Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › Doing my best to give it time…
- This topic has 50 replies and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
Tracy Nunez.
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M
Wow. That’s harsh.
Exactly what I needed to hear.I’m a bit shocked.
And I’m not.Drama….
I’m too busy for that.
Pig sty…
….,,
…..,
:-(
I’m going to take time to absorb what you’ve said.
…. Feel a bit silly. like my eyes are opening…I feel a bit different already.
…..
“everything to do with your own inner relationship and negativity.”
“Our unrealistic, inappropriate perspective generates our negativity towards life.”
Ok, yes I see…. I need to deal with this inside me.
Yes ok.
Stop. Cut.
Go within.
…. To the source of love…..
Eric, 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
(Not often I’m speechless…. )
M
Padmini… ❤️
M
…Taking deep breaths….
Feel like the Earths just moved underneath me…. (and not in a good way) … (but the way it needs to)….
Phew.
Everything feels different suddenly.
…..
Wow. I need time out….
Eric you’re a hero 🙏 thank you.
Something big has just happened…. I need to go away and just….
…. Phew. Deep breaths.
Thank you 🙏
Eric CharlesKeymasterM – don’t worry. You’re OK and you’ll be OK.
This forum is about love. We have love for you here. And we speak from love for you.
If you have an arrow in your heart, we’ll do our best to pull it out.
And we’re here to help you heal, regain your clarity and bounce back stronger.
When we’re caught up in a nightmare, we feel like we need to win. We need to fix things. We need to make it right. We need to get even.
The truth is… you just need to wake up. You just need to let go.
The nightmare isn’t you, it isn’t love and it isn’t life. It’s just a nightmare.
And once you wake up out of it… you realize you’re OK and everything is OK.
Nothing to solve, nothing to fix, nothing to repair.
You’re just clear and simple. You’re OK.
You said you feel silly. You might feel silly, but that’s not the reality.
It’s courageous to share the truth of your situation, raw and uncensored.
It’s courageous to listen to the feedback and consider it.
We support you, we are proud of you and anyone that wants to get out of suffering and into a life that works.
Feel good about this. This can be the beginning of a new chapter for you, where new things are possible.
M
🙏💛
Crying now…
It’s good though.
Everything felt upside down. And although I’m okay, I didn’t know what love is anymore.
But you’ve just answered my question. Without me even asking. Thank you. This is love. Genuinely caring about someone and doing what you can to help them. Thank you Eric, you’re like a big brother to us (or a little one in my case).
Thank you.
I’m okay. I just need to wake up….
Thank you.
I’m going to meditate before I go to bed. Thank you 🙏 💛💛💛🙏🙏🙏😘
M
Eric, I’m in deep appreciation of your help yesterday. I have no words to express the depth or breadth of my gratitude 🙏 You serve Love it itself and I am in awe and have deep respect for you and Sabrina both.
I’ve been processing a lot, oddly by not actually doing anything for a change. Just letting myself be for a change and not trying to fix anything. And remembering your words again and again as they are proving to be very meaningful for me.
Your posts are so powerful and I’m beginning to see there are some profound layers to what you’ve presented. I now see that I have to close my eyes and go within to really see what’s going on here. I understand the word “insight” in a deeper yet more practical way now.
Can I ask a question please?
You said:
“My point here is that when a “”””””relationship”””””” looks like this, it actually has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with your own inner relationship and negativity.
Our unrealistic, inappropriate perspective generates our negativity towards life.”
So this negativity that is within me – I agree that it is what fuels the outside drama – I want to get to the “root” of it all as you say, and I want to heal it once and for all. Pull out this mistaken belief or let it be transformed to a higher wisdom.
But I don’t know where to start? I don’t even know what I’m looking at. It’s a mess and all confused in here. If I knew what the limiting beliefs or the negative emotions or memories that were at the root of the issue, there are things I could do to address these. But I don’t even know where to start.
A whole bunch of things come to mind, but I think there’s something deeper, something more profound I need to address. From your post, you’ve come across this before likely? What is this negativity that women like me harbour within themselves that leads to these foolish and disgusting drama dynamics?
And the perspective shift. Where does a woman who wants to live a life of love and honour and integrity, pivot from and to?
