Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Doubting the whole "let him initiate" thing.
- This topic has 43 replies and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by
Jessica.
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Rose
I think times are changing, I think we have made men lazy. I believe this method does not work as well anymore these days and men think immediately we’re playing games cause, cause the majority of women do initiate, talk and stalk men so they go for the woman that represents less effort on their part and having so many damned options does not help. WOMEN ARE JUMPING ON MEN’S LAPS.
They do initiate at first but then expect us to chase them like our lives depend on them and when that doesn’t happen they think we’re not interested at all and leave, lol
What do you all think about this?
Jessica
I think, let all those women have the lazy men. Most of them are beta and I want nothing to do with them. It doesn’t matter how many women stalk, chase or initiate with a real man….he does not want anyone to make a decision for him….and if he like you, he WILL chase YOU, no matter how many other leg biters are at his heels.
Leila
I agree with Jessica. I found a good one, or should I say he found me. He did all the work, he pursued me. I’d take that over a lazy man who makes me work any day. I also get to spend my energy showering him with love and affection since I’m not second guessing our relationship.
Khadija
Rose,
When a woman takes on too much intiating we all know it ends badly for her.Men know when a woman is playing silly little games to get his attention or try to gain some type of leverage.
They also know when they are in the presence of a woman who knows her worth and he has to work to get her and keep her.
There is a difference.
kaye
My guy is an Alpha male type. Strong silent type until I finally cracked his code and now he’s the one who’s always saying he loves me and wanting to cuddle and going out of his way to do things for me. He used to just show me he loved me with his actions but now he’s finally verbalizing his feelings too!! I guarantee you if I had chased after him and pursued him it would have been a HUGE turnoff for him!! As a matter of fact it wasn’t until I walked away because he wasn’t giving me what I wanted that he actually realized he was in love because he missed me like crazy!! Let all this other girls pursue the lazy ones!! The kind of guy I want wouldn’t give them the time of day!!
Xyz
Rose
I think you just need a break from dating… Now you are going into nonsense land…IMO..you know betterVpink1986
If the guy can’t be the man and pursue me then he isn’t worh my time. Real men go after what they want they don’t sit around waiting for the woman. Period. But I do understand where your coming from a lot of women have made it hard for us who know better than to chase man. So some guys are lazy but the hell with them…
Rose
Yeah I think I know better that’s why I come here and vent instead of sending any lazy dude a text.
I’m not really looking to date but I’m open to the possibility and I let them come to me but lazy as they have become they text and then stop and see what I do. I do nothing obviously.
Thinking back it’s never worked for me to try to encourage them either.
I don’t want someone that doesn’t want me enough to work for it but I see so many guys complaining we let them do all the work.
Agh! Lol … I don’t want to be a princess either but yeah. I think it’s more how their instincts work rather of how much they complain of us being too demanding or bitchy.
Thank goodness I can come here and have a different point of view because when one’s inside it’s kinda hard to be objective.
Rose
I feel like I have a secret
Rose
Admirer lol
Ana
Im not sure what to think about guys now either.
I matched a guy on Tinder last September, I stopped replying him within a few days, probably cos I met a more interesting guy. haven’t checked back in til a week ago.
Saw this sent me 2 txt during the months when I was off Tinder. I txt back just last week, and he asked for my whatsapp.
He said he finds me attractive and would like to meet, stated he’s single. We haven’t met yet.
Tho he replies fairly quickly, he rarely initiates.
What u gals think?
Andrea
on match if someone winks, supposedly its like a hello. Loads winked. If I saw continous winking, maybe I would wink after a long long time….I say the ones who inititate are generally the ones who find it normal to pursue a woman further.
Its not that I cannot initiate but the only times I did, led to disappointment…so now strict rules, no initiating unless We really have walked some path together..One example of a blooper was a cute guy winking many months back on the site…many many moons later he wrote…but would not text a lot..,said he doesnt like it..was not a text man… I usually never give my number before a first date…somehow I gave it to him,,,even asked him whats gonna be different than his behaviour on the app…like surprise me man!
