Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Does he only want me when it's convenient?
- This topic has 21 replies and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by
Vickie.
-
AuthorPosts
-
RB
I ran into a guy that I dated in high school (13 years ago) 2 months ago, He started texting me and asked me out. We’ve been dating for the past two months. We have lots of chemistry, passion, etc, and things have been surprisingly great. He text pretty much everyday and we see each other 2/3 times a week. Either I stay the night with him or he stays with me. About two weeks ago he told me he’d be over at my house around 7ish and by 8:30 he hadn’t shown up and I had not heard a word from him. I sent him a text asking if everything was ok and he sent me a text saying he would be there shortly. He showed up around 9:30. I was a bit heated when he showed up, but kept my cool and let him know that when he shows up 2 hours late it makes me feel like he doesn’t appreciate me or my time. He apologized and told me he wouldn’t do it again, and the matter was dropped and we went on as we were before. He asked me to be his Valentine about a week after that, to which I said yes. Well this past Sunday we were talking and he asked what my schedule was because he wanted to know when he could see me, so I gave him my schedule, and then I didn’t hear a word from him. (which is very unlike him). The next day he text me that afternoon and says Good afternoon beautiful, and ask how I am. I respond that I’m good and ask how he is. He never responds again. Today (Tuesday) which is Valentine’s Day and I don’t hear a word from him until this afternoon, when he text me happy v-day along with a few other things. I’m a bit upset by this point so I keep it short but sweet and text back Happy V-Day and I hope he’s having a good day. He tells me he misses me, and tells me he has a game out of town today and that he’s sorry, but that he wishes he was here with me. (He’s a basketball coach). I continue to keep it short and tell him No worries, and good luck on their games. He sends another message asking when I can see him. At this point I’m pretty pissed (mainly bc he seems oblivious to the fact that he’s given me a cold shoulder the past couple of days and it’s v-day and he’s telling me half way through the day he won’t be around). I gave him my schedule two days ago b/c he asked for it only to have him not respond at all. So I tell him I’m not sure when I can see him b/c my week is pretty busy and I don’t have my schedule in front of me. He sends a simple “oh” back as a response. And I’m not responding back anymore. I don’t like playing games. My week really is busy, and since he didn’t respond to my schedule after he asked for it, I made the assumption that he either didn’t want to see me or had other things planned already. I’m not usually needy, and I don’t appreciate someone making me feel like they don’t appreciate my time or understanding that I have other things going on in my life besides them. I like him a lot, and I do have to say I did catch myself caring a lot more than I expected myself to, and I have to admit that scares me because it bothered me not hearing back from him both of those days. Am I handling this appropriately, or do I need to do something differently?
RB
He texted me just a few minutes ago asking if I was awake. I didn’t respond, and he then immediately sent another text telling me I didn’t seem like I wanted to see him and asking if everything was ok. I still haven’t responded. I’m not sure the best way to handle this. I don’t think I want to do it over text, but should I since he text me asking me these things? What do I tell him?
Crisula
RB
YOU need to stop playing games. I don’t think he is
Some guys are flakes…they don’t think of every little detail like we do…cut him a bit of slack
I think you have formed good boundaries with him, regarding being late, etc. Needed to be done.
He adores you…
If you want to text him back and chat…text him back..
If you feel too irritated..text that’ll you’ll chat later onFocus more on what he has…not what he lacks
RB
Do you really think he adores me? I just can’t understand how you can “flake” on valentines day. I would have been fine not doing anything today had he just let me know in advance. I’m usually pretty easy going, but I felt like this was just too flaky I guess. I do have to agree with you that I know I need to focus on what he has, not what he lacks, because he is an amazing guy, I’m just a bit shocked in the sudden changes.
Lee Ann
When you do talk to him, could you just frame it as something like– given that we are both so busy and have so much going on, it would be really helpful if we could be more communicative with each other about our schedules and plans in advance? I’m sure it wasn’t your intent, but I sort of felt left hanging on VDay, which would have been fine had a known up front, but I really need us to plan a bit better so we don’t have misunderstandings…. something along those lines.
Linda
I’m so confused lol. Do you have this same post somewhere else?
