Don't want casual sex? Then don't have sex without commitment

And then some of us are not ready for commitment and enjoy having sex. Yes with a respectful man that’s not a selfish douchebag but still.

Not all women want to marry and live happily ever after. Some of us enjoy the having options like men do.

The most important thing is to keep your both feet on the ground and know that even if a guy is saying he will comit that doesn’t guarantee that it will last.

You do not have to have sex at all or talk about it to know what it will be like. What about making out all night? Where has the romance gone? You can still do everything else, kiss, etc. without actually having sex. BTW, nothing will drive a man more crazy than this and you can bet that he will be after you if you allow many things but intercourse itself. Chemistry is something that you just know is there or not before sex. I do not even have to kiss the person to know. But you will definitely know once you have kissed. Everything else, well I guess there could be a small amount of risk involved but honestly I disagree. I have never felt incredible chemistry with a person and then had bad sex. Incredible chemistry leads to us really wanting sex with the person, opening up, all these “love” hormones coming lose. Ok, now there will be those that may start talking about size and so on, quite honestly a man with half the size of another can be way better in bed if he knows what to do with what he has. Some may disagree but that has been my experience.

Very nice thread and I do agree that it has been the norm in history to request commitment before sex. In certain cultures it is still the norm. I do not believe in prearranged marriage but I do think that most of us feel used and taken advantage of when we have sex too early before any commitment.

Of course this is just my take on the subject.

What’s right for one person is not right for all… that goes for pretty much everything, and of course for this (not having sex without commitment) too.

For me personally, it’s not right. Probably because I don’t consider sex a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, but I live by the “rule” if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be… which basically means that if sex early turns into an amazing life long relationship – fine, and if it doesn’t – also fine.

I do care, I just don’t believe (and it is not my experience) that you have a higher chance of ending up in a committed relationship because you wait with sex.

” I don’t think women should be looking for ways to make men commit. They should be evaluating whether to commit to this guy at all ” EXACTLY! :) we should not make everything about if the man wants us & instead wonder why should WE want him & when it’s flipped we are way less prone to wanting to be with a guy who is probably not right for us to begin with. women need to go back to choosing instead of the other way around & I think we would come from a much better place mentally :)

“The most important thing is to judge a guy’s character before trusting him with your body or your heart. It’s not safe to date or marry a selfish guy. A guy with a bad moral character cannot be trusted for even a one night stand…” – THIS IS SO TRUE. Mothers should teach this to their daughters since they are 11 years old.

I am among those women who truly enjoy sex only when there is an emotional connection, otherwise it is just a little bit more than a good massage to me. lol. Given all the potential implications of “casual” hookups, I’d rather have this massage some other way. Apart from accidental pregnancies, STDs, there are also hidden viruses that can be contracted through oral sex, fungi, bacteria, etc. These organisms nest in your body and over the years cause a lot of damage. The more exposure you have to various people the higher your chances of developing something as a result of those viruses/fungi/bacteria. Even some cancers can be contracted through sweat and bodily fluids with often-enough exposures.

The risk of emotional damage in casual hookups is extremely high too. You never know when you fall in love, you think you won’t but it can happen without your control. And this is where you can get hurt so badly it can take months and months to fully recover. Some men purposefully trap you emotionally so that they can later use you for sex or emotional validation. I won’t call myself inexperienced, I usually spot fake people and yet it happened to me, where the guy literally tried to turn me into his bootycall after the very first intimate encounter, whereas I went to bed with him because I thought we fell head over heels for each other (I did for sure, he – much less so) and in the end it was an awfully painful experience that dragged for months (I broke up with him but later took him back when he asked, but without negotiating the new terms, and without discussing what kind of a relationship we are going to have). Yes, I saw some red flags early on and overlooked them, but they were not that terrible, there was no way I could have predicted just how nasty things would turn out, and how quickly too. What I could have, and should have done was wait longer before letting him close to my heart and to my body (we were seeing each other for a couple of months before that but not as a couple, as social friends) and get to know the person better. What I also could have done is end things immediately and completely after the booty calling first surfaced or at least negotiate my terms before taking him back. But I was already in love with him. I also naively did not expect him to want to hurt me purposefully, why would a man want to cause harm to a woman who loves him right? but some men do and they enjoy it too. “It’s not safe to date or marry a selfish guy” – this is something you fully understand only after you’ve experienced it the hard way.

