Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do the same rules apply ?
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P.
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P
Hi I’ve known that I’m Pansexual since I was in my early 20s I’m now mid 40s. I’m attracted to a person and their gender doesn’t matter to me. I’m not drawn to many people. I haven’t had a relationship with another women since I was in my early 20s. I’ve been married for nearly 20 years.
I have been divorced for a couple of years now and I met a woman who is very interested in me as I am in her. The thing is we have only been on one date and we are both wanting a second but I’m not used to the romantic and enthusiastic talk. She texts that she can’t wait to hold my hand next time. She is very excited about the potential of us. I’m used to men being more low key and I can’t t imagine a man saying he can’t wait to hold my hand etc. I know women are generally more expressive, but I’m not sure if the same rules of dating apply when you place them against a woman?
She is texting me a lot, she is excited. I’m a bit more reserved and waiting to see what happens but she is already talking about if we go on a 3rd date when we are only going on our second this weekend.
I have realised in the last couple of years that I’m not really romantic, and I am more reserved and less expressive with my feelings, either with a man or a woman.
This woman and I have so much in common, I feel happy in her company, she is very thoughtful and funny and beautiful. It will take me a few dates to work out how I feel about her as this is how I work. It’s not only about looks but an emotional connection that I need.
So do the same dating rules apply? Should I be wary of someone that is openly expressive of how keen they are to date me? If it was a man I would think he was playing me for sex. This I don’t think is the case here. I think she is just really romantic and getting a bit ahead of herself. I’ve told her I want to take it slow and just get to know her but she hinted that she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me.
Does anyone have any thoughts ?
T from NY
In most relationships it is typical for one person to be either more keen, more expressive, more ready etc. and for there to be one distancer, while one more the pursuer. This can also flux over time with roles going back and forth. Relationships are an organic thing and a journey. What’s most important is always striving to maintain your autonomy and do what’s best for you – while allowing the other person to be themselves – and just watching and waiting to see how you feel about their words and actions.
Right now it seems it will be up to you to pace this new connection. Do what feels right without giving much energy to how the other person will take it. If they are the person for you, they will acknowledge, respond appropriately by adapting to your comfort level. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new possibility. But it doesn’t always mean the person is unrealistic or unhealthy. They may just be a more emotive, sensual person.
Try not to overthink things. Don’t judge yourself for slowing it down. And absolutely don’t think you’re doing anything wrong if this person doesn’t respond well to your pacing. Enjoy the attention! It doesn’t have to mean you’ll be swept up with no way out. You’re always in control.
P
Thank you so much T from NY.
That has helped a lot :)
Lane
i had to look up what “pansexual” that meant lol. I think T said it well, whereas its best to just take it date by date within your comfort level. As an FYI, men can be this way too haha.
P
We had a second date, which was great and I was really looking forward to it. I’m not sure about a couple of things though.
She told me the day after our second date she had deactivated her dating account. She stopped talking to others after our first date. She is very new to online dating and has only been on them for a few weeks. She is very keen. This felt a bit quick to me ?
I have been very clear that I will not rush intimacy. Holding hands etc is fine for me and I enjoyed that but I want to get to know her first. She has respected that but it threw her that I wasn’t ready to kiss her yet.
I know that usually on the first or second date there is an end of night kiss. But I’m not wanting that yet. I’m not sure if this is a bad sign on my behalf? I usually struggle with kissing someone on the first few dates. I explained to her online dating is odd to me as normally IRL there would be a slower of getting to know someone and seeing them in their own environment. It makes intimacy feel rushed for me.
We really have a lot in common. We can think of so many dates that we would both love. We click well and laugh hard at things.
I don’t want to lead her on. I really like her but I’m a fair way off getting sexually close eg Passionate kissing. I’m not sure if I’m not i retested or I need more time. I’m
Not sure what to do. I would like to see how I feel after a few more weeks or so. Is it ok to take your time on these things ?
Should I want to be kissing by the end of date 2?Newbie
You dont seem very exited but, you only had two dates so i feel you are way overthinking and she is way overinvested.
I cant tell if you really like her romantically. Maybe you were flattered by her attention. Only you can tell the difference between your personality or the lack of chemistryLiz Lemon
I love what T from NY said!
But I understand your discomfort. This woman sounds extremely keen, which in and of itself isn’t bad, but it sounds like it might be too much for you.
I’m generally the more expressive/enthusiastic person in my relationship, and my boyfriend is the more reserved, cautious one. So I understand the dynamic. But even I would be put off by a guy who stopped dating others and removed his dating profile after 1-2 dates. It would feel very rushed to me.In your case I think it creates a lot of pressure which will only make you pull back and slow things down even more. If she weren’t so keen, you might actually be more into her? I have learned with my boyfriend that less is more– he’s actually more comfortable expressing affection with me if I don’t go totally over the top with my affection to him– so he is able to give me more if I don’t overwhelm him with my affection, if that makes sense. Maybe you are wired similarly, I don’t know.
I think it’s OK to not be sure if you want to passionately kiss her after 2 dates, and to want a little more time. But the question is whether she will be OK with it. Is this your first time dating since your divorce? And it’s been decades since you were last intimate with a woman, right? Do you think that could have something to do with it– maybe you just need to ease into things really slowly since you’re just getting back in the game?
P
Thank you for your replies. T from NY did nail it I agree.
I have dated men but I have found I’m a bit different with women. I’m treating it like a new friendship and meeting her half way with the intimacy, hand holding and I plan to let a kiss happen this date if it feels right. Anything sexual for me is months away. She seems fine with that.
She is over enthusiastic, dating is brand new to her, not to me though so I feel a bit wiser by not getting too invested at the 3 date stage. I’m cautious but excited to see where it goes. I agree Liz I’m used to the push and pull. Dating women feels very different, there seems to be less guessing and more open discussion.
Thank you for all the advice!
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