot in life, or make a good partner because he had no desire to change it. You unfortunately took the role of Ms. Co-dependent and tried to “fix him” which is never a healthy mindset to be in, in any relationship, especially with a taker, which he is!
From hereon never take on a man’s problems or try to fix them. Let them continue to show and prove to you what a great partner he is, or he will lose you, because believe it or not, men are happiest when you allow them solve their own issues/problems and they do the majority of “giving” in a relationship, the moment they stop, its over. I learned the hard lesson of what not to do in my marriage when I unwittingly evolved into a Co-dependent and am now doing the opposite with my current partner of 6+ years and its been the happiest and heathiest relationship I’ve ever been in :o)
Stop taking on a man’s drudgery, its not your lot in life to fix or solve. However, learning how not to become a co-dependent, what I define as “trying to create order out of disorder” is, so tackle that now and how to set stronger boundaries on what kind of men (opposite of his mentality) you allow in your life is the best gift you can give yourself.
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