Does my boyfriend love this other girl?

Charlotte, you make good points.

I don’t think the BF is in romantic love with Marissa, but there is DEFINITELY some kind of attachment, sense of responsibility – not sure what to call it. What we don’t know if this is just situational because of the sexual assault (maybe a female close to him was assaulted so the incident was a trigger) or if this is an ongoing attachment to her that he’s not going to let go of.

I broke up with someone who couldn’t let go of an ex. He was never in love with her, and I do believe that, but he told me he cared about her very much and worried about her, she had mental health issues. She did crazy things from time to time and after a year of dating her, she did something over the top and he ended it. But she was still contacting him, I saw a text accidentally and confronted him, and then the truth came out – he admitted to calling her periodically to check on her. He was very much in love with me… but he couldn’t explain why he felt compelled to check on her and he obviously wasn’t going to stop. A therapist told me they had some kind of trauma bond thing going. I couldn’t accept it and ended it.

So we’ll see what this guy does, but I am not at all convinced he will be 100% done with Marissa anytime soon even though he isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with her. I think Jennifer is going to have to make some hard decisions at some point.

Hey Jennifer, just wanted to give my 2 cents from a guy’s point of view. I agree that he does love Marissa, but pursuing a relationship with her is probably the last thing on his mind. Sounds like those two never got a real chance to explore a possible relationship. They ended the first time because she left for college, not from a lack or feelings it seems. The 2nd time around, his best friend got between them and squashed any potential chance of getting together for real. I would not worry about your boyfriend leaving you for her, neither of them are in a place to be in a relationship. It’s sad because his feelings for her seem genuine. I do wonder what Marissa thinks of all this though, as you said she does know he has a girlfriend.

Before this whole situation happened, even though my boyfriend has always been a protective guy like I said, he has never had such an over the top reaction like this. I know it may be hard to believe, but he was a pretty chill guy, like one who goes with the flow. He rarely ever let his emotions get the best of him, even when his best friend used to do all this stupid s**t, he would just roll his eyes and blow him off basically. That is why this has been hard for me to process, but reading your guys’ advice and taking time to think about it, I was thinking maybe deep down he has some sort of savior complex? It’s just surprising because he really is not confrontational at all and certainly does not go out of his way for people, so it seems like it’s really just for this girl in particular.

You guys are all giving me really good feedback and I want to reiterate how much I appreciate it. I know I should be thinking about long term here and if he’s still what I really want after all of this, but I will wait until at least Wednesday. It only makes sense to. I agree that if he does come back, not that I want to make him jump through hoops, but he needs to find a way to make up his long absence up to me. I don’t know why, but my gut feeling is saying there will be a rift which is what I’m scared of. I want to believe you Angiebaby so badly because logically, it doesn’t sound like he likes her romantically. Call it woman’s intuition, but I feel like despite the fact that Marissa is younger and still has a lot of growing up to do, she is the one my bf is attracted to. The reason their fling ended was because she had to leave for college, and they didn’t have time to start dating for real. Maybe she’s a “what if” in his mind, but I keep remembering that he only made it official with me after she was gone. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this (because I’ve written so much already), but I think it’s important to point out that my bf and I have known each other a year prior to dating. So he is a friend to me too, which is why I don’t want to leave this relationship in the dust just yet. Yet, I also feel like 2nd place because he only dated me because things with her couldn’t work. When I think about it, his attitude towards her seems possessive and irrationally obsessive. Maybe it stems from having an extreme affection for her, but it doesn’t seem healthy to me at all. I guess time is what will really tell.

There could be a lot of reasons for his behavior. We’ve all speculated as much as we can. Jennifer, you’re just going to have to play it as you feel it, day by day. Trust your instincts, trust yourself. You will know if it’s OK to keep going with him to see how it goes or if you need to end it sooner rather than later. You know we’re all rooting for you and we are here for you.

Hi Jennifer

You have received a lot of advice on here and I agree that there is a strong form of attachment between your boyfriend and this girl. Whether it is his desire to be this savior or having feelings for this person – neither one benefits you.

