Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Does the fact that I can't stop thinking about her mean I have feelings for her?
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johnathan.
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KateK
Lena,
I’m not saying that men don’t have fears. I’m just saying they need to work that out before dating. if man puts himself out there in the dating scene then goes hot and cold because he’s scared, he has no business dating. Not only is it unattractive, it’s hurtful to women.L
I think KateK makes a valid point in regards to the “lack of decisiveness”. Not to say that a man can’t redeem himself once he knows 100% for sure that this is what he wants. However a man who is so afraid to take a risk because of the following as Mark stated below: can come off as just an excuse to many of us. Why all the negative thoughts what do you feel your lacking that you cannot give this woman? There’s a lot of insecuroty in the statement below which you need to address within yourself first.
“worrying about everything. Letting her down. Loving her and then losing her. Making the wrong decision. To be honest from the minute I knew her I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t be able to keep her and that she’d meet someone better so I didn’t let myself just get close to her.”
I have come across this type of man he puts too much pressure on himself and doesn’t think he can offer what the woman wants and in turn hurts her by leaving and pretty much leaving her confused.
I don’t think all hope is lost..I do think you need to make sure you are capable of handling the relationship or else leave her alone.
Lena
KateK, yes, and I pretty much explained to Mark how such actions are hurtful to women – you’re right on that for sure :)
dee
Yes u like her. But whats the difference then and now? U already know u like her..so whats next? Are u going to sort your feelings, be more confident, courageous and take responsibility of having a rship with her and her child? I mean, u have already spoken with her for a long time now so u should be able to answer this. If u can’t , i suggest just staying friends with her like now and not hurt her by being so indecisive
Maria
Mark, you are clearly in love, stop analyzing why and how, every person starts falling in love and develops it differently, there is NO one recipe, listen to your feelings, you’ve been with other women after her, it has been more than 5 months after you broke up – you still can’t stop thinking about her, you still want her..what else do you need to know?
It is rare to feel this way, it is rare to find a person who makes you feel this way. Stop being a sissy, go for it. Contact her, tell her how you feel, and ask her to get back with you.
Ashley
Tell her exactly how you feel like you did on here. That sort of authentic honesty is impressive to a woman.
Andy
Go masturbate, and if you still feel the same way, then there’s a good chance it’s love.
Mark
I think we started out as casual, and I wasn’t in a place for a relationship and she knew that before we started. So I never misled her. I just also never expected to like her anything like as much as I did. I should have just gone with it, day by day, but it make me scared.
I decided I didn’t have the space in my life to be a boyfriend. Work, studying for my masters, just renovating my house too but all of that is cover for the honest truth that I have boundaries and guard up really high because I just can’tt handle going through pain right now. I mean, I know people get scared but with me it’s bad.
So “can I give her the relationship she wants”. I want to. I want to be with her, but 50% of me just thinks I can’t.
I know she would give it a go if I asked her, she’s patient and kind and she , understand why I am scared and what made me that way and she’s being my friend. I just thought it would be simpler to move on and forget her than it has been.
Yeah, I probably am in love with her. I can’t keep away from her, so maybe I have to have think about how I can get past this fear
Tara
Well, I would say you are still thinking about her because you feel you f*cked up by not giving it a proper shot. I would say, if she is a reasonable person, that she was not looking for an immediate serious relationship, but rather someone that was giving it a serious try. She was not interested in casual sex, and her upfront-ness about that put you off. She knew what she was looking for and would settle for nothing less, while you were unsure of what you were looking for. And that has left you feeling like she one-upped you.
Move on…..I would imagine at this point that even if you got back with her, she would never be able to live up to the image of her you have probably created by now.
Lena
“Faint heart never won fair maiden,” Mark.
Love is always a risk. Today, two years from now, ten years now. Either you will gamble on her or someone else, it does not matter WHO, it’s still the same risk.
Jessica
Mark,
Carpe diem.Regret is a terrible thing. Don’t be like my ex (in college) who lost me and was too late to realize his courage – I had already moved on – I married someone else. But we both knew that we should have married each other. Love can conquer – but not all – courage is the final ingredient.
Ultimately, only you know if you love her or on the verge of loving her – but in my experience, the surest way for a man to know it’s love is when they miss a woman and cannot get her out of their head. It’s rare that we really connect with people on such a level. Love is a precious thing that should not be wasted.
How would you feel if you found out that she just got engaged? And if so, what if you knew that she might change her mind if she knew your feelings? Would you tell her before she got married?If so, that is your answer. If you would step up then, why not now?
The other posters are right that she probably thinks that you don’t care as much as she does – because that is what your actions told her. Don’t let her believe that. Show her that you have courage and build the foundations of love now. Don’t leave her in the dark.
We are all scared of love, heartbreak, not being enough, and failure. If you are scared – don’t be. A woman will be very patient and willing to go through all manner of hard times with a man who loves her and who will not let her go – she will ride any storm with him. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves. We love that you want to protect and provide for us – but as long as you are following your goals, we don’t need you to be completely ‘set’ in life before you commit. All that matters is that you love us and want us by your side.
Mark
Ok everybody. Those responses helped me a lot, and I am going to see her this weekend.
I honestly need more tim with her to know how I really feel because it was only a couple of months and for most of tht time I was in the mindset of trying not to like her, but you’re right, it is really rare to feel this way about someone.
I am not sure anyone here understands this sort of issue with closeness or being really intimate. It’s kind of like in a way it’s a relief if she goes -but then I miss her. I know that’s unhealthy and it’s not intentional but the fear and anxiety is very real.