I may never be in a relationship again (I was only half joking about the nun bit) but this has come up for healing now and it would be remiss and cowardly of me not to deal with it now it has been presented to me.
M
And also, the relationship she has with herself, what does it look like? What does it feel like and sound like for her?
Incidently, does she experience her relationship with herself in the same way men experience their inner relationships with themselves? Or is it different?
Is there a core to all this? Are we refining down to a singular belief or perspective or way of being in life?
Or am I being too simplistic because the complexities of life demand a multi-faceted approach?
(Maybe I’m going too deep here… please forgive me if I am. 🙏)
Eric CharlesKeymasterSure.
I can speak to some general ideas.
There might be finer points of this that you’ll become clear on through your own journey.
In my line of work, I see patterns because I answer these questions over and over again.
In fact, one of the ways I know it’s time to write a new article or a new book is when I’m tired of repeating myself! :)
I’m going to share the main pattern I see.
This is THE pattern that winds up bringing the women to their relationship problems and then, in turn, to me and A New Mode…
The problem fueling all the relationship problems is “fear of losing him”…
But the root is actually deeper than that. That isn’t the true root of all the problems…
The true root is her excitement about a “love story” coming true with the man.
Let me walk you through this…
Girl meets the guy, she has some interactions…
Eventually, she gets excited about him… she gets excited about the possibility of a “love story” coming true with this man.
And it’s so exciting. It adds color to all her interactions and she gets high on it.
“My love story is coming true! Oh my God! This is it!”
And she’s loving it, she’s getting high on it.
Until… something happens.
Maybe he doesn’t text back immediately… or his texts seem off… or he says something that triggers a tiny seed of doubt.
That’s when her excitement about the relationship transforms into FEAR.
Fear of losing him… but more accurately… fear of losing her “love story”.
Now, for the rest of the “relationship”, she’s no longer relating to him but rather, to her own fear of losing him (the love story)…
And he feels the disconnection.
He feels that it’s not even really about him.
It’s about her fear and her relationship with her fear.
He becomes almost a prop or character in the actual relationship she’s having… which is her relationship with her own fear of “losing” her love story.
And you might say, “Eric, OK, you’re saying that the relationship ends when she gets caught up in her fear of losing her love story?”
Almost, but no.
Her relationship ended the moment that she started getting excited about a love story playing out with this man.
Why?
Because she was no longer interacting with him anymore.
She was interacting with her love story… he was just a prop in it and at that time, he was fitting the role she wanted him to in the love story.
So…
The true root you need to pull out.
Is the part of you that dreams up a “love story” with a man.
The moment you do that, you’ve ended the relationship.
You’re no longer talking to a man… you’re talking to a dream in your own mind.
…
Reflect on that deeply.
Pull out that root and you pull out all the problems with it. All the fear, all the drama, all the nonsense.
You give yourself the chance to actually have a relationship, in its simplicity, not poisoned and polluted by a story that disconnects you from reality.
M
God, that’s potent. “You’re no longer talking to a man… you’re talking to a dream in your own mind.”
I need to reflect on this…..
….being “disconnected from reality” is definitely not a smart way to live!
You take no prisoners Eric!
But it’s good I need to hear the truth. Hard as it is to see yourself, better this than the pig sty!
Thank you! 🙏😌😊
(Wow. What a tough weekend. I feel like I’ve been through a major battle, and every time you post another hard realisation hits me squarely in the face, Are you sure not a zen martial arts master or something Eric???! )
IWillBeStrong
I feel so accomplished!
I texted the ex that I was stopping by to pick up my key, and he said ok. I get there, and I look at him, and was not attracted to him. He commented positively on my appearance, I just said “thank you.” And I made a point to dress casual but to accentuate the positives. I want him to regret losing me. And I’m 99% sure it worked.
Just one to share a success story! The success? On the way to getting my power back!
Eric CharlesKeymasterTo say it very frankly…
Our culture is sick.
The messages that get funneled to women through popular culture are poison.
And women don’t want to hear it on the way up.
They want to watch the rom-com TV shows and movies and get excited about a love story happening for them in their life… not realizing the poison that was just fed to them.
Sure, we all know TV and movies aren’t real life…
But we don’t think about the root of how deeply off-track our culture is.
