Does my boyfriend love this other girl?

Hi Jennifer,
Wow that is a rough scenario.
To be blunt, you did keep something from him and asked your friends to do it too.

It does mean you are not trusting. I’m not sure you thought this out. But a terrible thing happened to Marissa who he used to date. Doesn’t it seem honorable that he defend her especially because his best friend is in the wrong?

What a mess!

Interesting that they all showed up at the same party…

Count this guy gone, for what ever the reason- sorry.

But the thing is, we practically live together. All of his stuff is still at my apartment, except that he hasn’t come back since Sunday which makes me incredibly anxious. I thought maybe he would’ve come back while I’m out at work but it’s clear that he hasn’t been back AT ALL even though he’s got a key. Everything is just as we left it on Sunday. Even his car keys! Now I’m going crazy wondering where the hell he is. He won’t answer my calls, but he did pick up a call from one of the guys in our friend group and told him that he wanted nothing to do with us again and that the whole friend group could go to hell. He said nothing about where he is, or about me. I get he’s pissed, but I’m his girlfriend and we’ve been together for almost 4 months, we LIVE together, and it seemed like he did care about me, so I find it hard to accept that he would just ghost me instead of giving me a chance to explain. I want to cry because I love him, but he’s completely shutting me out and it’s driving me crazy wondering where he is, or if he’s been with Marissa this whole time. His parents aren’t in his life, so aside from our friends, I have no one that could reach out to him.

Pack his things- when he returns to get them, all you have to do is move them outside. Change the locks on your apartment.

He doesn’t deserve another second of your time or attention.

My guess is he IS with the other girl- sorry…
Where else would he be?

What you try desperately to hold onto will slip away. Put aside your jealousy and your agenda for a moment.

A friend of his was sexually assaulted by another friend of his. Try to imagine how upsetting that is.

I would just text back: I understand how upsetting this must be. Would you like some help taking care of Marissa, I’d be glad to come over and lend a hand. You must be exhausted. When you are less stressed I’d like to talk with you about what’s happened between us. Take all the time you need to help her out and let me know what I can do for you or her.

Something along those lines will diffuse the situation.

If you start making any demands or coming off as jealous, you will lose him. Stay cool. Trust this will turn out the right way, whatever that is. Easier said than done, I know. But if you don’t want to drive him away, give him space to help her out. When the time is right to talk with him, be forthright and honest that you felt a bit jealous of her and when you heard about the assault you didn’t know what to do because you weren’t sure if it was just a rumor or what really happened and you didn’t know how to handle it. Honesty is your best chance here. He will forgive you or not. If not… he isn’t the right guy for you. People who are right for each other can work through their problems.

I know your struggling, overly emotional, and felt like you’ve been hit by a truck but its not going to help you right now.

Right now he is feeling betrayed by his friends. I don’t know this Marissa, or his friend, what happened, or what the “truth’ is but I have a gut feeling she is playing “Damsel in distress” because why would she be turning to him and not the damn police if what she said happened??? Something very very fishy is going on with her but unfortunately you’re paying for it.

All I can tell you to do right now is to not only BACK OFF but start to feel the opposite and allow some anger to fill your mind. If any guy did this to me I wouldn’t be “waiting for him or his call” but so friggen pissed off that he should be afraid to see me again lol. I’ve been in some weird situations, not exactly like yours but trust me, when a man doesn’t stand up FOR YOU, then he’s not going to stand by you, and this is your cue to kick him to the curb.

Again, I understand you are super emotional right now and not thinking straight but you don’t owe her, or him, an apology. She should have gone straight to her parents and/or the police, and the fact she hasn’t or didn’t should tell you something. Time to think logically v. irrationally.

Lane: according to a Dept of Justice study done in 2016, almost of 80% of sexual assaults go unreported to the police. Because someone didn’t go to the police doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I once reported a sexual assault. It was very, very difficult, and I was lucky I had kind police officers. God knows they aren’t all like Olivia Benson on Law & Order. What was devastating was being told by the DA’s office that with only my word against his, they didn’t stand a chance of getting a conviction. And even if they charged him that I was going to be the one put on trial and it would be rougher than I could imagine. I’d been violated once – I wasn’t up for having it done again. So unless you’ve experienced this, please don’t judge and criticize.

