Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Does he still have feelings? Will he write back?
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Sylvia.
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WorriedandConfused
A long-distance thing developed when I reconnected with an old friend this summer. We realised we had secret/repressed crushes on each other many years ago when we were at university together. I think that’s why very intense feelings developed very quickly this summer.
We live in different European countries. By coincidence I was supposed to visit his country for a business trip this autumn. The plan was to meet and potentially start something. About 6 weeks before we were supposed to meet, he “broke things off” with me. His reason was that things developed too quickly and that he was confused. He didn’t want to put our friendship at risk by being intimate with me. But two days before the break up, both of us were still saying that things were getting more serious than we intended. We were texting each other, so I am not imagining this. With the break up, I asked him if he wanted some distance and if we should have no contact for a while. He didn’t want to have no contact with me and insisted that he still wanted to see me as we had planned, but only as friends. We kept in contact but I of course noticed that he was more distant now.
Three weeks after he “broke up” with me, I asked him why he’d become so distant if we’re still friends. I had continued the chattiness as we had it before the break-up because that’s what he said he wanted. He said “we’re just friends” and that all of his feelings for me were gone; this is 3 weeks post break-up. I found it hard to believe that such a deep connection was suddenly gone. I asked him again if he wanted distance and he said no – we should keep texting and he still wanted to meet me as we had planned.
Two weeks later, I did something really stupid. I wrote a message to say that I couldn’t be friends with him after what happened this summer. I unfriended/unfollowed everything on social media. I bid him farewell. I regretted it immediately. I frantically re-established contact, writing an email saying that I made a big mistake. I think when he saw my farewell message, he blocked me on WhatsApp and social media (because in I asked him to do it for us, but then I did it anyway!). He replied to my email two days later. He sounded upset and angry, which is understandable. He said he needed some distance and that he’d get back to me when he’s ready. I replied the next morning saying I’d wait for him. Then, when the date we were supposed to meet approached, I think I broke the no contact rule (did I?) and emailed him to ask if he’d still like to meet because I was travelling to his country. I said I’d like to honour our meeting because even he said post break-up he wanted to see me. After all, “we’re just friends”, right? I suggested we should just we meet for dinner, talk and try to move on from what happened this summer. He replied to my email, sounding like his old self again. But he was quite vague, saying we should “stick to what we agreed upon” (i.e., I should wait for him) and we’d not meet up this time around. He repeated that he’d write to me.
I’m really worried because he hasn’t unblocked me on social media yet. It’s clear he needs to limit our contact now. We can only email each other now. My problem is that I don’t believe his feelings suddenly vanished a few weeks before we were supposed to meet. We were so excited to finally see each other and a very deep connection developed between us this summer, all based on our long-standing friendship. I’m trying very hard to believe him when he says he feels nothing for me because I’d like to take what he says for face value and move on. It’s just difficult if my intuition tells me otherwise. I don’t understand why he needs so much distance now if he knows that he is the one who initially broke my heart.
What do I do now? It’s now been a month since I did that stupid thing of cutting ties with him and we’ve not emailed for two weeks now. I’d like to trust that he’ll write to me and hopefully soon. He repeated himself with the same wording that he’d get back to me. Knowing him, he’d usually follow through with something like that. But I’m insecure and I’m scared, and I worry that he’ll never write back to me. I don’t want it to be over between us and I don’t want our friendship to be over. I think there’s still something between us we could save.
Raven
You can not be ‘friends’ with someone you have feelings for…
Elsa
Cutting contact with him wasn’t a mistake, it was a wise decision. He doesn’t have feelings for you anymore but he still wants to string you along? No thanks!! It was your subconscious telling you to stop contact – you don’t get any benefit from this situation as you have feelings for him. I was in a very similar situation this year – long distance, supposed to meet soon, he broke up with me but still wanted to travel with me. So I feel you girl! :D I ended up meeting him… I still hoped that if I showed him how “we used to be so in love, what a great girlfriend I was” etc etc it would change his mind. Well it didn’t. And I actually realized that I don’t want to be with him.
Maybe if you meet him in person again you will see that he’s actually not that great…
My advice is don’t be friends with people you have feelings for. It will only leave you heartbroken. And stop contact with him. Don’t wait for any replies. Remember, You will never have to prove anything or audition for the right man! And enjoy your travels, even if it’s for work! You got this girl!!!Dangerouse
Jeez, hes told you in every possible way he doesn’t want you. Hes given you every reason he can think of. Get it through your head.
Anderson
“My problem is that I don’t believe his feelings suddenly vanished a few weeks before we were supposed to meet. It’s just difficult if my intuition tells me otherwise.”
And what does your intuiton tell you?
Better off facing reality
Sounds like he’s playing games to get a cheap thrill and toying with your heart and mind.
WorriedandConfused
Anderson:
My intuition tells me that the only time he’s been honest with himself was when he said that things were getting more serious than we intended and that he’s confused. In fact, I think he got cold feet at the idea of finally seeing me again. The part about his feelings evaporating after 3 weeks seems unlikely to me. It’s a defence mechanism.Dangerouse
I always laugh and shake my head when girls buy that “I’m confused ” crap.