Sam
This is so immature. Talk on the phone and stop pouting.
Be an adult and talk to him to figure out when you can see each other next.And stop the crap about valentines. Are you a 16 year old? The guy had work to do.
This is why relationships fail. Women act like idiots.
Joe
You’ve only been dating two months and already you’re going to pressure him about schedules and advance notice? Guys are more laid back and if you can’t be more easy going and go with the flow, he’s going to drop you. Guys hate drama!
Sam
This is one of those situations where the woman pouts and expects the man to grovel.
But most time, instead, he walks away. You are acting like a child instead of communicating. Men are not into valentines. It’s a silly Hallmark holiday.
If a man thinks he can’t make you happy or that you are going to make his life miserable , he won’t be hanging around.
RB
It’s not that I’m trying to pressure him, it’s that I have a hectic life right now, which I normally don’t. I’m currently in the last couple of weeks of cancer treatment. I have surgery in the middle of next week, and this is my last full week to get all of my work finished. He knows about all of this, he asked a couple of weeks ago if he could come to my surgery which I said yes, but hasn’t brought it up sense. Normally I’m not sure uptight/needy, but this situation is a little different for me, and being sick makes me feel a bit more vulnerable.
carlotta
RB, you’ve not lied to him but you’ve also not been truthful. You’ve been sending him short but what would otherwise read as pleasant texts for the most part, then you were short with him after he specifically asked when he could see you. You’ve been sitting there getting more and more angry without actually talking to him about ANY of your concerns/issues as if he should just magically know them. Then when he asks you if everything is okay, you don’t even answer him? This is one of the number one things men complain about with women, they don’t communicate and expect men to just figure out what is wrong. You haven’t been open and honest with him about your feelings, in spite of him actually seeming like the rare guy that would actually listen to them. Men, even people in generally, don’t magically pick up on things. If you are upset with him it’s your responsibility to tell him and not act like short texts are going to send some kind of message. Grow up and talk to him about all this.
Phillygirl
In this case was I’m in disagreement with others. While I do agree you need to speak (talk, not text) honestly about this, I would NOT be sweeping this under the rug.
This is why we date. To see if there is enough compatibility, values and mutual interest to continue seeing someone.
It’s only two months, and this guy is pulling this nonsense? If he had a valid explanation along with the apology for being 2 hours late that time, I’d be willing to listen, but if he acted like its no big deal, was in any way behaving shady or gave me reason to think he doesn’t respect me and my time…..ummm NO.
We teach people how to treat us by how we treat them and by what we allow, reinforce, or put a stop to.
I don’t see this as him trying. I see him playing games (at least based on what little the OP has shared).
I look at dating like I am the CEO of my life (it sounds very serious but it’s a bit tongue in cheek). What I mean is, a guy is basically interviewing and on probation for the position of BF (or whatever you are looking for) to see if we are a good match, especially in the first few months. Blatant disrespect, dishonesty or signs we aren’t compatible in important ways are watched and noted. 3 strikes in any major category…they’re out.
I don’t mean little non-essential stuff. But I consider this guy’s flakiness a big red flag.
I am glad she is paying attention and not willing to tolerate it. This is called boundaries ladies.
It is not our job to be accommodating when someone is disrespectful of our time or good nature. Nor is it our job to stuff it down when someone is dismissive and can’t be honest and transparent.
These are the things to be aware of, and put a stop to when they occur. You don’t even have to get really nasty about it. Just calm and firm.
If a guy showed up to my place 2 hours late with no (really good) explanation, I would have cancelled on him. Told him I’m sorry but I had no idea what was going on and I don’t tolerate such behavior without a phone call and heads up.
If a guy has the nerve to be ticked off at me for having reasonable standards, he’s no good.
This is exactly the stuff you want to determine early on, and weed out the time wasters.
This guy would be on major thin ice with me. He’s either
-very stupid and inconsiderate
-wasn’t raised to be a gentleman or considerate of others
-or, he’s deliberately rude has no consideration towards you and your timeNone of which I find acceptable.