We don’t think about how wrongheaded the cultural “wisdom” on love and relationships is.
For example, we have 2 or 3 decades of entertainment talking about casual sex.
So it’s unfathomable that “casual sex” could be a total lie, luring women into disastrous results in their life.
You know who DOES know about how wrong our culture is about love and relationships?
Women who have been burned by our cultural understanding (or misunderstanding) of what creates love and relationships…
Now our culture is so far gone that we’ve moved to the realm of relationship wisdom being to assign amateur psychological diagnoses to men post-breakup.
“Oh your relationship didn’t work? He sounds like he was a narcissist.”
That sort of thing.
And all the misunderstandings are reinforced by marketers and Youtubers that need to keep pumping out crap to keep the dollars flowing in.
So the people who were helpful eventually drift into reinforcing same poisonous messaging if they’re not careful and rooted in their principles.
Recently, I started down the path of reading up on narcissism.
There is definitely something relevant and important to discuss around the topic of what people label as “narcissism” in popular context.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that it missed the elephant in the room, which was that women really didn’t understand what to aim at in order to know they even had a relationship in its most basic essence.
They had no idea how to discern drama from relationship.
So this is all just a tangent to let you into some of my deeper thought process. Some of my views have evolved since the beginning of A New Mode (especially around casual sex and porn), but the understanding that popular media was misleading women was always there at the root.
The bottom line here is that a big part of success here is unlearning a lot of stuff.
A cheat sheet method for that is to say, “Was this idea ever portrayed in media?” If yes, it’s more than likely poison, spit it out.
By media I mean: TV Shows, movies, music, art, memes, big social media accounts, magazines, pop science articles, “news” sites or channels, etc.
People think that success is about learning, but it’s largely about unlearning and letting go.
That’s much easier to do after getting burned. So, if you’ve been burned, be thankful! You get a shot at discovering what actually works in real life.
Forget the love stories. They are poison of the highest order.
Relationships are simple. Love stories are dreams that poison your potential to have a relationship.
Be with the person, not caught up in a dream.
M
Holy Heaven….
Yes…..
Thank you.
I’m going to go buy your book to consolidate this knowledge. I need to teach my daughters. They’re 8 so I have time to get the principles in before it’s too late.
Thank you Eric 🙏🙏🙏
M
Was led straight to this in your book:
“The Importance of Being Present
“When we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Nelson Mandela
Your presence is the portal through which love can travel. If you’re not present, that portal closes. The reason is simple: You can’t connect to someone who isn’t there… and you are where your thoughts are.”
WOW… “Your presence is the portal through which love can travel”…… this is it what you’re saying… Wow….
M
Thank you! I’m going to enjoy reading this. Thank you for all your time 🙏🙏🙏
Eric CharlesKeymasterOf course. I’m glad to have had the opportunity to talk about these kinds of things with you. It was good for me too.
Maddie
Nice work, IWillBeStrong! Moving forward and getting to a point where you are feeling good about yourself and happy is the best “revenge.” It also opens up many new possibilities once you’re ready for them!
M
Hi IWillBeStrong!
It’s awesome that you’re so much stronger emotionally now! It’s such a big step that when you saw him, you felt zero attraction. I’m glad you’re really proud of yourself, you definitely should be!
Now that you’ve got your power back your name is really IAmStrong! 💪The bit in your post where you talked about how you dressed made me smile, I do that too! (Trying to look my best but not wanting to look like I’m trying too hard!)
Onwards and upwards!! 🌟💖✨
Sending you love, 😘💞🥰
IWillBeStrong
Thanks guys!
I’ve been reading a lot on breakups and how to get him back and such, and really the initial advice is the same about the old relationship being dead and the need to move on from the other person and that relationship. That’s not to say that there will not be grieving, and mixing up the stages of grief, and even repeating some of the stages of grief. For example, this morning after a very rough night at work, I started crying on the way to the house. It’s the first time I’ve cried about the breakup. I didn’t even cry the night we broke up! Came close, but that was it.
