Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Does he think I’m moving for him?
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mama.
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Megan
So I was seeing this guy last fall that lives about 1.5 hours away from me. About a month in he said he wasn’t sure if he could handle long distance and a month after that he said he for sure couldn’t handle it. When we had this first conversation he kept saying it wasn’t about me at all. I specifically said “I feel like if you liked me enough or felt like this was something worth pursuing the distance wouldn’t matter”. In response he said he wasn’t putting me down at all; that it wasn’t about me and that he couldn’t handle long distance because he had done it in the past and it was too difficult. I asked him to take the distance out of the equation and pretend I lived 5 minutes away and to only consider how he felt about me. He said we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if I lived 5 minutes away. I felt like there had to be more to it so a few months later I saw him at a work party (we work for the same company at different locations). We talked again and he said he had been cheated on which was why he couldn’t do long distance again. I feel like in both of those conversations it may have felt like I was trying to talk him into it but I was more trying to understand why he couldn’t handle it and I finally found out why in that second conversation. Flash forward to now and I’m looking into job positions at his location but this isn’t because of him. That location for our company is closer to my friends and family and, professionally speaking, in the long run this area would provide me with more opportunities for the future. A co-worker of ours told him I’m moving up there and now I’m panicking he might think I’m moving because of him. I don’t know if I should even bother saying something to him and more importantly don’t want him thinking he’s a factor in this move. Am I still interested in him? Yes. Would I want to date him if I moved closer? Yes. But again this move would be what’s best for me for many other reasons. Looking for some advice/opinions here.
Maddie
Since I’m assuming you’re not regularly speaking since ending things, I wouldn’t say anything until after you’ve been there for a couple months. Then he’ll know it’s not about him, otherwise you’d have instantly jumped on hanging out, right?
My caution here would be though, it’s not a good idea to date someone you work with. You’ll be at the same company and same office… that’s often a recipe for disaster, especially with someone who already has past baggage that is trust issues and doesn’t sound like he maturely recovered from it well.
I was actually once in a similar weird gray area moving situation to this (but not with a coworker). I flat out told the person that I wasn’t moving for him, and I still am not totally convinced he believed me at the time. He tried to seem excited for me at first, but things fell apart with him pretty quickly after the move anyway. If he doubted my intentions though, it didn’t matter at all. The move was great for me and I stayed in the new place for years and years and we’ve been in no contact since things fell apart, I never even ran into him again… so in retrospect, it should be pretty obvious I didn’t move for him lol. So do the move for you and be open-minded about what and who it might bring to your life!
AngieBaby
90 minutes between you is NOT “long distance.” That’s an excuse.
Just a caution… men who have been cheated on and it’s affected them strongly rarely get over it completely, from what I’ve observed. They will make every other woman there with pay for what the cheating woman did.
And to Maddie’s point, you definitely don’t want to date a co-worker.
He can think what he wants to think. And he very well may think you did move up there for him, since you’re still interested in him. So what?? You know the truth. You can’t control what he thinks. Don’t say anything. Let him come to you. But really – warning about dating people in the same office. If it doesn’t work out, things can get very awkward.
Megen
It’s a huge company and we don’t interact at all currently. I would only date a coworker if it’s someone I don’t ever have to interact with or see everyday which is the case here.
Megen
I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out. I’m heading that way to go home for the weekend next weekend and will most likely see him at a happy hour so I’m going to gauge things a bit when I see him and see if he brings it up. He knows from other conversations we had that while I love where I live now I would also love to be closer to friends and family so hopefully he doesn’t think it has to do with him.
I realize we have 2 different situations here but can I ask if your guy brought it up again and that’s why things ended?
Megen
I also hear you about it being an excuse. I have definitely thought that from the beginning. Whether he’s just not ready for a relationship or doesn’t want to make the drive because he’s being lazy. Whatever it is for him right now. But yes we are 1.5 hours away without traffic which is only earl morning or late night so you have to be strategic about when you drive which also makes things more difficult. It could easily be 2.5-3 hours with traffic which sucks.
Maddie
When we were (plane ride) long distance and had a great time when we saw each other, he didn’t need to take us seriously. And it turned out he didn’t want to. Once I was actually there he had no more excuse, he just wasn’t that into me. And honestly, when able to spend “real life” time together, we weren’t very compatible, or things would have ended on more amicable terms. If I had moved for that guy (instead of for myself), especially without him asking me to, it would have been an absolute disaster! It was upsetting at the time, but as I said turned out for the best, as I really thrived in a new place. It never actually mattered what that guy thought about my move either at the time or afterwards.
You should listen to your gut that he’d have made it work if he wanted to. Don’t chase or have expectations that something will happen with him again. Just focus on yourself, settling in and building your new routine if you do move, and if he comes around to you then great and you can figure it out.