He didnt even call, just some voice msgs on whatsapp…extremely over the top, as if he was already in love with me…said we must meet…I said sure…..weekends came and went…the last one I never answered was wishing me a lovely sunday honey…I mean WHat the hell, many men are happy with the fantasy of having a woman. So they dont pursue, because they like the single life.
Who figures….but I would never pursue or initiate…Xyz
It depends on the man, but if he is looking for easy and hook ups, he most likely is going to default to the women who don’t take too much work. That’s why those women chasing will get the guy, initially. But it’s most likely just for FWB.
I have said this before. And have heard this right out of a man’s mouth. Men are solitary hunters and for the most part are not looking for relationships. How many men tell you about ‘dreaming of his wedding when he was a little kid?’ Lol
Men love the company of a woman, yet balance that with wanting their freedom. They WILL get into a relationship under the right circumstances.. But men are way more practical than women most times, and will not do it simply because. They will do it if they believe you are a value add to his life and not a stressor or liability. Which is why more times than not, women are the ones clinging to bad relationships.
I believe online dating does mess the order of things because if you meet a man in real life, it’s easier for him to immediately be attracted to you and even consider a relationship right away. Men will lock you down, so to speak, if he believes your special. It’s much more difficult online for this chemical reaction. All you have to go by are words and profiles… And with so many options, one looks better than the first.
I guess that’s why its best to meet in person as soon as possible, because that really is the only way to see if that man is going to be into you. Don’t waste precious time getting to know each other over phone and text, because that’s not how bonding are interest really happens in a man’s world. Besides he could be having the same text conversations with 10 other women at the same time.
Maria
I agree with others. I think very important for the future dynamics of a relationship that a man knows he was after you and that he had to work to get you.
But once this is done, women can start initiating things. With men, the less emotionally involved you are the more they want you. And yet we women WANT to give love, it is in our DNA. So no wonder we are hanging out on this forum whining. LOL.
I personally like men who are not afraid to show their interest and who would go after what they want. This trait is going to show in other areas too. If a guy is lazy then you will always be doing all the work everywhere else. But if a guy has balls, he will look after things that he thinks are important.
I do agree that men look for women who add value to their lives, and this is very smart. We women should do this too. But at the very least, we need to feel wanted, and how is this possible without them doing the chasing and initiating things?
LL
Rose for once I completely disagree with you :-) Jessica hit the nail on the head w first reply post.
It is not your job to “compete” with all those loose women. They all have lost themselves, either temporarily or permanently, and the men who walk towards that are the same: LOST. Chasing something they don’t even know about…chasing the wind. Going nowhere good.
I have an INCREDIBLE man. He kisses the ground I walk on, adores my son, and pushes himself at work every day. He pursued me, begged me for a committed LDR, and had the sense in his head to be turned off by all the loose women along the way. And he’s only 24. It DOES happen, they ARE out there. Did I necessarily think that before he came along? Maybe not. But it fell into my lap and proved me wrong. I think the more we walk around with a chip on our shoulder about other women, other men, other people in general…..we are “walking in the wrong direction”. We are heading towards misery rather than toward love & happiness. Have a little more faith…I’ve been SCREWED and HURT many times so I KNOW what’s in your head. But the only true failure here is if you go down WITH the loose women. Let them go down but don’t follow them. What a shame that would be. That’s what makes you so valuable to a good man anyways….your self, your character, your values and are unwavering no matter what happens in the world. IMO letting a man initiate everything is LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY TO SUCCESS WITH MEN. Been there done that. I truly think any woman making any move is a bad, bad idea. It’s like a law of physics. It’s true every time.
Think about your idea of “success”–what is your goal? You say letting him initiate doesnt work….would it work if you did? If I were you I would be chasing a man with nice taste and the sense to pursue something of nice taste.