A person who is damaged will most likely seek others who are damaged it is a magnet and only they can “try” to understand this attraction. Maybe deep down he has no desire to be with someone like this but he can’t control himself to be stuck in this person’s drama. Only he knows his true feelings.

He is not a therapist and cannot help her but he can offer her support and encourage her to report this and attend a support group – if he feels guilty for what happened then he should be reporting his friend to the police so he doesn’t do this to someone else.

You are all too young to be surrounded by so much drama.

You may not want to hear this but I agree that you are in a very bad triangle here and despite how “great” things were before this is a test you have to move from.

You are only a few months in and already have major trust issues. If a man is so dedicated to helping a woman then the feelings there are not just that of a friend it is the “knight in shining armor”. I also think he took this as the perfect opportunity to go back to this woman and is trying to slowly remove himself from your life.

The last thing you want is to feel like a 3rd party in your own relationship. I would advise him that if he feels such a strong desire to help this person that you totally understand and will remove yourself from his life. Then I suggest you move on and make the choice to heal and find someone who would drop everything at the drop of a hat to help you when you need it.

A-men @T from NY!

I’m glad you updated us. I wholeheartedly agree with T from NY! Please, please keep her and the others advice in mind while you deal with him. Watch and observe him now. He should be making you and your relationship a priority.

Thanks for the update Jennifer. I”m glad he came home.

It was really nice that Marissa did that for you.

There is a lot to unpack here, it’s complicated.

I think your BF is a decent guy and I can only imagine how devastating and outrageous it must be to find out your BFF from childhood has it in him to commit sexual assault.

It will probably take a little while for all this to work its way out in the open and at some point you can make a decision on whether you should continue with him or not. I trust you will know what to do and I hope you know you can trust yourself. You’ve handled this really well. I don’t know what the right answer is and it doesn’t matter what any of us say – at the end of the day, you know him, you know all the facts in a way none of us well meaning strangers on the internet do and it’s down to you to decide.

Hugs. Get a massage. Chill out. Take care of you while all of this plays out.

No I’m not, this is the only time I’ve posted on this site. I’ve never done FWB in my life. Maybe just another girl with the same name?

Hey all,

It’s been a while since I last updated but a lot has happened since then…the result is that we are now broken up.

You were all right, what mattered then the most was the aftermath. I wanted to see if he would still keep in contact with her which he didn’t, and so for a week after I thought we were trying to repair our relationship. Until yet again, drama hit. Her dad called my boyfriend in the middle of the night asking if he knew where Marissa was because she never came home going out that night with one of her friends. So he and I went out looking for her and we did end up finding her laying in alley unconscious outside of this 18-21 club my boyfriend used to pick her up from. I watched him fall to his knees and beg her to wake up, then he picked her up and carried her back to our car. I think it was watching them in that moment, that was my final wake up call. It felt like I was watching my life through someone else’s eyes.

But I sucked it up, brought her to the hospital and stayed with them while my boyfriend was talking to her dad and the friend she’d went out with. We found out that she had mixed painkillers with alcohol which is what made her collapse at the club. The dad came over to apologize to me and said that he was in a state of panic and he only called my boyfriend because he was good friend to Marissa. Well after all this was said and done, my boyfriend and I went home and had a long talk. I basically told him that I finally saw this for what it is, that even though I love him, I felt like a 3rd party in our relationship. There were tears and hugs, but he agreed and said I didn’t deserve any of this and that he was truly sorry. So as of right now, he is still living with me as we made an agreement that he can stay until he can get his old apartment back which he is currently working on. We live with each other, but we don’t speak anymore.

I’m heartbroken. I cry when he isn’t home and I’ve barely eaten or slept. The only people I’ve talked to about this so far is a long-distance friend and my mother. I hope the best for my ex bf now, but I can’t imagine why he would put himself through all that. I’m sure she’s a nice girl but she has so many issues, and honestly, I don’t even want to picture them together because it’s a recipe for disaster. Right now, I’m just trying to cope with this because it hurts like hell. Again, I want to thank you all on this forum for helping me out through this.

Sorry @Jennifer, You’ve done the right thing…

Take time & heal… Take care of you.