She’s been so smart and patient, I think she knows who I am inside and always has.
Teresa Marie
Hi, Mark, and all of the responders,
I’m so impressed with the great advice that’s been given on this thread by the ladies. Kudos!
Mark, you have a common problem as relates to commitment (“commitment-phobic”) and there’s quite a lot of information out there on what it is and how to conquer it. Yes, it can be conquered. I also recommend the book, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” Acknowledge your fears and then remind yourself of how strong your feelings are for this amazing woman means and what it means to have her in your life.
So, grab hold of your cohones and go for it. As a previous poster said, regret is a terrible thing. Dive into this mysterious pool called love and trust yourself that you will learn to swim, survive and even enjoy it.
With much hope for your future together,
TeresaTara
Mark,
I applaud you for going for it! Please keep us updated; I’m curious to see how this plays out.
Teresa Marie: So, grab hold of your cohones and go for it. As a previous poster said, regret is a terrible thing. Dive into this mysterious pool called love and trust yourself that you will learn to swim, survive and even enjoy it.
LOVE that!
Hannah
Mark I understand fear. After something rather traumatic happened to me, I’ve been left with a phobia of all medical procedures, even a simple blood test!
I have 2 options. Never go to the doctor again or confront my fear. If I want to live a healthy and long life, I have to.confront my fear. It’s not easy, but with each subsequent positive experience it gets easier and I feel more confident.
You have to confront your fear if you ever want to be in a relationship. Simple as that. Although by no means easy to do! Don’t let fear rule your life.
kathryn
CALL HER!!! If you havent stopped thinking about her, you obviously were very attracted to her. You , were probably just AFRAID of your feelings and of commitment until you had time to assimilate everything.
KateK
Mark,
Please do not see her this weekend. You have issues. You are not ready to date a woman that wants a commitment. What have you done to address your anxiety and fear since the last time you dated her? You are going to repeat this cycle of hot and cold. IT IS UNFAIR TO HERYou need to work on you.. find out why you can’t commit and address it. It is unfair and selfish to put yourself out there for women who want a full committed relationship when you are not healthy enough to give that. A few “yay, go for its” by ladies on this forum are not going to fix you. See a therapist and leave this poor woman alone.
Rose
You want her now because you can’t have her…
If you really care for her then go ahead and have a relationship, if you still feel like you can’t give her that then let her find someone that will.
Options2
Mark,
Meet her. Be honest to how you feel.
Share with her honestly of what you think you can try and do.
It is up to her to decide if she wants to try again.
People get hurt whether they are mentally healthy or not. Let her decide. Then you learn and take it from there.
No Filter
Leave her alone before you hurt her. She has the potential to fall in love with you and you’re not ready for that. You need to live alittle before you make a commitment with anyone. By you running from committing, it just shows that you still want your freedom. If you really like this girl, keep her around and be her FRIEND ONLY WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED! As of right now, it sounds ore like a lust thing than an actual love thing because all you told us was how good she feels and not really about the type of person she is. You lust her not love her.
seriouslee
Messing with a girls heart in this way is completely dangerous!!! you will ruin her and put her in extreme depression just forget about it and go find a girl that is looking for the same things as you. abort mission
Jen jen
You weren’t looking for a relationship, and yet you had sex with her?
Huh?
How mixed up are you?
Get to know a woman, as friends, treat each other with respect, hold off the sex, until you both agree the relationship is something you both desire.
Otherwise, you are playing games with women’s hearts and you are not behaving as a grown respectful man ought to behave.
If you believe you may, indeed love this lady, grow some balls, call her, apologise and see if she will talk to you, but, never ever go down the sex path with her, again, until you both have discussed weather or not it’s a committed relationship you want .
Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you, after the way you behaved tho.
There’s something men and women could do well to understand.
Women, knowingly, or not, invest their hearts, in a man, when they are intimate with them.Then, we get the shits, when men get scared and run away.
Friendship first, takes the heartache and uncertainty away.Its not rocket science, really.Lekisha
Go Mark!
Fingers crossed!!!!! Man up :) :)
Andy
Good luck Mark. I hope it works out for the two of you. If either of you start having problems in the future, make sure you guys consult the ladies here before making any hasty decisions that could jeopardize your relationship with each other.
redcurleysue
I am so sorry to say this but if you still have this much doubt after knowing her I am not convinced you will not again get cold feet.
As I said before and will restate again. You and she need to have the mindset that you are going into this 100%…no backwards glances.
Doubt is normal. Running is not. We do not run from what we truly think is good for us. I still do not hear confidence from you that she is what you know you want.
I hear the posters encouraging you but I hear you loud and clear that half of you is still unsure.
Look, no one can guarantee they will make some one else happy…they can only guarantee they will give it their best shot. Loving someone takes faith…faith that you will give it your all…faith that they will give it their all…faith that when times get rough they and you will be there…
If you feel on any level that you may run again do not do this to her or yourself (or her child who knows when Mom is happy or sad). You would not be ready to confidently say to yourself, “I am all in”. That means when you want to run you don’t….you stand firm on your previous decision…yes, commitment is a conscious decision.
Courage is not the lack of fear….courage is having fear and forging ahead anyway. Do you think you would have accomplished your Masters degree if at the first set of obstacles you cut and run….no…you accomplished the end through sticking through the bad times and the doubts that came up with the challenges of getting a degree. You made a commitment that no matter what you were seeing it through.
I know you want to be “all in” but are you? Only you can answer that.
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