MS X
I’ve been on Match off and on through the years; in the past the ones who initiated seemed to be more interested than the ones I sent a wink to. It appeared that the ones I sent a wink to would reply a few weeks later; perhaps after they went through their “chosen” list – just a thought but I believe that to be the truth. Much like in the real world with men who have their favorites and cannot find a date; wait till the last minute and call a women…… The men who initiated by sending an email (NOT a wink) were more interested; even the ones I did not respond to would send a second one asking if I received the first one? It really is about the “effort” they put into getting to know you, going out with you, spending time with you….. men find “their woman valuable” when effort is spent on them. They will date several women to obtain what they believe to be “that valuable women” for them. Just as women will “kiss many frogs” searching for “that prince.” IF we admit it, we too place a “value” on men as well….we all have our “lists and beliefs of what we want.” I think the question we need to ask ourselves is “Do we want a man that we have to chase, by initiating texts and phone calls? Do we want a man that we have make all our plans for evening out?” Myself, I think that while I’m chasing a man…. His back is to me and he is watching everyone else…… ALL THE OTHER WOMEN….. and personally I KNOW I wouldn’t like that because if he were chasing me, he would be facing me and his eyes would only be on me….which is exactly where they should be. Just my humble opinion.
Ashley
a real masculine man who really wants you is going to pursue yes .. but with stupid technology nowadays & the endless options of females, there is some truth to this at times, & not just with lazy/beta guys (I agree we don’t want them!!) and unfortunately other women before us have made things this way
I notice some guys who have everything going for them, attractive, makes a good living, etc. I guess what you could call a player, you would think they would pursue the girl that didn’t lift a finger for them & was cool/aloof but some of them like the attention they constantly receive so much that they actually like when a girl caters to them. This guy I know who is like that, is a bit confusing, because if you disappear he won’t chase after you (unless it’s like months of NC) … if you give him too much attention I think he gets turned off after awhile, but if you give him just enough (including initiating, as long as it comes from a place of warmth/happiness/confidence , nothing needy) he starts to really like you beyond just attraction, he starts to like you more than if you never put in effort. I hope I explained that ok haha
guys who I have been just friends with & text them a TON are the ones that end up falling in love with me. I think because when I text I am very vibrant & full of life & that’s how they see my personality? I’m not kidding guys have become extremely adoring of me from my words, without ever touching me.
I’m in no way advocating initiating but I’m just saying things are a little bit different AT TIMES with CERTAIN guys today due to all this instagram, tinder, etc lol I’m sure that just applies to the guys who may be players anyway or something because I believe the men we do want will chase us & everything but times have changed to an extent .. I don’t have tinder or anything but I’m an avid instagram user & I see how the buffet of women is endlesss & at times if you show your personality as long as it is naturally flowing & comes from a place of confidence/warmth then a guy actually sees who YOU ARE whereas when he has all these options if you play it cool & barely say a word, you don’t stand out at ALL from the 10 other girls he’s talking to. you’re just another pretty face playing hard to get. & when a guy has a lot of options he doesn’t necessarily feel compelled to chase you just because you MAY be a great contender, because so are the other women, so if you show your personality the same way you do in person they have the opportunity to be like wow, this one is something special she is …..(fill in the blank)
Ana
I do agree with Xyz that connection or chemistry is easier in person. He said he wants to meet me quite a few times but has yet proposed a date.
I just can’t trust wishy washy guys, or guys that hasn’t got the balls to pursue.
I will wait till he actually asks me out, until then I’m not going to initiate anything or make it easy for him. If he disappears, then so be it.
Lane
Agree with the ladies, especially that men are solitary hunters (require more space) and unless you stand out from the pack they will not be interested in pursuing you for anything meaningful.
I was proposed to by four men between ages 18 – 23 and its not because I pursued them, but I stood out from the others, challenged them and wasn’t easy to pin down. I was like a wild mustang men wanted to tame and couldn’t be tamed until I finally came to that point in my life where the last guy finally got me to say “I do” after 2.5 years.
Our marriage was really good until about the 8th year because instead of calling him out when he pushed the boundaries, which MEN DO to see what they can get away with, I started to acquiesce because I was TIRED (raising kids, handling the household, working, etc) and it was just EASIER to let him go do his thing, like drinking too much alcohol which is when our marriage started to disintegrate. I held on for another 12 years, barely, until I could no longer take it, dumped his alcoholic ass and never looked back.