We definitely should shift the focus from “making the guy commit” to deciding whether WE want this particular relationship or not, whether this person’s character is worthy of our commitment, short or long term. For this purpose waiting before having sex is very important.

So I fully agree with you, casual sex and all those “hookups” can be very damaging. Most of the threats here would not have existed had the woman taken more time to evaluate the man’s character before opening up to him emotionally and physically.

I too only enjoy sex when there’s a strong connection, Maria.

Having sex early in a relationship doesn’t necessarily equal hooking up with lots of guys all the time. I only have sex when I meet someone I really fancy… and that happens very rarely.

Great thread! I agree with so many of you here.

Ashley you said it very well; one of the problems is that women make an ego question out of it and will sleep with just whoever wants to sleep with them without getting to know whether they would like to be with that person. Of course after sex there is some bonding and also our egos start playing with us. We may not even consider that person to be right for us under normal circumstances but now that we have slept with him, he should not ghost. So many women cry after men who are not worthy or at least not right for them.

I am also germaphobic and hate people touching me, I cringe usually and step back, hate it very much. I am like hands off to all guys I want nothing on a romantic basis with. I also find it really difficult to step over boundaries and become physical. Unfortunately with a person you happen to have amazing chemistry with this will feel natural but just because you have awesome chemistry does not mean this person will be a good match for you. This is why it is at least as important to get to know the person especially when sleeping around with just about anyone is the norm.

I simply do not enjoy sex without feelings involved. I open up fully as I open up emotionally. Hence, it is a good thing if I take longer to open up emotionally, still there is such pressure from out culture and from many guys to get physical that it has become hard for women to say no, which I guess we should relearn. It is considered way too old fashioned to say no for months but maybe we are to set new norms. I guess a lot of guys will not be happy.:)))

You all have good points about not have sex without commitments. But here is my scenario.

You meet someone. You like him, he likes you. While getting to know you, there will be some heating movements of making out, he wants to go for it. You stop him. You may or may not mention you won’t have sex unless you’re in a commitment relationship. So he respects your wish and waits. After 3 months (according to you men usually know and want to make commitment around that time), he makes a commitment with you. You’re so happy (in heaven happy), you decide to have sex with him. Turns out, having sex with you not as great as he thought it should be. So he dumps you. What do you do then? You follow all the rules, still you get dumped.

In my culture, having sex before marriage is not moral for women. Many women wait until they get married to have sex and yet their husbands still cheat on them. Why because they don’t know what to do in bed. They can’t pleasure their men so their men have to go find someone else to make them satisfied.

So IMHO, it’s not really about sex. It should be about what you can do to get over it after being dumped.

I didn’t defend myself. And of course I can sleep with as many or few guys as I wish. She seemed to think that having sex early automatically means having sex with a lot of guys… and I EXPLAINED that that is NOT necessarily the case.

Guys fall in love because of attraction, connection and compatibility, not because of sex. And attraction/connection/compatibility is what makes them wanna commit, not sex (or the hope of getting sex)…

…and “don’t have sex without commitment” is therefore pointless, at least when it comes to whether a guy will fall for and commit to a girl or not.

Really great posts Tutu, Lane and RCS too. Of course holding off on sex does not guarantee you anything but it will increase our chances because for one we can get to know the guy better and two players will generally not want to bother with someone they have To wait around for just fit sex, then there is much easier game to be had out there. Now of course big-time players may find the hunt even more exciting and after a few months of infatuation once they had you the relationship will go down in flames. There is never a guarantee for how a relationship will pan out in the long run anyhow as there will obviously be lows and battles to fight. But holding off on sex will still weed out a large percentage of to be ghosts that we read so much about here. I really do not think experience is an issue in our culture nor do I think that great sex necessarily equates experience. It requires chemistry, education and open mind and ability to feel free first and foremost. Yes, one night stands can turn into marriages it is just that the chances if that happening are very very low. I think OP also meant to address the problems we see here all the time about ghosting and emotionally unavailable men. Really interesting thread and contributions.

You say it’s not about making a guy to commit, yet everything you say shows that it is.

Correct. Don’t say “I want commitment”. Ask what he’s looking for to find out if you’re compatible in that area. And that has nothing to do with power or leading or not letting the guy lead.