When I woke up this afternoon, I woke up feeling so much better! Letting the emotions out really helped put things into perspective. Yes, I dearly miss how things were between us. But the reality is, things were falling apart before then. The guy I’ve been “seeing” or whatever we were doing there at the end, the guy I saw when I picked up my key? No. I don’t miss that. Had I met the guy I was seeing at the end of all this, just ED alone would have made me walk away.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and claim that I’m completely over him and all that noise, because I had to fight to get through work last night. I regressed or repeated or skipped-over-and-finally-got-to some stage of grief…whatever happened, I feel better today than yesterday. I miss having somebody in my life, but I don’t miss having THAT. Will I regress again? Probably. And I will land back on my feet again. And that’s what matters.
IWillBeStrong
Thought I’d update this thread for future reference.
This past Friday the fool reached out to me again. The irony, it was 15-16 hours after my profile went live on an online dating site. My friends and I find that strangely coincidental. We’re figuring one of his friends is on it and found me, and showed it to him. Regardless, he reached out with some meaningless questions and why now, after 3+ weeks no contact? It was brief, I was polite, but I asked no questions about what is going on with him because I don’t care to continue anything more than acquaintances with him and a source of information such as “know a good plumber?”
Reaching out to friends I haven’t hung out with in a while, getting to know some other friends better, and making the onlIne profile has done me a world of good. I highly advise anyone going through this to do the same. Even if you don’t find “the one” it sure helps bring you out of the dumps and changes your perspective on the person that brought you here to begin with!
Good luck to everyone!
~IAmStrong
Anon
Men almost always circle back when they need their ego stroked. He reached out to see if you were still interested- it’s good you had the appropriate boundary. Very annoying tho when you are trying to get beyond them. I’m glad you are feeling good and stronger. The attention you get from an online profile is fun and distracting.
IWillBeStrong
He finally confessed to me that he messed up and that I’d done nothing to cause it. He owned it, and I appreciate that. We’re talking, he expressed missing and only wanting me, but I’m not jumping back into anything just yet. It turns out that while in no contact he thought that he was better off giving me my space, hence he wasn’t reaching out as much as he really wanted to. No contact worked for both me and him, it gave me and him a chance to better figure out what we want.
Time will tell all.
mama
Personally if a guy was so willing to let me walk away once, I’m not inclined to give him a chance to do it again.
It’s nice that he admitted to messing up. That can help with closure and moving on and finding someone else.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Mama. In my experience, when a guy wants you and is in a healthy place and ready for a relationship– it’s easy. I’m not saying relationships don’t take effort, because they do, but if you’re with the right person and you’re both in the right headspace (that’s very important), things flow with little to no effort, especially at the beginning (they call it the honeymoon period for a reason). It may be that this guy genuinely misses you and knows he messed up, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to him being emotionally ready and healthy enough for a relationship. To be blunt, he’s been jerking you around for a long time, and I doubt he’s really changed.
As I mentioned earlier in the thread, I was entangled in a similar situation with a guy who wanted me, but didn’t want a relationship– they always come back. Because they miss having your energy and attention. They miss having you available. But it doesn’t mean they actually want to build a relationship with you. If they wanted that, it would happen.
Tallspicy
Girl, under no circumstances play the cool girl here. Stop casually chatting with him.
Ask very pointed questions: Why are you back, what do you want, what work have you done to make sure this never happens again, how will I know it never happens again, I will never again tolerate x, y, z and you get 0 passes, we start from -100 to start off sexually.
I missed you, I made a mistake, I am in therapy, I want a 100% with you, it won’t happy because I am working on myself if this way…. Need to be the answers.
Maddie
Totally agree with Liz and Tallspicy. And not only do you need those answers Tallspicy listed, you need him to be super consistent in delivering on them! Words and actions always matching, always stepping up to really be your boyfriend. If this doesn’t happen, he will end up stringing you along. It may not be on purpose, but it means he didn’t really change and will eventually repeat what he did before because he never addressed the underlying problems.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence he wanted you back as soon as you put up a dating profile. Sounds like he saw it or it got back to him somehow, and he doesn’t want to commit but also doesn’t want to lose you. I’ve been there, done that, did not strictly adhere to needing to see changed behaviors and therapy over a period of time, and wound up right back where I started. Dumped a second time by the same guy after a long situationship and very short official reconciliation before he panicked again.
Do not see hope in inconsistency! See inconsistency for what it is, which is not healthy in a partner you’re looking for a serious relationship with.
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