WorriedandConfused
That’s okay, Dangerous. You’ve said what you had to say. You’ve made your point You don’t have to troll this thread to repeat yourself. I’ve taken in consideration what you said the first time. Thanks.
Raven
Again, You can not be ‘friends’ with someone you have feelings for
-and-
You can not force a friendship with someone who is unwilling…Being ‘friends’ is a breakup…
You can not go from being an item to being ‘friends’ & expect the same level of contact & engagement with each other.How long has it been since you’ve actually seen each other?
Peggy
Yeah-I agree with Dangerouse-He has tried and tried to dis-engage himselfand you won’t take the hint. Leave him alone and find someone new to date. I would bet anything that he kind of liked you but you live far away, and in the meantime,he met someone else. Believe him about no romance/feelings and don’t try to be friends either.
Tallspicy
Harsh time – his feelings changed or he is confused, does not matter. Time to say the mantra “I do not abandon myself trying to get people who don’t love me or don’t want to love me to love me”. He does not want to love you, which means this is over. Your intuition is irrelevant here. And your feels do not equal his feelings. Heal your wounds and “anything the universe takes away will be replaced with something better”.
Ps, next time remember that anything that is long distance and grows in the absence of being in person is a fantasy. Meet each other quickly and often or long distance does not work.
Anderson
Yeah it could be cold feet. Been there once.
It can also be that in spite of making that connection with you, he’s made some realizations/assessments and decided that he’s done. And won’t be back. Been there several times.
But you are doing the situation absolutely no favors by constantly picking and prodding at it. Let him be. Don’t contact him again as the ball’s in his court. If, and big if, he comes back because the space allowed him to process things, then you decide then if you want to cross that bridge when you get there. Many would not wait around for someone like this and just move on, especially because it’s distance. But if your way of processing this is to hold on for a bit hoping he’ll be back then that’s understandable.
WorriedandConfused
Raven, you wrote:
“Being ‘friends’ is a breakup…
You can not go from being an item to being ‘friends’ & expect the same level of contact & engagement with each other.”As I said, I’m not disputing whether a break-up happened, LOL. I offered him distance twice and he’s the one that kept saying we should continue being friends. I gave him what he said he supposedly wanted. I even told him to cut ties with me when the break came and he outright refused. The suggestion made him angry. He seemed offended by the suggestion (why??). What you’re writing here is exactly what I was trying to get out of him: to get real about that whole “we’re friends” number means, even for meeting up.
I guess I’m trying to understand what’s behind this behaviour. And I’ll freely admit that I was calling his bluff by playing the card, ‘if we’re just friends and you feel nothing for me, then let’s do friends who meet for dinner. Let’s move on from this summer’. He can say whatever he wants, but he can’t actually stand by anything he says w.r.t. to this break-up.
WorriedandConfused
Anderson: you’re right about prodding and probing. This is the 3rd week where we’ve not been in contact after I had that business trip. I’m becoming okay with the idea of leaving him alone and finally giving each other the real space we needed after the break. I just hope we won’t be on bad terms “forever”. That’s an extreme reaction to have. He’s behaving as if I have deeply offended him by attempting to cut ties with him. It is rather weird.
K
You’re going to make yourself crazy with all this overanalyzes. You’ve already pushed him away. Men are simple. Stop trying to figure it out. He doesn’t want what you want, that’s the bottom line. If he did, you wouldn’t be seeing him using “defense mechanisms” against you. A man who wants you is never “confused.” That’s guyspeak to let you down easy. That’s a very polite version of “it’s not you it’s me.” Women hear that a guy’s confused and then they work hard to help him to get clarity which isn’t their job and make them extremely unattractive. Guy says he’s confused… tell him you’re giving him all the space in the world to figure it out and then drop all contact. They only get clarity in the complete absence of you. Not because you worked harder to help him figure it out.
Tallspicy
You are throwing yourself at him and making all sorts of excuses. When a man dumps you (that is what he did), you lose his number. If he wants anything from you, it is his job to get it. People say many things in a breakup, usually to make someone feel better, not because they mean it.
Stop making a fool of yourself. I say that so you wake up. Please focus on you and your life. He is not part of it anymore.
WorriedandConfused
Tallspicy:
I haven’t spoken to him in 3 weeks. In case you didn’t read the other post, I don’t kntdnd to either…WorriedandConfused
… intend to either.
Kalyn
One if the reasons he gave for backing off was a fear that it would affect the friendship. Whether he was being honest or not about that, you then showed him that it had absolutely affected the friendship by blocking him. Don’t get me wrong…I think you did what was best for you there but now he sees very clearly that the two of you CANNOT be friends while you still have feelings for him and you’re showing him in every action that you still have feelings for him (even if you believe you’re not). Personally, I believe that men who are afraid to enter into a romantic relationship based on a fear that the friendship will be “affected”, aren’t serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. A man who wants a relationship with a former friend will HOPE that the “just friends” part is over and that you will be his girlfriend from that point on.