I’d calmly let him know why this behavior is unacceptable. Then he can leave and stay gone, or step up, sincerely apologize, and knock this crap off. And if the flakiness or disappearing without a call a reasonable explanation happened again… he’d be history.
Standing up for yourself isn’t being a b#tch. It’s called self respect. But ignoring him is just playing games.
Ladies need to learn the difference between being easygoing, or a fool/doormat.
Men don’t respect a woman who tolerates nonsense and you won’t respect yourself either. Without respect a downward spiral begins.
Stand up for yourself, calmly making your boundaries crystal clear. You don’t need him, but you’d like to see where this goes if you can both get on the same page.
Otherwise, sayonara
Sam
Do you always communicate only with text?
Newbie
I dont think you are needy lol, its more the opposite. This guy seems ok but yeah maybe he is fading. It can happen.
But for now i would keep it simple: just say, yeah im ok but busy with all i have to do before surgery and i expected is to do something on v day because you asked and when it turned out you werent in town i was a bit frown with thatPhillygirl
One other point needs to be made.
I treat people with the respect and consideration I wish to be given, so there is not a double standard in my mind.
If I am going to (and am) treating you well, I expect no less in return. That is fair, reasonable and demonstrates healthy boundaries
Sam
Philly always has sound advice.
But what baffles me is that’s you communicate all this over text.
Phillygirl
I agree with Sam. Stop freakin texting!! Speak like two human adults.
That’s your first problem and why their is so much miscommunication.
IMHO if two people can’t navigate an honest in person (or at the very least) phone conversation…you aren’t mature or emotionally ready to date.
Texting and not talking is ridiculous!!!!
RB
Thanks everyone. Yes, we mainly talk over text when we aren’t together, which I don’t like, and will talk to him about changing. When he texted me last night asking if something was wrong it was very late – after midnight – and they had just gotten home from their game. I didn’t want to get into it in the middle of the night, and over text, thats why I didn’t respond. I text him this morning and told him that I was very busy and since I hadn’t heard from him a couple of days ago when I gave him my schedule, my week had gotten booked up. I also told him to call me later today. He made me aware at the beginning of all of this that he is very busy (he’s a teacher, basketball coach, and in the middle of getting his doctorate). I’m very aware of those things, and I’m fine with the fact that he’s busy, I just need clear communication so I know whats going on, and I really don’t think thats too much to ask. I’ll talk to him about that one more time and then see what happens for their. I know what I deserve and what I don’t, I just want to make sure I handle the situation as well as possible. Thanks again for all of your advice!
alia
He sounds like a regular guy. I think because the dreaded Valentines Day was on a Tuesday, it threw things off, also. I do think you’re overacting. And although you know him from high school, you’re only dating a couple months. I would give him a break. And I would severely limit texting communication altogether, only use phone to make plans.
April
agree with the other ladies, discuss this in person.
T from NY
I agree with Philly and the poster. This guy is being flaky and disrespectful. He asked her to be his Valentine! He also asked her her schedule — then — nothing! Sure maybe he likes her and then got busy and didn’t communicate in a timely fashion. But he’s a grown ass man and knows he should have let his ‘Valentine’ know he wouldn’t be taking her to dinner or something else due to his game.
But it’s also up to you as adult to communicate your expectations and feelings. Talking is preferable to text. Keeping it very simple and without excess emotion you could simply say — Im sorry if I have seemed a little off. I think I hoped we would have made plans for the week in advance and thought we were doing so when you asked my schedule. It would make me happy to communicate better about plans in the future. And then let it go. See if he steps up.
Vickie
Dear RB,
First off, I wish you all the best on your cancer treatment and your surgery.
With everything you are going through right now, dramas with a guy should be the last thing to care about.
My take on this is:
If you are BF/GF, he is not supporting enough. On the other hand, men can’t read mind, you need to communicate your feelings better. If you need him, tell him. If you want to see him, tell him you want to see him.
If you are Not BF/GF yet, his behaviors are normal, you guys are both testing the water. But still, communication is one of the main factors in ANY relationships.
You sound set your boundaries, that’s very good. But you are not communicate clear enough.
Good luck. -
AuthorPosts
