Does the fact that I can't stop thinking about her mean I have feelings for her?

stass – “bad person or a selfish one”

stass – “bad person or a selfish one”

You’re hoping Mark’s experience will give you some insight of what’s going on in your own situation, and maybe some closure.

stass – “bad person or a selfish one”
Your feelings for the person are blinding you to the fact that this really is a bad person with selfish intentions.

Mark,

Loving someone when you’re not ready for a commitment is the same as not loving them, for all practical purposes.

It IS as simple as that.

Let her go. She has a kid who needs her.

The forum is having men issues. It won’t let us post.

The flip side to this is that the women are letting it happen.

Selfish – (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

“So we have 2 wonderful ladies that are getting mentally and emotionally screwed over because a guy like Mark won’t leave them the hell alone”

Yes, Andy it was a roller coaster. But I never felt anything like I did with my ex. Our connection and chemistry was amazing. Its hard to just give that up. its especially hard when the guy comes back in and out of your life. Even harder when you can see that he really wants to be with you but something (whatever it is) is holding him back.

I think I just didn’t want to accept that he had commitment issues. I thought ‘that would never happen to me’.

Mark- please do not talk to this woman any further.

I’ve been in her shoes. I’ve been in Stass’ shoes. I cut off contact with my guy in August and I STILL hurt and cry. I had two dreams about him just last night.

I know he never meant to hurt me. I -know- this. However, he was so selfish. He could not see beyond his own needs. He contacted me when I cut him off in June and THEN when I didn’t reply, contacted me again to tell me that HE felt disposable. And then when I called him to tell him he wasn’t disposable, but that I needed to not be in contact with me he said, “This last week has been the loneliest week ever. Because I haven’t talked to you.” YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. He is the one who would never let me go, hated when I dated, but would not make me his girlfriend. He’s the one who told me I had everything he wanted except for one thing. He’s the one who told me that he’d thought about marrying me, but in the end just couldn’t. I did not ask for any of this. I simply gave him my love, and after being rejected set my love aside to be friends only to have him treat me like a gf, GIVE ME HOPE for many months and have sex with me twice and then, again, reject me.

He didn’t know what he wants.
You don’t know what you want.

Leave her the eff alone, please. This is not loving her. It’s taking her love and taking it for granted. It’s a love you have not earned, so work on yourself until you can earn it.

“I’d love to be married, have kids, have “forever””
You’re in love with the idea only, not the act.

“said “yes” and I was all set for the whole “forever thing” and she left me”
I can see why this would make it rough.

“I was getting so attached that losing her might be unbearable.”
So you hurt her before she could hurt you.

So you want to compare your situation to someone with anorexia.
The exact causes of anorexia nervosa are unknown. However, the condition sometimes runs in families; young women with a parent or sibling with an eating disorder are likelier to develop one themselves. Then there are psychological, environmental, and social factors that may contribute to the development of anorexia.
Ok, so work on yourself first, then give it another go. Because based on what you’re saying, you’re not going to make any headway.

Mark,
Wow, this thread took a turn for the worse. I think some of the comments were very harsh and I do not think you deserved them. I don’t think you are bad or wrong and I don’t even think it’s your fault. I think you are trying to do the right thing and seek advice here.

Now that you have given us more information, I think we all agree that you would benefit greatly from therapy to overcome your trust and abandonment issues. Therapy can help immensely. Just by way of example – my father went to therapy for years to overcome his abandonment issues resulting from his father dying when he was a teen – which he realized had caused not just abandonment issues, but anger, rebellion, regret and a drinking problem – all of which led to my parents’ split. And he was a teen when his father died suddenly – you were a small child when you lost your mother – I cannot imagine what a profound effect that has had on you. These fears you have are irrational, but I am sure they feel very real. Just remember – this woman had nothing to do with what happened to you when you were a child. You are still a young man with a lot of life ahead of yourself – you can resolve these issues – you can turn this around and have a happy marriage to look forward to. You would truly be missing out on an amazing part of life if you do not fix this.

I disagree with some of the posters who say to leave her alone. I think it would be okay to contact her – but not to get into a relationship with her in any way at this point. I do think you owe her an explanation, especially now that you have some strong indications that you do care for her but that you have major commitment issues and if you could be in a relationship with anyone, you would pursue her. Complete honesty is required here – just give her the gift of knowing how great she really is and that you are working on yourself.

I went through a hot and cold phase with my BF – so I understand why some of the posters are having a very emotional reaction to your dilemma. It is hurtful to have someone say how great you are, but to feel like they aren’t sure about the relationship (our issues were complicated, and I won’t go into them – but the behavior was similar to yours, hot and cold – he DID come back and was ready for a relationship). Being unsure about the person is very different from being afraid of ANY relationship. The latter is where you say ‘IF I could be in a relationship with anyone, it would be with YOU’ – this is less hurtful (when genuine). If you are genuinely having these issues, she will understand and appreciate your honesty and not being kept in the dark. I think the most hurtful thing is when someone disappears with no explanation. Again, DO NOT lead her on and make any promises or engage in a relationship until you are ready – and do not ask her to wait for you.

Maybe if she’s still available when you are sure about your feelings and ability to commit to someone….you never know….I’d get to work if I were you.

I think she’s going to get tired of the game and end up falling out of love with you. She will meet someone and move on for good.

Leave her alone, don’t leave her alone, maybe she has to learn a lesson too and that’s getting men who won’t commit out of her life.

I’ve been in her situation, my guy kept coming back after I begged him to leave me alone because he lead me on saying he wanted a relationship, then he said he couldn’t commit… That roller coaster went on for more than a year… Well, in the end I got tired and finally decided to never take him seriously again, even if he came back and begged me I would never trust him again or see him as potential relationship material, he killed all I felt for him.

Now I’m happily dating others and learned my lesson and that’s letting go of people who can’t give me what I need. I don’t agree with people telling you that you are wrong, you might be but she is too because she should’ve moved on a long time ago, it’s not 100% your fault.