Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Do you think we have a chance?
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AngieBaby.
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Queenie
Hey all.
I’ve been ‘dating’ someone for about 2 months + now and I genuinely like the guy. We have a lot in common, and have awesome conversations, similar life goals etc. We both have our kids the majority of the time, him 100% (minus when he goes on dates or does his thing, his kids are older) and me 70%.
When there’s a long gap (1-2wks) between dates, (we both take our kids on vacas or weekend trips, separately of course) he always messages me everyday and/or calls me once the kids are in bed.
I really like him, and feel like we can make it work, balancing our family lives / work / dating, but am I being naive?
I like that we are taking things slow. It stinks that we can’t see each other more than a couple times a month, but that is life with kids full time , etc.
We’ve briefly chatted about what we both want ultimately (just in general, haven’t asked the relationship question because I think it’s still far too soon) and inevitably we both want a serious relationship.
I don’t have any desire to date multiple ppl at the same time, simply because I don’t have the time! Do you think taking it nice and slow like we are, is an appropriate speed for people in our circumstances?
Thanks!Liz Lemon
I think it sounds lovely. Given that you both have your kids the majority of the time (him 100% of the time), I would expect things to move slowly. It sounds like you communicate well & enjoy each other’s company. I understand not having the capacity to date multiple people, I don’t think you should feel pressure to do that given everything on your plate.
As for whether you can make it work long term (or “whether you have a chance”, as you say), that remains to be seen. It’s very early days yet. Even if you were both more free to date, two months in is very early and hard to predict if it will last. I assume your kids haven’t met yet– that’s another thing you’ll have to navigate when the time comes. But don’t overthink it for now, I’d say. You’re only about 2 months in. Just keep getting to know each other & see where it goes.
AngieBaby
I would say this is the #1 mistake women posting here for advice make – they get into a guy too fast. Too fast in terms of time and too fast in terms of before he’s really all in, because they take longer to decide if they see a future with you or not.
The other big mistake is to assume they’re the GF because he’s acting like a BF and/or they’re spending a lot of time together.
A woman recently posted here who’d been dating a guy for three years (both with full lives and kids, like you two), and in the past year he’s downgraded her – less time with her and not bringing her around his kids any longer. She was working up the courage to have a talk with him. We never heard back from her. I take it that means it didn’t go well. My guess was she was going to hear he liked things the way they were, or he didn’t see a future with her.
I understand you don’t want to multi-date. But it feels like you may be on the verge of putting all your stones into one bucket prematurely here.
Are you clear on what you want? Do you want marriage? Does he? Are you both done having children?
Most importantly… Would it be, in theory, possible on a practical level for you two to blend your lives?
Just make sure you know the answers to those things at this stage, and keep watching and listening… and HAVING FUN with him!! Don’t be all in and 100% sold on being with him quite yet.
Queenie
I am definitely not all in. I’ve had my fair share of mistakes and poor relationships. I guess my question was ambiguous. I didn’t mean to come off that ‘I think he’s the one’ status. I’ve been single for a few years and fell into fast and hard relationships in the past so this nice and slow style is new to me, and I am enjoying it. It’s no pressure, no obligation, just fun for now. I guess I was seeking outside perspective.
Queenie
Thank you Liz, I appreciate your perspective and think you hit the nail on the head!
Raven
Breathe…
Liz Lemon
Going slow is fine, especially when you have kids involved. Only fools rush in, and all that ;-) The thing to observe is whether things seem to be escalating/growing, even if the pace is slow due to circumstances.
I remember the poster AngieBaby is referring to. The poster had been involved with the guy for 3 years but instead of the relationship moving forward, it was moving backwards (she hadn’t seen his kids in a year, if I recall! After previously having done group activities with both his and her kids involved).
You are nowhere near that point, obviously. The thing to do for now is just wait, continue to enjoy the guy’s company, and be OK with taking things slow. Don’t overthink it. Most relationships need at least 3-4 months of dating to become solid (that’s why many people break up by the 3-4 month mark), in your case it might take a bit longer since you can’t see each other as much because of the kids. There’s no hard and fast rule.
AngieBaby
I didn’t mean to suggest the OP is anywhere near like the other woman in the 3 year relationship. I’m saying that’s what can happen in some cases if you get all in too fast and you’re not clear on what’s going on and you’re assuming you’re together and progressing because you spend time together. That was a sad situation and she never posted an update so probably didn’t end well, although I could be wrong about that. She wasn’t seeing the writing on the wall that was clear to the rest of us.
OP, it sounds the start of something nice here. But as Liz says, it’s very early days. Read this site and you learn the 3-4 month mark is make or break on the guy’s side, and statistically it’s more often break which is normal, but given you don’t see each other very often, it could take longer. YOu’re in the best position to gauge – trust your own instincts!!
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