Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Does he really feel this way?
- This topic has 38 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Sheila.
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tammy
pleas don’t do what your sister said. that’s bad advice for sure. you don’t want to be a part of this bad drama. he wants you to react and your holding back from stooping down to his level. that’s probably causing him to do more shocking things. if your mad enough at him to wanna get back at him for his crappy behavior the best thing for you would be to simply ignore. that sure as hell is driving him crazy. :-). easier said than done but do you best not to get drawn into these nasty exchanges with your husband.
Liz Lemon
Tammy is totally right. Don’t give him the satisfaction! He’s trying to provoke a response out of you. You absolutely don’t want to get sucked into his drama. And if you contact this woman, she very well may be crazy as he is and you might have HER contacting you and harassing you, in addition to him. I had an ugly divorce, cheating was not involved but abuse was, and my ex kept upping the ante and trying to get me to react to his bull$hit. I refused to give him the satisfaction, all he got was stony silence from me. That’s absolutely the best thing you can do. I know it’s hard!
Feel free to come here and post instead, to vent your feelings if you feel the urge to respond to this guy. And save all the evidence, any abusive emails/voicemails/texts, anything he sends in writing. Keep a diary of when he contacts you and what he says. If he calls you to berate you, write down the date/time and summarize what he said. This will be incredibly useful in your divorce, trust me. In a way his acting like a total jerk is just going to make things easier for you when you divorce, but only if you take the high ground and don’t engage or sink to his level.
Andrea
Thank you all so much! This is what I truly needed in this moment!
I was doing good…and still will…it came in last night around 11pm …I get it, he found someone great, but I don’t need to know about it. That’s too much energy on HIS part….doesn’t make sense to send me that stuff.
Something in me felt like she needed to know that he was showing photos of them naked…so I attempted and searched for her in my anger moment. Saw that she follows his store fb page. But they aren’t friends (and they aren’t going to Hawaii either…he just made that up..)…then the bigger part of me just took a deep breath and said no to myself and went to bed. I was THAT angry. But I will just let her find out what a ” Wonderful man” he is on her own.
Thank you all so very much…this was the strength I needed. I’ll be fine.
Erin
Wow what an as*hole! I have no words for this.
If it was possible to divorce him twice in one go …
He’s clearly not over you and those poor women are being user as pawns while you live rent free in his head. He sounds like a classic narcissist, right now he’s hurting a lot of people in his wake to do.. Whatever.
Tell him to talk to your lawyer if he has something to say and block his trifling as*
Shelia
I’m really glad you didn’t message the girl. I can understand how it’s be really tempting but, I agree with the other ladies, that’s what he wants…he doesn’t like that you’re not responding to him.
It’s strange that he would send you those things to you. He must really think you are out here doing what he’s doing. Did I read that right that they’re not actually going to Hawaii? Like, wtf? Why even make that up?
Liz Lemon
This doesn’t surprise me at all. The reverse actually happened to me– my ex made up ridiculous lies about ME, his new girlfriend contacted me because she was as loony as he was, and was shocked to talk to me and find out everything he had told her was a lie. He had told her huge outrageous lies about me (making himself the victim, of course), she bought into everything he said, and she was blown away to find out none of it was true when she actually spoke to me. Because she was just as nutty and unstable as he was!
Don’t get sucked into his lies. Don’t believe anything he says. He’s trying desperately to hurt you, that’s why he’s saying outrageous things to you (about finding this “queen” or the love of his life, or whatever). Just roll your eyes when you read that $hit. It’s a lie. If it were true, he wouldn’t feel the urge to reach out to you and rub it in your face. When I got together with my current boyfriend and fell head over heels for him, I felt no urge whatsoever to reach out to my previous ex-boyfriend, or any other exes, and rub it in his face, because I was just happy and focused on the present. If someone is emotionally healthy, they don’t play these games. This guy is a mess and you should be glad you’re freeing yourself of him.
