Does No Contact Work with an EX?

Stefanie,

You are so right! It’s just hard when you miss someone, but I know I can do better,I just didn’t want to. I’m sure that’ll change pretty soon :)

I had a Man ré-contacting me day 29 with a casual text after ghosting on me. Needless to say i gave him some hard time to get back into my pants.

Firstly Blindsided I know how you feel. Lots of us are going through it. Lots of us have been through it before and have come out the other side! Know that whatever the outcome is, you’ll be okay…

Secondly – they ALWAYS come back. ALWAYS. There must be something pre-programmed in a man that makes them come back because, in my experience anyway, every guy I have EVER had romantic dealings with – even the ones I’ve been on one rubbish date with, have tried again at some point. All three of my significant exes have come back at some point. So if that’s what you want to hear then there it is… he’ll be back.

HOWEVER it might be days, weeks, months or even YEARS before you hear from him again. And the craziest thing in the world would be for you to sit and wait for him, put your life on hold and pine.

What you need to do is take him at face value, assume it’s over for good, and get back to looking after yourself as a priority.

I know this is extremely hard, and I especially identify with you saying you really care about him and that he won’t find another you – I GET THIS becuase I feel the same in my situation.

And it’s easy for me to dish this advice out when I am struggling to carry it out myself in this very moment!

BUT we all need to stay strong, look after number one, and believe that true love finds a way and if it’s meant to be it will work itself out. If it’s not meant to be then it’s just another leg of the journey to meeting the right one for you!

Sassperilla- ALL your ex’s have come back? Did they tell you why the contacted you out of the blue?

And blindsinded- no contact is good but its so you can heal & move on. Not try to get him back. I know its hard. I’m trying to do it with the last guy I was involved with.

Sometimes they come back because they are bored, lonely, or horny. Not to say it isn’t great to think ,,wow I am so unforgettable. However, unless the guy is coming back on a white horse and is a different man than the one it didn’t work out with then what is it worth —- nothing really!!!

And why would you want a guy back who says I love you then 3 days later breaks it off you with, that is messed up!!! And it’s a shame he suffers from depression but that will make it hard to have a good happy relationship anyway.

I have to agree with Sassperilla, ALL of my ex’s, guy’s I’ve dated but not in a exclusive relationship with and guy’s I’ve gone out on 1 or 2 dates with, have ALL come back! EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF THEM! All at different times, some took a few days, some took months and some almost 2 yrs. But they all contacted me in some way, via text, phone call, facebook, whatsapp. And to be honest by the time most of them did reach out, I had already moved on, long before. I would find it funny when I’d get a text from one of them and have no clue as to who they were, because I no longer had their phone number! and I love replying “Sorry, who is this?” Totally kills their ego LOL.

So yes, I agree, if your ex hasn’t reached out yet since you posted this, he will, at some point. But like Sass said, DO NOT wait around for it. Because 90% of the time, the reach out is cheap. It’s an ego stroke, or a booty call or simply out of boredom. MAYBE 10% of the time, the guy will honestly feel as though he “made a mistake” and is in a better place in his life and would like a real second chance.

I broke up with my guy i dated for 9 months. he said he doesnt have the warm and fuzzy feeling anymore after i initiated the break up conversation coz i felt something has been missing for a long time. He sent me a nice long email as to how he adores me and all the ways i have positively influenced his life and how we want different things in life. we have never fought and we have fun when we are together. Emotionally, intellectually and go hiking, scuba diving and vacations together. And to my surprise I was a mess only for one day, and i have been fine since then (break up happened 4 days ago). i didnt contact him and told him not to call/text me. after 2 days of silence he texted me last night asking how i was and that he is trying to keep himself distracted. i said we will get through this and will be fine.

The only thing that went wrong was that he lost the butterflies in his belly. does NC help in getting the spark/warm fuzzy feeling back? he lives in LA and works in Minneapolis. I live and work in minneapolis. so most of the time ours is a long distance relationship.

Please advice.

Blindsided…I think before jumping back into your ex’s arms, you have to first assess his motivations for getting back in touch with you. Is it because he’s lonely? Is it because he’s needing to fill a temporary/selfish need of your company? Is it because he had a memory of your presense and enjoyed the memory so much that he reached out to you in that moment? Or is it because he took the time to think about your relationship, to think about the reasons why he decided to leave and actually took the time to make those changes so that when YOU welcome him back, things will sincerely be different this time around, or atlest he’s will to try!?

The way you can assess this is by his actions. I think if he was genuinely serious about wanting you back and really determined to make this work a second time around, he would not text you, he would actually call you and ask to meet up with you to discuss your relationship and it’s options. I don’t think a text of “I miss your socks” is a good enough and strong enough indication that he’s now ready. I think it’s a good indication that he’s lonely for your company and that’s never enough for success, because loneliness is only temporary.

IF you do give him a second chance and he takes it, then you really need to show him you value yourself more. YOu need to make him EARN you, not just for your sake, but for his too because a man only values things he has to work for. Its also okay to tell him that you don’t trust him right now and that he must earn back that trust in order to further the progression. And lastly, I think you need to set boundaries down with how he communicates with you in regards to serious matters (ie: his choice to break up via text) Inform him that’s not an appropriate way to communicate, that you would like for him to have face to face discussions or AT LEAST phone calls, regarding situations that affect both you and him. Set your boundaries down, you’ll be able to tell if he’s serious or not by his actions.

Good luck.

Blindsided – su2012 and steen,

You have to ask what has changed in the relationship to give it a second chance? If nothing has changed except you miss each other will it be successful?

I think it takes work not just missing each other to fix for the future. Why did you break up – how will that not happen again – changes in conduct in the future….etc.

I think I’d ask him direct…you’ve nothing to lose. next time he texts..just ask him why he is in touch. ..us it to date you again and have a relate ir just to keep in touch? tell him you’d like the respect if an honest reply. He can call you if he’d like to arrange a date .

I think. ..he’s e tethering.

I don’t understand his reluctance to make plans to see you. If I loved someone I would want to see them.

So no…you are not asking too much for making plans to see you.

Harley, You’re right… I’ll ask him the next time he reaches out… see what he says.

Kadija and RedcurlySue- He said that if we ever got back together then he would make sure that he fought for us… he knows that he didn’t do that before…he let an issue that he had fester until he felt like he had to break it off. The issues seemed to be his own insecurities of if he could be the guy that I actually want.

I’ve never had this situation happen before so honestly, I’m not sure if i could trust him with my heart. That’s the hard part. I’m not sure what he’s wiling to do to make this work, or to get me back…but what I do know is right now… I need more than what I’m getting.