Dont want a relationship anymore?

Hey ladies

I have found myself stuck in a rut and I don’t know how to feel about it.
First let me give some details to better understand.

I am 22 and graduated from management administration studies 8 months ago but haven’t been successful in landing a job. I want to have a career to STICK to, and bagging groceries at the supermarket for the time being is not what I want to be in no matter how honest and humble the job is. I am not being a smart ass its just not what I’m comfortable with. I have tried temping which worked out only a few months and it helped me with money. But since then I have been knocking on doors to get into contact with people that can help me and it’s going well but the hiring process of today has changed and even with degrees and brilliant interviews, it’s difficult to get hired. So I get by with the help of my parents financially for the moment. And since I have been sitting on my butt most of the time I have let myself go a little bit and have gained 10kg. Deep inside I’m a little depressed but it doesn’t stop me from going out still and seeing my friends but since I have little to no money I can’t take care of myself like I use to . And I can’t take care of my responsibility as a girlfriend anymore to do nice stuff and contribute nicely to my relationship. Which brings me to the next chapter.

You see my boyfriend is 29 and we have been together since March 2015. Most of which was spent in long distance but the majority we spent it physically together. He is leaving again this Sunday. (He is studying and has 2 years left) I do not have an issue with the long distance, my problem is the fact that I don’t have a problem with it that bothers me. I don’t feel sad that he is leaving again when before it would tear me apart. Maybe I got use to it but I think it’s more than that. I am actually looking forward for him to leave so I can breathe and do things my way. During the time that he is here with me I spend ALL my time at his house. Sometimes I want to stay at my house just to be on my own but he tells me to come to his place since he wants to maximize the time together before he leaves. And I understand that and appreciate the fact he wants to spend time but I am so tired with the back and forth. Because I can spend a week at his house but then my parents will ask me to come home because I haven’t moved in with him and they don’t know him too well since he never comes to my place when I invite him, said he is not comfy to meet my family yet (we both live with our parents) so I go home for 2 days and go back to his house which is 45 minutes away by BUS and with my stuff in a bag (I don’t have a car and he sold his since he went abroad to study). My boyfriend is not 100% nice. He has mean streak and he likes things his way. He is very passive aggressive and sometimes I don’t see myself having a future with him but then when things gets better it changes my mind. However the thing about not meeting my parents and me always being the one coming to him kinda bugs me but I’m not thinking about it.

So bottom line is I am not sure of him yet if he is ‘the one’. And with everything going on with ME personally I just feel like I no longer want to be in this relationship or ANY other relationship for that matter. I want to be alone in my universe to work on myself and dedicate my time and attention for some good self love. To get my career straight, hit the gym and just do things for myself. But I don’t know how to address this to my boyfriend. He is talking about building a house when he comes from study and buying a car and wants me to contribute of course but I am 22 years old. I do want all of this for myself in the future but I do not have the money for it anytime soon and Im not 100% sure its my boyfriend I want all this with. I feel so guilty and I know I am going to be scolded on the forum for this. And everyone will simply tell me to break up but the situation is not as easy as I wish it was. I feel stuck. Got my own problems on one hand and on the other having a relationship right now is just applying more pressure. I dont know what to do. I feel like a failure and totally unprepared for relationships right now. And I have been thinking a lot because of this. When I look back on my past since I turned 18 i have been having long relationships, I never got the chance to be on my own for a long while to enjoy things and life. And this has been bugging me a lot as I might be moving too fast in my life, (my dad has told me so; my parents are very open and cool)I know I love my boyfriend, I was crazy for him I couldn’t sleep but everything that has happened, and have got to know him in every corner of himself my love for him is not enough in this situation. Our sex is still great and we look happy when we are together, I was sick recently and he took care of me, and tomorrow I have planned a small farewell party for him with some friends who pinched in financially for his going away. He does good things too, but his personality is not one I can deal with sometimes. And since I’ve been coming to his house I have gotten really close with his siblings and it’s just sad to up leave just like that. Oh my goodness everything is just confusing to me I can’t tell what pages we are on. So much pressure.

What should I do when I’ve realized that I don’t want to be in ANY relationship right now but I already have one?

What makes it hard for me to just ‘talk’ to my bf about this is because he won’t understand, he will think I have someone else or something. And I don’t want all that drama where everyone will be involved, his family and our friends. And also I don’t want to hurt him. He had a bad break up with his ex and she did pretty much the same thing and left. And I feel so bad to do this. Im just taking a day at a time but I am pressured to do things I don’t want to do yet because I have to think of other people’s feelings (trying to not be selfish). And definitely it will hurt to seperate from him. I know it will hurt me and I would think maybe I haven’t thought it through, which is why I am asking for help.

The truth is it is not about him really. It’s about me and the stage I am in in my life. I do not want to break up with him to be free to go flirt around and hit the club every night. I just feel like at this moment, mentally, financially and a little bit physically I am not PREPARED for relationships.

Please ladies, help me. what is the best way to go about this? :((