Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do you think I really love her?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Maddie.
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Mark
Question here I’d really like help with.
I was dating a woman, woman A, for about a year who I was crazy about. She’s beautiful, kind, loving, funny and gets me in a way no one else ever has before. We had the best relationship I ever had, but I wasn’t ready to fully commit to her.
While she was amazing, everything else in my life was bad. Terrible job, no money and I felt like a failure in life. A chance at another job thousands of miles away for big bucks and a free apartment came up and I was seduced by the money and took the job. Looking back, leaving this girl was the biggest regret of my life.
Anyway, I got settled into my new life and although I missed her a lot, finally having money and a good job felt great. I built a pretty fast circle of friends and really enjoyed the lifestyle.
I made friends with another woman, woman B and we started hanging out all the time. I was not attracted to her sexually or romantically but she was really nice and I liked hanging out with her. Due to being in a new place we quickly started doing everything together and this developed into a sexual relationship after many months of hanging out as friends.
I’d not really classify this as a relationship, because there was no dating or romance or even the basics of affection like holding her or kissing, but we just spent all our time together and had sex on weekends. I didn’t feel in love with this woman, but I did feel a bond with her based on spending so much time together and her being so nice to me and so fun to be around.
I remember over that time that although I wasn’t in love with woman B, I felt happier than I have ever felt, because my life which had always been a struggle in general was the best it had been – in terms of finances, lifestyle, job and so on and that was something I have never, ever had in my life and it felt great.
That feeling was short lived though, because after a few months of this perfect lifestyle with no problems and woman B who I was spending 24/7 with, I realized that I was sharing paradise with completely the wrong person, and so it felt empty and kind of meaningless.
So I broke it off with Woman B and flew home to tell woman A that I loved her, I was sorry for ever leaving her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She felt the same and we made plans for me to find a job nearby her and for us to have a second chance.
This should be the happy ending of this story, but after a couple of months I just started second guessing the whole thing. A lot of negative thoughts. Like, what if she hurts me? What if she leaves me? What if it doesn’t work out and I am stuck back in that crappy grind of a life I wasn’t happy in?
Woman B being gone overnight (as we previously did everything together 24 / 7) was hard to adjust to and I felt lonely and missed the emotional connection with her. Socially it felt weird not being part of “a couple” because we had so many mutual friends and did everything together for a long time.
I don’t even think I really miss woman B (or I wouldn’t miss her if woman A was here) but I miss that feeling I had when I felt I’d found a good life with security and how great it felt briefly, and to be giving it all up “for love” seems like a really risky and scary prospect.
I am conflicted now, because if I truly loved woman A, would I be missing woman B or even thinking of her at all? And if I really loved woman A, why am I feeling so negative about the future and worried about it instead of excited and happy?
Can anyone help me understand this?
The idea of a life without woman A is basically anguish for me, I can’t imagine being without her or ever stopping loving her, but my life in general is going to be so much worse I am worried that love isn’t enough.
Maddie
The issue isn’t the women, it’s your lack of self-esteem, your connection with yourself and comfort in knowing what you want in life, and how you feel about yourself. You don’t feel good about yourself, and while the external stuff helped (good job, money, some security), it didn’t fully fill in some deeper issues you have with yourself. Neither Woman A nor Woman B can do that for you either, so looking to either one to fill in your gaps won’t entirely eliminate the doubt. But again, since the doubt isn’t actually about Woman A it’s about yourself, you can fix it if you want. Now that you’re stable, you have the money and space in your head to do something about this, and investing in a therapist will probably really help. I know what I’m saying may seem disconnected from how you’re feeling, but ALL this stuff is ALWAYS connected, even if it doesn’t seem obvious or intuitive at first.
I also don’t understand how woman A moving there will actually make your life worse. But another pro-tip is love isn’t just longing and how longing for someone feels, it’s commitment and showing up for someone you care about, being whole on your own but choosing to be together because the relationship makes both your lives even better. If you expect a relationship or being part of a couple to strongly define your life, instead of you defining your life, you’ll have expectations that are impossible for someone else to meet so something will always feel off.
Tallspicy
You selfish jerk. Please go to a therapist to sort this out so you stop hurting people with your selfish ways. Jeez. Sorry for not being more polite or kind, but jeez, all about you.
Raven
Geez Dave, you’re back- really?!
Peggy
You do not know what you want. I do not understand why you flew to woman A and declared your love but offered to move back to her, instead of asking her to move to you. You said the new career and city etc. made you much happier. So why “go backwards” to a place/lifestyle that did not work for you?
You maybe have low self- esteem, are insecure,but I read this as you having commitment issues.
If woman A was so perfect and wonderful and you loved her so much..you should have asked her to move with you to the new city/job. But you broke up and ran away!
Then you found a substitute woman but decided she was not as good as A. So,you trot back to A and then when you hook her again….start back-pedaling. You are not in a place to date. Break it off with both ladies and get some therapy or this will be the pattern of your life. You will be unhappy to commit and unhappy not to…and hurt and confuse a lot of good women.Erin
You’re not ready to commit, try not to hurt anyone in the process. Handle your stuff without making anyone pay for it
Mark
It would have been ideal if woman A could have come with me, or could move here, that would be the happiest thing I could imagine.
Impossible though, as she has a teenage child in school and can’t move.
Ewa
I am really disappointed that this woman A actually took you back…
Peggy
She has a teenage child in school and was impossible for her to move. Not impossible, but she was putting the child’s needs first. Understandable, especially if she was not sure you would stay committed/commit once she moved.
People that want something to work, make it work. I have a dear friend who has been engaged since 2018. They had plans tp marry once the kids were finished high school, as they lived in two different cities an hour’s drive apart.
An issue arose where her fiance’s teenagers were having problems coping with life and were getting into trouble. They as a couple, decided he should move back to his old home town where the kids had Grandparents and more family, including their mom, around.
This was a 6 hour drive,one way so limited their time together,and then Covid hit and they had to isolate,not travel etc. They did not see each other until recently-well over a year. Yet they remained committed to their families and each other.
Maybe this is an extreme example. However people that truly love and need each other will find a way to make it work. It takes maturity,patience and a non- selfish attiude.Maddie
I misread who was moving, but it doesn’t change my advice. You moving reluctantly and begrudgingly will probably sink your relationship. Looking for problems before you even get back to her is a sabotage mechanism. Either work on yourself so you feel good about yourself and the choices you make or don’t move back there and drag her through another break up. Not agreeing on where to live and not having life stages match up is a fundamental incompatibility, and plenty of people have let each other go for less. Good luck.
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