As to why he changed direction, who knows? It’s likely one of two things. Either he met someone locally and his feelings for her began to develop or he got caught up in the excitement of the re-connection, the flirting, etc. without really thinking about how it might actually be/work with you until the meeting became “real” (a very guy thing to do).
In any case, he does not want more than friendship and if you genuinely want that too (please take a good, hard look at what you actually hope for), give it enough time for your feelings to fade out, start dating others until you find someone with whom you want a relationship, then maybe reach out and tell him you are fully over it, happy with your life and ready to resume the friendship if he so wishes. Then leave it up to him. But now is way, way too soon for you to do this.
WorriedandConfused
Hey Kalyn! Thanks for honing in on what I wrote. I’m almost certain that he didn’t meet someone else. Before things started developing between us, one of the topics we initially discussed was a bad break-up he experienced recently. Anx neither of us were looking to “date” anyone at the time either. He had trouble talking about this break up, which led me to think he must’ve gotten his heart broken. To this day, he has never explicitly said whether he was in love with her or not (I take that as a resounding YES). As things eventually started to develop between us, he told me that he’s not ready to fall in love again. I totally panicked and tried to assure him that we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. And that I’m not going to rush or demand that he declares his love for me. We had feelings for each other, sure. But I wasn’t going to call it *in love* yet.
Your 2nd theory resonants with my intuition and my interpretation of what happened. At some point, he seemed to have been very caught up and preoccupied by the notion of us, but I could sense the fear too — with him saying stuff like he can’t just pack up his life and move to another country. Guess what? I panicked and tried to re-assure him that I’m not expecting him to say he’s in love with me and I’d never expect him to move for me! I kept on trying to just focus on the idea of let’s meet up again after all these years and see where our chemistry leads us.
Might sound strange me saying this now, but I sometimes felt I was the more realistic one going into this whole thing… then he stonewalled me. :(
Kalyn
Please don’t take this as criticism, but I don’t believe that you were being realistic about the situation. If the second theory is true, he probably looked at all the obstacles should the two of you meet and decide you wanted something serious, weighed them against his current feelings/mindset/situation and decided he didn’t want to be put in the position of having to make difficult and life changing decisions because of a relationship.
I’m sorry to say this but the fact that the two of you knew each other prior to all this suggests his when he really examined his feelings, they just weren’t strong enough (based on what he knew of you and all of your recent communication) for him to put himself in the above position. He probably had an, “Oh sh*t! What have I done?” moment, felt really bad and guilty about it and instead of openly discussing that, he shut you out and left it in your lap to decipher and deal with.
I’m guessing that he does miss the friendship but won’t engage in even that until the both of you are sure all the “feels” have dissipated. Will he ever see you as girlfriend material again? Who knows? But it won’t be now and it won’t be while you’re trying to hang on to what might have been. Men can tell when we’re not being honest with ourselves (and with them) about our intentions and it’s obvious (and reasonable) that being just friends with him at this point would hurt you…and I’m certain he doesn’t want that.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It totally sucks but it just highlights the differences in how men and women think. For your own sanity, please just put any thoughts of a friendship or the relationship aside and try to move on with someone more available, to the point where your not attached to any of the possible outcomes with him, and it won’t matter so much if you stay friends. Take care…
Honeypie
How are you generally in relationships? Do you find it hard to let go or end things?
WorriedandConfused
Oh my gosh, Kalyn, you’ve touched upon another aspect of this whole thing: he knew that I’m currently better off career-wise than him. I’m living in the city of my choice, my dream city, really. About a year ago I landed a very nice permanent position in a great company, where I’m really happy and successful. He knew this from my social media even before we re-connected in spring and that was anyway clear from our conversations over summer. In contrast, his job situation isn’t so great and he was dealing with really stressful situations at work, which is something he only started opening up about as things became more serious. When he broke things off with me, he had just started doing job applications; even after the break, he told me about going for job interviews. So, I’ve sensed something similar to what you said — that he looked at his life situation and realised whatever it was that was developing between us could potentially make his life even more complicated. That’s something he even verbalised in the days after the break-up. And yes, I’d have really preferred if he had talked to me first.
Oh, and by being realistic I meant that I wasn’t the one needing answers to questions we could’ve only addressed after we had finally met. That’s at least what it seemed like to me when he brought up issues like how a relationship would work. Perhaps it seems counter-intuitive because he rejected me and not the other way around, but I wasn’t thinking about who’d have to move where! We just hadn’t met up yet.
When he broke up with me, he said that I have enriched his life (verbatim), that he’s sad that he wasn’t in a position to travel more to see me, and that he couldn’t let things develop any further. Steamrolled over me with that and stonewalled me with the whole “my feelings evaporated” thing…
Sophia
It is sad but it sounds like he’s made his decision.
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