Jennifer, thank you for the additional information. This is complicated. Sounds like Angela confirmed your suspicions that something had been going on between them before you two met and started dating. I’m glad you sent the text and I’m not surprised he didn’t answer. I know it’s awful to be shut out and in such a hamstrung position. But there really is nothing else you can do. If he is going to choose to drop you to be with her, then that’s his choice to make and that’s the way it’s going to go and if that’s what he does, this was not your guy, and at least you found it out within a few months. I”m sorry. Step back now, you’ve done all you can do. Contacting him any further won’t help.

It’s up to you if you want to box up his things. It might be easier on you to assume this is done and get his things out of your sight so you can start the grieving process so you can move on.

I will say this – obviously it didn’t work out between the two of them for some reason. Crisis can bring people back together temporarily, it’s true. But eventually the reasons they broke up will likely surface again.

Maddie/Angiebaby,

Honestly, I have tried my best to take Marissa out of the equation like you said and focus on re-evaluating the relationship between my boyfriend and I. I understand the red flags you are describing, it’s just overall, we’ve had a healthy relationship, so even though he doesn’t have the best family and clearly our friend group isn’t great either, he is a good boyfriend. He’s never done anything to misplace my trust, he calls when he says he will, he does ALOT for me around the apartment since he’s living with me, and when we have arguments (not big ones) he always talks it out calmly and reasonably with me. That is why I felt like the positives outweigh the negatives here. It’s true that I was a little insecure when hearing Marissa came back to our city, not because I felt like he isn’t fully committed, but I love him so I think it’s just a natural reaction. I certainly did not think he would leave me for her because like I said, right before me and my boyfriend got together, he told me about her. He said they weren’t dating and were very briefly together, basically a fling, before she had to leave for college, meaning this was a few months ago. And soon after she left he texted her to tell her that he got a girlfriend, which was me. So based on that, like you said Maddie, the way he’s handling this is over the top. I get that he probably cares for her in some way, but she’s not even an ex, so this seems like a massive overreaction to me. Maybe it’s because she’s only 18, so he feels protective of her since we are a few years older (he’s 20 and I’m 21), but it makes me think that maybe he felt a bit more for her then he let on, and that distance was the only factor that drove them apart, as he told me they said goodbye on good terms.

I know people here are telling me to let this go, and if I weren’t me, I would say the same thing. But I don’t know if I can do it, or at least not until he talks to me properly. Because it feels like one day, I had a boyfriend who I loved and who loves me, and then just losing him without knowing what the hell happened. Thank you all for listening to me, I will update if/hopefully when he texts me back.

*update

Ahh, okay so my boyfriend finally came home earlier this afternoon. It was eventful to say the least. A quick rundown of what happened…he seemed to have cooled off and we talked for a really, really long time. I’m so happy he was able to talk this out with me and he listened while I explained my reasons for initially keeping her assault from him. He said it wasn’t my fault and that he shouldn’t have taken his anger out on me, but this is when he completely broke down, saying his overreaction was more about himself than anyone else. He started saying that since the day he met Marissa, he’s felt this obsessive need to protect her all the time. Obviously, this sounded very confusing to me and he said he doesn’t even fully understand it. My boyfriend has always been a protective guy, that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. He went on to say how in the short time their fling lasted, he knows she has a slight drinking problem and on more than one occasion, had to pick her up from friends’ houses when she was completely intoxicated. I told him that maybe he should reconsider involving himself with her since she clearly has issues of her own, but he claims that she’s one of the most selfless girls he knows and that she was like this “bright thing” in his life, even though it only lasted for a little while.

So naturally, I was confused but tried my best to be understanding. I straight up asked him if he thinks he may have feelings for her and if it’s more than a fling because after that whole monologue, it really sounded like he does. His words were, “The last thing Marissa needs is a guy in her life. She’s my friend, that’s all.” After this, I basically dropped it and he explained how she came back to our city because her mom is in the hospital and that her dad would be flying back in on Wednesday. Btw, he was crying throughout all of this. He told me he “needs to go” but he’ll be back once her dad gets home so she won’t be all alone for right now. At this point, I wanted to cry but I wasn’t going to make him stay. I let him go. He told me how horrible he felt and that I didn’t deserve any of this, but that he still cares for me but he has to be with her right now. I told him the door is open and that we’ll talk more on Wednesday. So there it is. I’m glad we were able to discuss this like adults and we haven’t broken up, but it feels like we’re at a standstill now.

I don’t know if I can continue this, because it feels like he’s already chosen her over me. I don’t understand his obsession to save her, or whatever it was that he was talking about and I’m not sure if I care at the moment. I just feel empty at this point and this thread is my only way to release this and find some comfort.