FWIW, the one time I tried dating someone at the same company also went badly. My lesson from that was, you really need to both be extremely mature and on the same page for that to stand any chance of working out decently. It was important to both of us it didn’t adversely impact our careers, so at least there was no professional fallout, but emotionally it sucked and was so stressful every day to wonder if I’d run into him at the office for the 3 months after we broke up. It’s not a good feeling in a place you spend so much of your day.
Megan
I know the whole if he wanted to he would could apply here but I don’t think it does. Like I said, I said to him that I felt like if he really liked me and felt like things were worth pursuing he would find a way to make it work. When I said that he was adamant that it wasn’t about me at all. That he couldn’t handle long distance again. Of course he could be lying but I want to believe he’s being honest with me. I appreciate you sharing your story. I need to make sure this move is what’s best for me. I hope our stories are different and things could work out for me and this guy.
Ewa
a guy will never tell you it is about you, unless he is mean and rude. 1.5 hours is not long distance and I understand you say it sometimes takes more due to traffic, but it takes 1.5h to go from one side of some capital cities to another, yet you still live in the same city.
I am afraid your move won’t change much because he simply was not interested enough and used the most lame excuse.
Trust me a man who would want to be with you would travel 8h a day just to spend 4 with you. He would also get over his cheating/trust issues if he really wanted.Megen
I truly don’t think it’s as simple as you put it here. He told himself he wouldn’t do long distance ever again and I do believe “if he wanted to he would” isn’t always the case.
Ewa
he wouldn’t do long distance ever again you say? so why he started dating you? Am I right that you were only seeing him for 2 months?
Megen
He brought it up after a month of seeing each other and then a month later he said that he told himself he wouldn’t do it again. Trust me I was frustrated that he pursued me in the first place. I can’t answer why he started seeing me. It was obvious there was chemistry and I think it eventually hit him that he couldn’t handle it.
Megen
Also hears why I don’t believe the phrase “if he wanted to he would”. I’m single and don’t want to be yet I don’t use dating apps nor do I have many friends to go out with in order to meet people. I want to find a partner but I have no motivation to do the things I know I should do to meet someone. So it’s not always that simple.
Ewa
if he wanted he would has nothing to do with being single and wanting to find a partner, the phrase is more relatable when you already have a partner or when they guy wants to see you but is not ready to commit.
2 months is nothing, you don’t really know him, 3 months is usually when men decide if they want to make it serious or not, he decided this is not for him.
Again I don’t think the distance matters here, I think he might be even less interested now knowing you will be in the same location. You spend too much time thinking what he would think, if the move is better for you career wise , friends wise etc then why would you care what someone else’s think.
Maybe when you move , you’ll find someone else, in my opinion he is not worth pursuing, because think about. Let’s say you had to move again for whatever reason (when you two are in relationship) he would again tell you he can’t handle it. it would be harder to leave after years…Megen
I believe the phrase applies to anything you do. There’s plenty of times in my life where there were things I wanted but didn’t do or they took me awhile to be ready to do them. I don’t think you can put every man in a box with that phrase. We all have different traumas and experiences that keep us from the things we want. I just don’t think you can apply it to everyone and every situation because you don’t know what they’ve been through.
Ewa
Why you keep talking about this phrase? He doesn’t want to date you , the reason is not relevant , honestly.
It is nothing you have done, he made that decision for himself , now you go live your life and stop worrying about what he thinks.
Why do you care so much about a guy who doesn’t want to date you? There is no if or but. He doesn’t want to date you. You deserve someone who does !AngieBaby
Have you asked him what is an acceptable distance/time to travel to be with someone you’re dating?? If you can find out, then move within that distance/time and see what happens. Since you’re already moving up there for other reasons and all. ;)
I think you’re pushing back on the advice you’re getting here because you’re still interested in him and you’re hoping that once you’re in the area he will be interested too. I still say he used the “distance” as an excuse because he brought it up a month in and then used it as the reason to end things another month later. Either he’s not interested in you or he’s not interested in dating right now, period. Ewa is absolutely right – a man will do anything to avoid hurting a woman’s feelings and he won’t just say, sorry don’t want to see you anymore, I’m not feeling it for you. Women who hear that will usually either cry, argue, question and they don’t want to deal with it. For him, it’s over and that’s all he knows. So he will find a way to let her down easy and I think that’s what’s happened here, I regret to say. I know it’s not what you want to hear.
You’re arguing about “if he wanted to, he would” with examples of why that’s true, do you realize that?? If you really wanted to be on the dating apps and doing an all-out campaign to meet Mr. Right, there would be nothing that could hold you back. For some reason, you’re not all in. And that’s OK. Timing is everything. When you’re ready, you’re ready and not a minute before that time. You can think you’re ready, you can know you should be ready, but if you’re not, you’re not.
My current BF dated a girl for two years on and off and she pushed for marriage and he told her he wasn’t ready and she took that as, if I hang around long enough, he’ll be ready – he broke up with her after she told him for the third time she’d wait for as long as he needed. Guess what – I’m the next GF and he’s talking about marriage with me. He admits he told her he wasn’t ready because he knew she wasn’t the one and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her that.