Andrea
Erin, Tammy, and shelia,
Thank you! Yes he’s a real piece of…well…you know! I wish I was making this stuff up but this is the reality unfortunately lol. I’m very happy we aren’t together. Being with him, I was miserable, upset at thinking I wasn’t supportive enough or anything I DID wasn’t enough. He truly broke me in some ways but the second I moved out and got my place, I was relieved and started to rebuild my self esteem. I knew that under normal circumstances, how I am is just fine but of course I’m far from perfect. Lol. But…here we are. I understand that I still have a ways to go and I intend on investing it in me. I consider myself to be stronger than this. It’s still fresh but I KNOW I’m better off. I just really want the divorce process to speed up. (((Hugs))) to you all for the messages
Liz Lemon,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can only imagine how that was for you then. I get the same sense from this lady but I could be wrong. I’m sure he’s prepared her for a message from me that will never happen lol. He considers himself to be this massive victim when he’s the one creating victims. I’m sure I’m considered ” crazy, a liar, slept with every guy I could and offering brain surgery to them” because THIS is who HE IS. He’s VERY controlling
I TRULY and genuinely appreciate this…it helps me so much! You all are so right…you all knew exactly what to say to pick me up! I needed that and wish I could thank you all in other ways …(((hugs)))
Lane
Andrea, this is sadly a normal reaction when a marriage has spiraled out of control. I’ve been there, my ex acted badly, although not as badly as yours is but it was enough for me to move across the country to be as far away from him, nor get into the mud with him, which required setting strong communication boundaries, whereas, not responding drove him crazy lol
I think it would be wise to set up an online communication link through the courts as quickly as you can. They are not allowed to text, or call you directly but MUST contact you through the site to discuss any, and all ‘child’ matters only. My brother did this when his psycho ex was causing all kinds of legal, and child issues with him. The communications are monitored by the court, where any ‘negative’ talk, or those outside the site, by a parent is grounds for contempt, or modification of a court order further minimizing their contact with the other parent and/or child.
Additionally, I would see if you could integrate a “COPE” class into your divorce. I did family law in Nevada, where its mandatory that divorcing parents with children attend it. I have to tell you, after the parents took it, I could see an immediate change in how they were able focused on the children needs, instead of wanting to battle, and hurt, each other. I suggest you try to make it a part of the custodial agreement as it may help to calm him down, and make the divorce process easier for your child too–a win win.
Good luck as you are going to need it!
tammy
thank god you stopped yourself from reaching out. its not like he has found the one. he is just hooking up and rubbing it in ur face to get your reaction. funny thing is your silence is the best lashing out you can do at present. and yes save all the nasty messages, name calling and other crap hes throwing at you. might help you later on to get your divorce.
Sheila
Liz Lemon
If you don’t mind sharing…what ended up happening with your ex and that girl? My sister had a similar situation with her ex husband and his gf…they talked and the stories were so much different than the gf heard. They ended up breaking up after a few months. She realized he was NOT over my sister and was tired of being the rebound.
Liz Lemon
Sheila– the woman my ex was with had serious self esteem & mental health issues. Even when confronted with the fact that my ex had spun a huge web of lies, she didn’t leave him. They were on and off for quite awhile (like years). This all happened years ago so I have no idea what she’s doing now.
Sheila
Liz Lemon.. thanks for sharing. It’s always so interesting to see how these situations turn out for the ones treating people awfully.
Andrea
I want to thank each and every one of you for taking time out to give thoughts, advice, and opinions on this whole ordeal..
Just some updates…
So we filed the papers, and the lady he sent naked photos of, are in a relationship. He talked to me after we filed..asked me if ” this was the best decision” this is all the while planning on making plans to take this same lady to Hawaii with his kids.
.smh…so I said of course it is. Long story short….he apologized for how he treated me and the awful and horrible things he said to me. ” Crying” about how ” hurt he felt that I “discarded him” like trash lol.He said the reason he did was because he was hurt and angry and the reason he sent me those photos was because he wanted me to ” regret” losing him…smh and lmao…I told him the exact opposite was what I was feeling. So we ended our communication with him saying sorry and telling me that he still loves me but he has no choice but to move on….doesn’t mean I believe a word he’s saying…just reiterating what he said to me.
A mutual friend told me they left for Hawaii last Friday…evidently he’s posting all kinds of HAPPY photos but on the way to Hawaii, the gf throws the middle finger in a photo,pits her page on private and evidently the girl he took to Puerto Rico deleted him off of her friends list. Though entertaining information…it’s none of my business and thats exactly what I told the mutual friend because it seems like the person is gossiping and that’s the last thing I need. She also said she saw a ring on her finger lol.
Anyway…I know no one asked for updates, I just thought I’d share and again say thank you to all…it’s coming to an end and I foresee no more context between he and I.
Oh speaking of which, this ” gf” HAD to ” message” me because I had him on blocked the entire time so she felt like intercepting into our business lol. I know it may not seem this way because I came here to update…but I am glad to be on the healing journey and moving on to better things.
She can have him and that’s all I will say.
Sorry so long
Sheila
This (still) sounds like a complete mess. Glad he ” apologized” whether he meant it or not.
I wish he stayed on your permanent block list. Sounds like you may need some time to talk to counselor about things. You were put through quite a bit.
He sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants but only to be disrespectful to you. Hopefully you won’t hear from him again but something tells me you will. It’s up to you to handle things in a way that will mentally benefit you. Doubt things will last with him and this new girl. He doesn’t seem to understand that HE is the problem.
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