I call bullshit on the placating of men though because women who do will create a monster. Now I’m not talking about nagging, pestering or creating drama just so you can get SOME ATTENTION (especially negative) from him—I’m talking about keeping the boundaries intact and telling a man that a certain behavior is unacceptable and if he doesn’t get his stuff together you will walk away and if he doesn’t WALK AWAY.
caetru
I definitely agree that the man should initiate but don’t forget that it is the woman’s job to send cues that she is available and open to him pursuing. This usually happens naturally without us even thinking about it much.
I like a man who initiates and takes the lead but that is just my personality. I’ve also learned that I need to be careful of the men who come on too strong too soon. It’s great until you find out that he’s a controlling and manipulative jerk. My ex husband is that way, he has no trouble getting the women hooked but he can’t keep them because of the drama he creates.
I do know women who went out of there way to pursue a beta male and have been happily married for decades. These women are ones who like to control their men and therefore get along better with the lazy men who are happy to have the woman do all of the work and lead him. The woman is happy because she gets her man to do what she wants how she wants and he’s happy because he just has to do what he is told to without putting in a lot of energy or thought.
Ashley you should start a new thread in the texting section describing how you text men. Not that my bf doesn’t adore me but I’m trying to make texting more fun instead of the usual “how was your day?” yawn…
Ana
I agree the “standing out from the pack” thing is important, I just don’t know how to go about it …
I recall reading a post saying it’s Ok for girls to initiate texts as long as its it coming from a needy place …
Ok, I’m thinking too much now. I don’t know what’s this guys deal
Ashley
caetru, well really I am just a very expressive person & I get excited about the little things in life haha :) and as Lane said, anything you have that stands out from the average female he encounters, play it up. Not in an obvious way of course, everything has to be natural & effortless, and just come from a joyful place of just appreciating anything in life I guess I’d say. I have a childlike quality about me.. I could just notice some small thing that the average person wouldn’t notice or care about & I’ll be like wow! that’s so beautiful! that makes me feel so happy!! haha things like that.. for example today I made my first apple pie of the season (I make the crust from scratch) & 99% of girls my age would NOT be making a pie right now let alone completely from scratch haha so that as an example is something “special” about me so giving you an example of what I would do , I took a great instagram photo of the pie crust, on my board with the rolling pin on the table with my pretty candle & crystal in the background because it looked really pretty with the sun shinning in the window & if I was flirting with a guy I’d be like “I’m making my first pie of the season! :) I wish you were here to spank me with the rolling pin ;)” so not only does that set me apart from any other girl he’d possibly know, but it’s something I’m doing anyway so it’s not forced or anything, & it’s just happy about what I’m doing, yet with a naughty twist haha I hope that helps. Just how I naturally am, that I would tell anyone (besides the rolling pin part) things like that can show your personality but since it’s something you’d say anyway it’s totally authentic so it’s not like you’re trying to “convince” a guy, ya know?
caetru
Ashley, thanks for the example. We both have children so we have a limited amount of time together and rely on text and occasional phone calls in between. I’ve always said that I want us to be positive for each other and not cause stress. He says he loves that I laugh a lot and my “adorably quirky” personality which is easy to show in person because that’s how I am naturally. The hard part for me is showing it through texts. I have to get over the idea that the written word needs to be so formal. I’m sure if someone read all of my posts on this forum they would not describe me as adorably quirky, lol
F
I totally agree, men stopped initiating. Its just what I have experienced from the past men I have met. If you dont initiate, they think youre playing hard to get. If you do initiate, they think youre attached. What are we supposed to do then?
Ashley
Caetru, I see what you mean. Just try to text the same as you speak. Like the way I type is the same as if I was talking verbally.. if you have a smartphone, you know how there are so many different smiley faces? I always use the one that is smiling as if it’s blushing, do you know the one I mean? just things to show you are happy & having fun in every moment. Emoji are great because they show that, whereas if you don’t use them it could look needy like you’re just saying a bunch of stuff haha but emoji can show you’re just having fun & sharing :) Try to incorporate just cute things that you do when you speak, into texts :)
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