Whoa.

Well, the good news is I don’t believe he’s romantically interested in her. Sounds like she reminds him of someone or he feels an overwhelming need to protect vulnerable or wounded people. I think he’s given you as much reassurance as he possibly can. I don’t agree that he’s chosen her over you.

You did right to let him go back. It’s two more days and then her dad will take over. God only knows what she’s been through. I don’t fully understand why he’s the one who has to do this – I don’t know if it’s because he’s insisting or if she doesn’t have anyone else who can stay with her 24/7.

When he gets back, he should be putting ALL his focus on you and making up for taking so much time away from you and reacting the way he did.

The next hurdle will be, will he want to keep in touch with her. That could get weird.

But in the immediate time, he needs to work to repair the damage he’s done. And you have to observe him carefully and see if this is really someone you want to be with long term.

Again, you haven’t been together very long and you two are very, very young. This may or may not be the man you are with next year, much less marry someday.

I’m glad he came back around to sit down and talk it out with you. It sounds to me like he’s being as honest with you as he can.

While I know this isn’t what you want to hear, I’m going to tell you something I wish someone told me when I was dating my college boyfriend around your age. You do not need to take on all of a significant other’s deep issues, especially after only a few months, especially at your age. Some people romanticize the ride or die idea, but healthy relationships with emotionally healthy people shouldn’t be this complicated and unstable this early.

I agree with the above that he probably enjoys some chaos and drama, in the sense that being a white knight to others may give him a sense of purpose or control that he doesn’t know how to otherwise provide himself with. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but he has a TON of issues. And he doesn’t fully understand them himself and may even be lying to himself about some of it. Which, again, doesn’t make him bad, it’s how some people attempt to deal with their own issues, especially when young and flailing around without better guidance.

I think you’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. I got in way over my head trying to be forever supportive and understanding no matter how my college boyfriend treated me. I don’t want to project my situation on to you and tell you to decide based on my experience. I just want to give you food for thought because my situation lasted 2 years, didn’t work out, and left me devastated. And in retrospect, it was largely because I decided to take on ALL his many issues that had nothing to do with me, which became a co-dependent mess.

Anyway, if you introspect and still want to make it work with him, take things slowly from here! You’ve done the right thing so far, giving him some space and letting him come to you as he’s ready. It still sounds like an uphill climb, because you’ll need to rebuild trust (and I mean HE needs to win back YOUR trust, not the other way around). And to that point, Angiebaby is right that you’ll get a clearer picture soon.

Wow, I must say this was a handful to read. Jennifer, I can only imagine what you’re going through right now and I truly hope this situation turns out for the best, whatever that may be. I agree with much of what has been said above about your boyfriend, that while he is no doubt a decent guy (he’s proven that in more ways than one), he does have issues he needs to work through, and that the most important thing right now is to really consider whether all of this heartache is worth it.

However, I want to express my opinion which is probably not what you want to hear, and seems to be at the other end of the spectrum here. To answer the question of your post, I think your boyfriend does love Marissa, in his own way. I say this because I had an ex that sounds just him. While the situation was much less dramatic and complicated than this, I recognize a lot of similarities between them. I was in your place before, but I can still be wrong because only you know your relationship best, so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt.

Like your boyfriend, there was a girl my ex was never officially with, but it was obvious that she still had part of his heart. I refused to see the signs at first because I loved him deeply and I knew he cared for me to. But the way he treated us was just different. He was always kind and considerate of me, a good boyfriend overall. But whenever he heard the other girl was in some sort of situation which was usually bad, it was like everything else in his life didn’t matter and she became his priority. When I finally came to my senses, I sat him down hoping to get an explanation for his crazy behavior. Like your boyfriend, he broke down too except we ended up breaking up. Because he loved her this whole time. I could see it too once I finally stopped being in denial. She brought out what I couldn’t from him, and that’s emotion. Guys can date a lot of girls and not feel much, but when he finds one that can make his heart churn from the inside out, that’s who he’ll be with. Now, while this really doesn’t sound like a healthy type of love at all, I think in the mind of guys who have this “savior complex” mentality like your boyfriend and my ex, that IS what love looks like to them.
So yes, the way I see it, your bf loves her, or if he doesn’t now, I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls for her down the road.

Especially with these unusual circumstances that can bring them closer together. But again, this is just my opinion and how I felt after reading your post. For your sake, I truly hope that I’m wrong. All the best Jennifer, and please keep us updated!