So, go ahead and pursue him and see what happens. Let us know. But you really can’t control what he thinks and to Maddie’s point no matter what you say, he may or may not believe you. In the end it doesn’t matter. I think what you’re really asking is, is he still interested in me enough to chase me and sorry but the consensus here is it’s not likely.
Tammy
What i write you may not like but i think your lying to yourself. One of the reasons for your move is also rekindling things with your exbf. Thats fine. But u need to accept that thats what you really want.
And what posters are trying to say is that most probably 90 min distance was given as an excuse to break things with you. But you do not agree with that. Only your exbf knows the real reason for breakup.
Once you go there, my suggstn is to simply guage the situation and take it from there. If the reason for breakup is really the distance thing as you say, and that he really likes you, then he will make attempts to connect with you more, engage more and try to rekindle things. But if he doesnt make attempts to seek you out, ask you out, engage more with you, you will have your answer.
My only advice would be that you should let him make all attempts to reach out without any push from your side. Do not chase and do not reach out to try to convince him. Wld you be able to do that? Keep your expectations low..
Tallspicy
I strongly disagree that 90 minutes is not long distance. 90 minutes is definitely long distance! It does not allow spontaneous get togethers at all. That is 3 hours round trip and creates a lot of organizing to make work.I live in a big city and more than 30-45 minutes on average would be suburbs and unacceptable. Most men would say this is long distance and a problem.
Anyhow, what he thinks about what you do is none of your business. Do your move and then reach out after a while, or you would run into each other.
Tammy
In the city whr i stay, i commuted from the suburbs to my work place for 75 mins to 90 mins, every day for years! From whr i come, 90 mins is not a big deal…so i think i can relate to what some posters said about distance things being a possoble excuse for breaking up.
But then again if her exbf thinks like the above poster and broke up due to distance, then the op maybe in with a chance. Who knows. Hope thats the case.
Tammy
By the way, 75 to 90 mins one way!
AngieBaby
Personally, I’m not willing to limit finding the right person to spend my life with by enforcing a rigid “you have to live within 60 minutes drive or I won’t date you.” If you live in a big city, that’s cutting off a lot of your options. In the city I live in, at times it can take half an hour to drive 5 miles and an hour and a half or longer to get 20 miles. Not an issue to me, for the right man. I think what “long distance” is depends on what kind of an area you live in. Where I live, 90 minutes wouldn’t be off-putting to most people. It’s normal in this city. I think the key is, are you flexible in where you live, could you make some adjustments to be with someone you love. If not, then “long distance” isn’t for you, and that’s OK.
I still say the bigger red flag is “I was cheated on.”
But the OP will find out soon enough when she moves if “long distance” was an excuse for this guy to stop seeing her or not.
Tammy
I agree with you angie. The op will find out soon..
But then again if just a 90 mins drive deters a man to enter into a relatnship wid me and breaks up with me, wld i want to be with him? If hes not up for such small challenges to be with me i wonder how things cld be when faced with real hardships going ahead.
I wld be pleasantly surprised if things do work out for op…cross my fingers.
Padmini
Hi, Megan,
It does really seem that this Guy is a Major-Factor in your Move. That is just why you are worrying about his Belief about your Move.
So it is really best for you to be Honest with Yourself First; before making a Claim to anybody else, inclusive of us on this Forum.
Once you are Honest with Yourself—whether or not you Realize that you are Moving for the Guy: THEN you will achieve Clarity on this Situation. You could then talk with a Therapist. You can then also sort out how to Deal with everything in this Situation—such as the Guy’s Claim that his Mind-Set does not have to do with you.
I do agree that a Guy’s Past certainly Impacts his Current Mind-Set. Whatever the Case: Your Current Endeavor should Line-Up with His Mind-Set.
If you truly think and feel that the Move would be good for all else you are seeking: Then all will Work-Out the Way it is Meant to!
Good Luck to you!
Sincerely,
Padmini.mama
All of this is anecdotal advice. Some think it really is the long distance, others think it’s the cheating trauma, others think he’s making a variety of excuses because he just doesn’t want to be with her. Probably all true to some degree, maybe? It doesn’t matter at this point, she’s in charge of her own life and loves. :)
The OP asked for advice. Mine is that if she chooses to move to the same location (“for work”) as this guy that she’s admitted to still having feelings for, she’d better find a new job because “working at the same company/same location” will be his new excuse. Her smart thing is to go for the best work and promotion she can and find a guy who isn’t full of random excuses.
She seems like a smart woman, I have faith she’ll nip her crush w/this guy in the bud and choose someone who WANTS to be with her and doesn’t have a million excuses as to why he “can’t”. ;) If she meets him at various happy hours, she should engage briefly to be polite then move on to greener pastures.
Because regardless of the WHY, or the WHAT, this guy is Super Excuse Guy. Excuses a mile a minute that you don’t see coming. Find a man who wants you. You sound smart and salient. You shouldn’t have to prove how awesome you are at this point.
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